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REASONS! ON FIREDUPTHURSDAYS
Not Fighting Is Not The Goal
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“We never fight” sounds like relationship goals, but we’ve learned it can be a warning sign. When a couple claims total peace, we want to know what’s underneath it: real emotional safety and honest communication, or conflict avoidance where one person keeps quiet because the price of speaking up feels too high. Fuel and Host G dig into why “not fighting” is not automatically a flex, and how silence can turn into resentment, distance, and an emotionally flat relationship that’s technically together but already checked out.
We break down three common reasons couples avoid conflict: genuine harmony, avoidance and people pleasing, and the scary version where nobody cares enough to engage. Along the way we talk direct communication styles, the danger of staying with “hope” instead of reality, and why big topics like kids, commitment, and life plans need clear words, not hints. We also get into the mess that happens when you outsource your relationship to friends and family who only hear one side, and why a neutral therapist or coach can be a healthier place to process.
Then we get practical: is going to bed angry really bad, how time-outs can help regulate your nervous system, and what healthy arguing looks like when the goal is understanding instead of winning. We cover boundaries around tone and respect, how to stop attacking the person and focus on the issue, and why real intimacy requires honesty. If you want better relationship communication skills and healthier conflict resolution, this one gives you a roadmap. Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review with your answer: what would change if your next argument was about feeling safe enough to tell the truth again tomorrow?
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Welcome And The Big Claim
SPEAKER_00Welcome to reasons, baby. You know what it is. We're gonna talk, we got a lot to talk about today. Uh today's discussion, y'all. We are talking about we never fight. It's not a flex. We never fight, but it's not a flex.
SPEAKER_01Welcome is your boy Fuel in the house. And of course, you know I'm with my co-host here.
SPEAKER_00Host G is in the house. Appreciate you, appreciate you. All right, all right, all right. So all right, so we got we got we got some uh some talking. We got some disgusting to do. And you guys, y'all on there, y'all see us live, y'all see us live. Go ahead and hit us in the comments, let us know that you know you're there. Give us some thumbs up, all that good stuff or whatever, and comment on the conversation that we're talking about today. You know what I mean? Because uh we need y'all, we need y'all, we like talking to y'all, you know what I mean? So, all right, coach, all right, we about to go ahead and uh we did and and and let them know. I guess we gotta we can let them know early there. It's gonna be two parts to this one.
SPEAKER_03There will be two parts to this one.
SPEAKER_00It will be this part one, okay. So we're gonna get through as much as we can on this part one right now, and then we'll swing it up. This is a big but when it comes to fights, I think it's it it it ends up, yeah, it ends up something big.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, well, yeah, yeah. I mean, there's so much, right?
SPEAKER_00There's as you know, I'm I'm I'm a I'm a lover, not a fighter. So, you know, you know, this this conversation might get a little boring, you know what I mean? Because I don't fight.
SPEAKER_03I can find a way to make him fight, you guys. I don't know what this is gonna look like. So we're gonna get him to put his box and gloves on.
SPEAKER_00I know, right? Yeah, by the time it's over with, it's gonna be. All right, man. If you guys are in here, uh give us a thumbs up, you know, say hi to us and and get in on the conversation, all right? And also follow us on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok. Who else we got?
SPEAKER_03I don't know.
SPEAKER_00Everybody, you know, uh oh, uh, Spotify, Apple, uh iPod.
SPEAKER_03The list is long.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, the list is long. So always keep a look at y'all can listen to us anywhere, you know. Y'all can listen to hear us anywhere, on your uh iPhone, on your tablets, and on your desktop, okay? So let's go ahead and all right, let's get into conversation. I know I I'm I'm I'm blabbing on, but you know.
SPEAKER_03He's stalling his. I am stalling a stalling.
SPEAKER_00I am stalling, I am stalling because I mean when you talk about fights, you know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_03You want everybody in.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and and and I can get, you know, I mean, a little uh heated heated when it's not, you know, going my way.
SPEAKER_03I understand. Yeah, I understand. Maybe we have to start stalling with a joke.
SPEAKER_00Oh no, right? Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. All right, so that's all right. Let's let's start it off. What you got? What you got? What we got?
SPEAKER_03We ready to go? Yes. For sure? Yeah, for real? I'm ready for real. All right, let's do it. Okay, so here's the question I would love for us to kind of just ponder as we go into today's episode. Is those of you who
Peaceful Relationship Or Fearful Silence
SPEAKER_03say you don't fight or have been in relationships where you don't fight, or you know people who don't fight, um, is asking yourself this is the relationship actually peaceful, or has someone just decided that the cost of speaking up is too high? Okay. So just kind of keep that as a thread in the back of your mind. So we all know the couple, right? Or maybe we've been one, or maybe we are one, where we say we never fight, and it's almost like a badge of honor. Like we never fight, you know, there's there's um no screaming, there's no drama, nobody sleeping on the couch. And today I just want to kind of um pose a possibility that maybe not fighting is not healthy for the relationship. Okay, so that's what I want to kind of talk about today.
SPEAKER_00And that's what I get kind of that's what I get kind of. I know it gets not fighting, I know, I know.
SPEAKER_03All right, go ahead and you're a lover, not a fighter. We know all about it, and we know all about it. So what do I mean by this? So I think there's really three reasons. I am like at a tickle in my throat. I don't know what's going on there, but there's really like three reasons I think that I cannot with you, fuel. You have to be in the room, you guys. Okay. If you're not live, you're not really considering what's happening here.
SPEAKER_01You're not you said I said it innocently, yeah, yeah, but it's just you I don't know.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you can't stay there. Okay, go ahead. There we go. All right. So, first reason would be genuine harmony. We'd love it, right? It's just healthy. We don't need to fight, we can't talk about the things that are bugging us. We're having you know, nice civil conversations, kind of getting things out the way that we need to.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_03Um, you know, I think this would be lovely, and it would be a great goal for us to all be able to have disagreements and speak about them in a in a calm it calm and freely and openly and honestly.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_03Right. Um, and you know, I I don't I think this is more rare, unfortunately, than than not, right? Because we have so many beliefs about how the the relationships should go, or beliefs about, you know, um how your relationship is going.
SPEAKER_00And oops, sorry, that was me.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, that was definitely you. That was a hundred percent you. Okay, so so that's that's number one reason why maybe we wouldn't have um fighting, right? Conflict. That might be true. Okay, this is we're having more technical difficulties today, you guys.
Reason One Genuine Harmony
SPEAKER_03Okay, here we go. All right, so second reason um would be confidence avoidance. So this is gonna be people who don't like to fight, so disagreements get buried, right? Right? We one person consistently is is backing down, they don't want to like they they just we're trying to keep the peace because you know they just don't want to have that conflict. Okay, and so how do you know? This is a question for you. See, see what your thoughts are on it, feel is like, how do you know if somebody's genuinely easygoing or if they've just been kind of pretend I don't want to say pretending, but like, you know, try to keep the peace so that there is no conflict, but really they've got things that they want to say and they just don't because they don't want to keep, they don't want to create havoc.
SPEAKER_00It's kind of hard these days because people are good at masking what they who they really are, you know, especially if it's at the beginning or something like that, you know. Um until you've been with them for a while, you can detect certain characteristics or or moods or whatever to kind of like, okay, she's about to get mad or ugly, or you know what I mean, or you know what I'm saying, to the point where you know it takes I think it takes a little time to be able to pick that up, as opposed to at the very beginning, because at the very beginning everything's hunk and dory cool, you know, everybody's kind of like on a fake shit. That's what I call it. Or you know what I'm saying, because they want them to uh to have something, they want it to be with someone, whatever. You know what I mean? So at the beginning, yes, everything into so it I think in order for me to tell if they're uh it's by having certain conversations, you know, you can you can learn someone by having uh uh certain conversation about one thing and then another conversation about something else and see what you know what I mean, it's like where the head is, you know what I mean, to the point where you can be like, okay, so I know if we end up talking about this certain thing, you can body happy over that. By hitting this certain about you know, talking about this certain thing, she's gonna be, you know, it's gonna get bad or it's gonna get heated, you know what I'm saying? It's gonna be a a very difficult conversation, you know what I mean. So that's how I that's how I pick it up. That's how I pick up.
SPEAKER_03Okay, love it. How do you know if you are the person who is pretending to be easygoing or you're just not being completely honest with things because you just want to keep things smooth and not have any conflict or I don't know, I really don't know because I can't um I'm not a type of person that can pretend because I know what I want and I ask for what I want, you know.
SPEAKER_00Uh and I basically open, you know, and I I'm not the perfect person. I'm not trying to, you know, be on here thinking, you know, oh, if you'll do everything right, you know what I mean, anything like that. But when it comes to the main course of what I need or wanting, you're pretty much gonna know up front, you know what I'm saying? So I can't I can't be the one in the relationship pretending. You know what I mean? Because I already let you know what it is. Now you might think it's pretending because it didn't go your way, it didn't go your route or whatever, you know what I'm saying? Because you didn't bring up the conversation early or soon enough to uh uh evaluate or you know, understand, you know, what it is that you wanting as opposed to what I'm wanting. If that makes sense.
SPEAKER_03What makes sense for you?
SPEAKER_00Just asking. I'm gonna ask if it makes sense. If I mean, talk to me. If it if it doesn't make sense, you guys let me know. Let you know, let me know.
SPEAKER_03Your perspective makes sense.
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_03Okay. So I'm gonna, if you happen to be out there and you're the person who's wondering, am I How do I always end up the with the the sample?
SPEAKER_00Ain't we supposed to talk like other people? No, there's nobody else here to ask. Go ahead.
SPEAKER_03Excuse me, a little staff over there on the channel.
SPEAKER_01Go ahead, go ahead.
SPEAKER_03I'm just saying, if somebody is questioning out there whether or not they are a person who is not saying their truth, right,
Reason Two Conflict Avoidance Patterns
SPEAKER_03to keep the peace, um, you might ask yourself, if something's bothering me, do I feel safe to bring it up? Right, which is question number one, right? Or am I calculating the risk? What might the risk be if I bring up this thing that's bothering me? Um, if we find that we're calculating the risk a lot, then and we've come to the decision that if I bring it up, you know, this could be detrimental to the relationship. So the cost is too high. Um, you know, with all the love for you, because I get it, there's some work to be done because you're not being you.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_03You're not saying what you need, you're not being, you're not feeling safe. And it might not be because there's something wrong with the relationship, you know, it could be something much um more patterned in you, but you know, if if you are thinking like, how do I say this? When do I say it? How you know how's this gonna land? Like, can I that um that is something to look at for sure?
SPEAKER_00Can we use say um say for instance uh a New Yorker?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, honestly.
SPEAKER_00As is is is how it's you know, supposed, as you know, New Yorkers honestly is like right up front what they say, what you know what I mean, they don't hold back. You know what I mean? Um say, say, for instance, you dating a New Yorker, and they're that honest and that forward.
SPEAKER_03But am I also a New Yorker?
SPEAKER_00Well, yeah, since you use me, for example, you're like you want me to.
SPEAKER_03I mean, we're both New Yorkers. The person I'm dating is a New Yorker. I'm a New Yorker. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00No, no, no, no, no. I'm not a New York. You're not a New Yorker, New Yorker, but that person you're with.
SPEAKER_03I'm from Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00You're California, so you know that I ain't gonna say nothing about California. Anyway, I ain't trying to get in trouble, canceled. Um, but New Yorkers are, you know, this is just an example of anyone that actually are really hard with conversation when it comes to being forward, being straight up, you know what I mean? It's kind of like you, if they say it, they mean it, they don't they don't care about your feelings, they funct, you know what I mean? Okay. Now, but you're in a hopeful state of one maybe either changing that person or either ignoring that person's characteristic as to who they are and who what they say, you know what I'm saying, is is law, is what they like, you know, that's just that. It's just it. You're not, but you're not accepting it. This is when things get kind of uh bumpy, bumpy with a relationship, you know what I mean. And I'm saying I'm just using New Yorkers, for example, but it is with, you know, anyone, you know, even like myself, you know, I'm gonna be straight up, you know what I mean.
SPEAKER_03When you communicate differently.
SPEAKER_00Exactly.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So um my question, I guess I don't know if it's a yeah, I guess it is a question. If you accept that New Yorker for that particular reason, you know, in that particular for the in that particular reason, you know, then you can't be mad if it doesn't go your way because you're wanting something else and being hopeful that that person changes.
SPEAKER_03Like, I want somebody who's not so forward, who is softer, who is like what do I want that's different?
SPEAKER_00Well, I'm just saying, say for instance, uh the New Yorker says he don't want no kids.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_00Right? And you guys get, you know, real close. And y'all love Edubby and all that, you know. I mean, y'all have even, you know, financially moved in together, you know what I'm saying? And uh uh uh you already know that he he's in a business that he he don't want to kid. All right, but things that changed in the future, you go four years, five years, or whatever, and now your mind and your hormones, and you know, say I want a kid.
SPEAKER_03Don't be talking about my hormones. Okay, go on.
SPEAKER_00I'm talking about I'm using examples. Uh but you know, say that you want a kid, right? Now, you already knew, and in in in the com in the uh the uh the conversation ain't really come up. You might have hinted throughout the years, but he's ignored because he already knows that he I done told you I don't want no kids, I don't know why you ain't talking about it. You know what I mean? Okay, now y'all didn't invested, you were invested now. How do you have a conversation with someone that you already know doesn't it's not on the same page?
SPEAKER_03Well, how do you not have a con? Yeah, I don't uh my question to you is how do you not have a conversation? Like this is a major life.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, I know it's not like can you know how you not have it, but how do you have that conversation though?
SPEAKER_03Okay, so I love the question. First of all, I wouldn't be with a New Yorker because I mean, nothing against you New York people, but yeah, I heard that. That is it, it's not my jam.
SPEAKER_00I just use it for example though. I mean, you just see someone being flipped forward because they're that's their characteristics.
SPEAKER_03And I and I also am being silly, but um, I can just say I've never been with a New Yorker. How about that? Like I, you know, so there might there might be something to that, right? Um, okay. So kind of going back to like, is that gonna be an easy conversation? No, no, it's not gonna be an easy conversation, but what happens if you don't say something? Right. Then you just keep hoping and wishing and praying that something's gonna change.
SPEAKER_00You could do that, or what if that person just ends up getting pregnant and not well that's another that's another thing and hoping that he's gonna be okay.
SPEAKER_03Yes, that's another thing.
SPEAKER_00Because now you um stuck. But anyway, go ahead.
SPEAKER_03But I think you know, it it's with most things that we're talking about, is that you know, if you're if it's safe enough for you to to to be honest about what your needs are and what you want in a relationship, um, this will not be an easy conversation because this is a potentially the end of the relationship, if you guys are so you know, far apart on this. Um but if you're if you've been successful in having a relationship where you can be honest and say what's on your heart and be true and you know it's gonna be obviously an easier conversation if you don't ever talk about what you really want this entire time that you've been together, and now you're gonna try to bring up this big thing that could be bumpy, right? That could be bumpy, but I think you know what's the matter? You got a tickle in your throat?
SPEAKER_01No, don't start me.
SPEAKER_03That's so funny. Um you know, I think it's not it it's you can't not have the conversation, right? Because this is a major life thing.
SPEAKER_00But my my question is though, is how do you have that conversation? How do it, I mean, you you have invested time with someone, you know, how do you have that conversation to be calm when you already know that person don't are not on the same page, yeah. You know?
SPEAKER_03Well, again, if you've been having a successful time of telling what, you know, having honest conversations, then this should be a little bit easier. If you haven't, that's gonna be another conversation. But but you know, uh I'm a big fan of like say what you mean and mean what you say, right? So is it gonna again, is it gonna be easy? No, but you can't you can't go through life wishing and hoping unless you want to, but then you're not showing up as yourself. So how do you have to do that?
SPEAKER_00That's
Directness New Yorker Communication Example
SPEAKER_00probably that's probably the answer I was kind of no, no, looking for because you you have a lot of people that get in relationships and uh they are hopeful as as opposed to actually really having the conversation. And then with those answers you're getting and getting honest answers, you're still like hoping that that person's gonna change their mind or that person gonna see it their your their your way instead of their way. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_03Yeah. So if you stay, I think, and my you know, in my experience, if you stay in a relationship to, and we've talked about this before, and we'll probably talk about it again, is are you are you seeing the relationship for what it is a woman who now wants to have children and with a partner who she knows does not, if you're seeing the actual relationship, then you know, then you're being honest about this is probably not gonna not gonna go where it needs to go. If you're seeing the relationship through the filter of what you hope the relationship will be, you're not living in today, right? You're living in a vision of what you're imagining it will be or could be.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I I I believe that the the trap never ends well. And sometimes you have, you know, women that try to trap you into what they want, trap you into, you know, uh having the kid or or whatever it is, you know what I'm saying, to the point where they feel like, you know, because you're, you know, everything else was good, and everything else was cool, but you already know that this might not be cool. But if I trap them into this or whatever, because this is just what I want, as opposed to understanding that's not what that person wants. You know what I mean? That never ends well. Well, no, because so we we talk about fights, you know, we're talking about fighting and and and and ending well and and trying to control those type of fights or whatever. I think those are hard are hard fights to control, you know what I mean, or understand to the point where you know that's one of the things that can't be calm about. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_03I think you can be calm. I mean, I think it should be. You can be calm and you and still be a New Yorker. I mean, i in the sense that like I'm gonna tell you what's true for me.
SPEAKER_00New York is not even calm, though. But anyway, but you know what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_03Saying I'm saying the part of where they just say what they mean, right? They mean what they say and they say what they mean. Um that that is part of the work, right? So if you are having a relationship on that, you're actually able to have honest conversations along the way, this could still be a calm conversation. Like this is where I am with my life, this is what I want. This is so hard to think about that you want something different, and so on and so forth, right? Um where It starts becoming, I think, uncomm is if I've been holding this back for a really long time and I haven't really expressed what I want, right? Or I'm not telling you exactly what I want. I'm kind of packaging it up of like, oh, wouldn't this be kind of fun to have a little kid around running around? Like that, because that's not really telling you either. That's kind of like trying to go around and tell you in a weird sort of way. Um, but if we're having honest conversations throughout a relationship, is this gonna be a hard one? Yeah, it's gonna be a hard one. Yeah, could change the dynamic of our relationship, it could end our relationship. Right. But if this is my truth, I need to say it, right? And if I don't, at some point I'm gonna get resentful.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_03Or I'm going to do something like you know, forget to take the little blue pill. Um, that's your pill. That's your pill. It's not my pill. My pill's white.
SPEAKER_00But do something devious.
SPEAKER_03But do something in hopes that thou that will change. And that is not the way to build a relationship, right? So uh either way, I think we're kind of talking about the potential end of a relationship. Unless you decide I'm gonna tell my truth, but I'm gonna stick around for a while, even though he said no, because I kind of like what I've got going on. And when I get to the point where I can't do it anymore, then that's when I'll end it. Um, you know, there's so many options there, right? But how do you have the hot conversation? Honestly, right? There's no other way.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_03Is it easy? No. If if you are worried about people leaving you and you've been living in this relationship, um, people pleasing
Hard Truth Talks Kids And Compatibility
SPEAKER_03the whole time, this is gonna be a very difficult conversation to have.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Um, there's that.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. All right. Let me tell you the third reason I think that this happens. Okay. Um is, and this is my the most scary in my opinion, is when's when the relationships get kind the relationship gets kind of emotionally flat, where everybody kind of just gave up. They're not invested in trying, kind of just going through the motions. Nobody cares enough to bring up what's on their mind or what's bothering them or the problems, and we are just kind of it's kind of dead, right? Right? So we're still in a relationship, but it's kind of dead. So that would be, you know, another reason that fighting um doesn't happen. Like one or both people have just decided it's kind of done.
SPEAKER_00So so when we talk about um like uh never having fights or whatever, you know, is it is it because okay, for example, my aunt, I have an aunt. And I think I might have mentioned it long a while back that they never fight. I never at least I never seen them fight. In public, they don't, you don't, you know, wouldn't even think they that type, right? I accidentally happened to be, I'm not accidentally, I just happened to be in the basement one time in the studio and heard them upstairs kind of arguing, fighting, you know, not fighting like physical, just you know, the argument was kind of loud and unusual for them to the point where I felt something because I never heard it before. So it kind of scared me because it's kind of like, you know, but when I went upstairs, everything was fine. You know, it's kind of like they done had their conversation, it's over, and move on. They're talking to each other, you know, she's bringing them food, and you know, it's kind of like, you know, like nothing really happened or whatever, you know. But they kept their their fight to them. You know, and I think that's some, that's I think that's one of the things that that will help a lot of people is sometimes is when you when you when you go tell your auntie, your cousins, your whoever, your best friend or whatever about what you guys argued about, that's when it escalates to be messy. You know what I mean? Because now you're seeing your side and not really gonna always give the other person's side, the honesty of the other person's side. You know what I mean? Because sometimes when you give both sides, and if you have a real good friend or someone that's listening, they can tell you when you're wrong or you or they're wrong or whatever the case may be, you know, in a mutual as a mutual respect to each other, you know what I mean. So when we talk about fights, when we talk about uh we never fight, you know, and it's not uh uh like the silence is actually what the silence is actually telling us, whatever, is I think from my you know experience, is not giving everybody else your information about a fight in order for that fight to be neutral with you and your significant.
SPEAKER_03So I a thousand percent agree with you, which is like never gonna happen. So just so you know, people like make note of this date and time. Do you want to put this on your calendar right now that like I'm agreeing with you? Um really, you know, when you're in a relationship with somebody and you're then going and talking about your relationship with somebody on the outside, there's two two things that I want to kind of point out. One that's very disrespectful to the person who you're in a relationship with, right? Like this is between me and you, it's not between me and you and Susie. Right?
Reason Three Emotional Flatline
SPEAKER_03Um, it's so it's really unfair, right? It's really unfair, and it's really nobody's business, too. There's that. But the other piece is when I'm going and I'm telling Susie about what an a-hole you were and what you did terrible and wrong, Susie loves me so much, right, that she's gonna tell me all the things that she thinks I need to hear to make you even worse and what what I need and whatever. So, do I think that you should never talk to another individual? No, but I think that individual needs to be somebody like a therapist or a coach like myself, somebody who is neutral. I don't have an opinion about whether or not you should stay with your significant other.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_03Um, and I don't know, you know, my the way that I've been trained is that I'm not here to tell you what you should do.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_03Right. I don't know what you should do. My my goal is to get you to think about what's right for you, where your friends and your family and the people that you love and you know that love you are gonna side with you because they love you and they're gonna give you opinions and thoughts and things that they think you should do from their experience. Right. And it's just not okay.
SPEAKER_00So, say for instance with myself, if I I grew up from what I just it's from the example I just gave you, I grew up feeling that way. You know what I'm saying? I I grew up feeling having our uh our conversation or whatever, and then afterwards I'm done. Um, you know, or we should be done, you know. But if I get with someone and it's not panning out like that, then I'ma feel like that it's not right. And I could be wrong because there could be something that I could be missing in that, you know, diaphragm or whatever to uh to better myself as opposed to me just thinking, oh, well, I was raised this way and I, you know, this is how I seen it and whatever. But you know what I'm saying? You don't know, I don't know if my aunt and going to therapy.
unknownRight.
SPEAKER_00You know, I don't know if they practice something to to to do this or whatever the case may be or whatever. So I have to be, you know, opening up enough to say, hey, maybe I'm probably wrong and I need to figure something out, you know, as as to you know, myself to de-escalate whatever our argument may be.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. Well, and the question I would have for you is why would you be taking it to somebody else? Right. Like, why are you not having the conversation with me if you have a problem with me?
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_03So if you're going to somebody else, right, you're hoping to get something out of that, of out of that validation of you being being right. I'm being right, right? That's or I can't have a conversation
Stop Outsourcing Your Relationship Problems
SPEAKER_03with you. I don't feel safe to have a conversation with you, which that's the problem, right? If I feel like I need to go to somebody else to say, like, here's what's happening, because I can't say it to you, that's the work. Yeah, like I need to we need to figure out how we can be it can be safe for me to tell you what's really happening for me, right? And what's bothering me.
SPEAKER_00Right, right, right.
SPEAKER_03And then I shouldn't need to go somewhere else, right? Because we've we're working on the problem together.
SPEAKER_00It's a yeah, it's a it's a together thing, exactly. Yeah, okay. I hope y'all getting some. I hope y'all are understanding. Well, matter of fact, hit us in the comments, you know what I mean. If y'all agree or disagree, hit us in the comments, all right? We will I haven't seen nobody today, ain't nobody what the going on. Anyway, I don't know. That's your job, man. No, no, my job's over here on this side of the table. Uh is going to bed angry really a bad thing.
SPEAKER_03I used to say yes. I used to say that you should always, you know, kiss and makeup before you go to bed. Uh-huh. And I I don't I I I think, like we talked about a few weeks ago, um, if you are needing time because you're the the argument was escalating and you were needing to, you know, get your nervous system regulated and you you were flooded and you needed time away, um, I think that that's not a bad thing to go to bed angry. If you agree that you guys are going to continue the conversation tomorrow night, whenever you've come to a time when you know you're not done, because if you're angry, you're not done, right?
SPEAKER_00So before to go to bed, uh it should be an agreement that we talk about this later.
SPEAKER_03We're gonna talk about this tomorrow at two.
SPEAKER_00But you still might be angry. But sometimes if you can't, what if you can't sleep? Because I'm angry. I can't sleep.
SPEAKER_03I don't know, melatonin, dude? I don't know.
SPEAKER_00Melatonin, yeah. I mean, I mean, I see if I'm if I'm really that mad, it's hard for me to sleep. Or if I'm if I'm if I'm confused about something, it's hard for me to sleep.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00You know, if I if if the conversation didn't end on a good note, it's gonna be hard for me to sleep.
SPEAKER_03But have you ever actually kind of acknowledged that like we're not getting anywhere right now with this conversation? And we're gonna this is the part I have a question for you, and we're gonna agree to come back and and continue it later. Because once you've done that and you do come back and continue it later, then your brain comes like, okay, we don't we don't need to like you know obsess about this right now because we're gonna pick this up again. This is not done.
SPEAKER_00But that's that's the thing. When you when you go to bed and say, for instance, on your mind, you we know it's not done, but you know, and you already know it's gonna be a conversation later. To me, if I can't sleep, I'm thinking about it. And then I'm thinking of you know, uh how to solve it, how to, you know, uh make it right or better, you know what I mean? And now and then make it right and better could be, you know, uh um coming to a real understanding in order for us to move forward or come to a real understanding of us to separate. You know what I mean? If it's that deep, if it's that deep, you know, sometimes it ain't really all really that deep, but I'm just saying, if it's that deep, you know what I'm saying, to the point where I can't sleep or whatever, and kind of like, oh shit, let me let me figure out what uh you know how this is going to be.
SPEAKER_03What do you think you would need in order to be able to go to and I'm not talking about melatonin? Okay, I'm talking about what would you need to do. Uh is on fire today, you guys. Um, go go ahead.
SPEAKER_01Go ahead.
SPEAKER_03What what do you what would you need from your I can't I gotta be careful what I say now. Um clearly, clearly I need to be careful about what I say. But like, you know, what do you need? Do you need to feel like you are in this together to solve the problem and that you're gonna work on it together? Because it sounds when you're talking to me right now, it sounds like you're feeling a little like I gotta figure this out. Like I gotta figure this out.
SPEAKER_00It almost like it's like if if if you go to being mad, if you go to me, be go be go to being mad about something and it's not solved, you know, uh you want to solve it, you know. Um not just not just not to you know feel like I gotta be the solved maker, you know, the the the the you know the the fixer, but how do I come the next day with some sort of solution instead of still talking about the problem?
SPEAKER_03Well, what if you don't have to come with the solution? What if you come back together to try to think of ideas together? No, that's a solution. Well, you but you're not coming with a solution. You're coming with come up with some solutions. So what would that look like for you to be able to say that person, I trust that we're gonna come back together tomorrow and we're gonna work on this together, and we're gonna find a solution to the problem, or we're gonna continue to work on it together until we find a solution for the problem or decide that this is not solvable.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_03Um, that I can trust in that. That that that's what is happening?
SPEAKER_01I just read letters cover it.
SPEAKER_03I'm sorry. What is happening?
SPEAKER_01Finish your thought first and then I'll go. Okay, you ruined it for me.
SPEAKER_03I can't.
unknownAll right.
SPEAKER_00So let us say, what's up, Letta? Uh uh Carletta. That's Carletta. She's hey, I ain't been a long time, no. See, Gary. Um, she said, I'm here. I'm uh absolutely agreeing with you, what you guys have been saying. I think when there is a disagreement, a lot of it is you need to know your partner to know how and when to talk. Know how and when to talk. Good point. Exactly. Know how and when to talk. That's what a lot of people miss.
SPEAKER_03The how and the when.
SPEAKER_00Good point. Yeah, good point. But then she said too, you know, when I tell her why I need to sleep, she said, I'm with you, fuel. Yep, need that to sleep too.
SPEAKER_03My God, that's what you're saying.
SPEAKER_00Oh, how do you know it? I don't know.
SPEAKER_03Oh, couldn't have been written all of it. No, no, no, my God, that's so funny. Um, yeah, so the how and the when is important, right? So if you are an anxious, um, if you have anxious patterns, you're gonna want to solve it right away. Like you're wanna like let's get this fixed, let's get it done. Like, I don't want to be going to bed, you know, with this unsolved, right? Because there's a there's a nervous umness about your brain going to like this is gonna, they're gonna leave me, this is gonna be the end, or you know, this this is the demise right here. Um, so there's that. And that's some work to do, right? Of like, this doesn't mean we're it we're done. It doesn't mean that I'm useless, it doesn't mean I'm gonna be abandoned, it doesn't mean all the things. It just means that we have a problem to solve, right?
Going To Bed Angry Without Spiraling
SPEAKER_03We have something that we're gonna and in if we can have if we get to a healthy relationship where we can be like, okay, again, kind of talking about like it's not a fuel problem or a glenda problem, it's a problem right that as you know, as a team, we're gonna try to tackle.
SPEAKER_00Gotcha, gotcha.
SPEAKER_03So how would you feel if you could go to bed knowing that um you're wishing it was solved today, but you weren't gonna get there because otherwise you would have got there, right? And I know that tomorrow we're gonna work on this as a team to try to solve the problem or at least try to think of some solutions to solve the problem.
SPEAKER_00Do you think you could think I could sleep then? Do you think you could sleep?
SPEAKER_03Uh if you really truly believe that, like that this is.
SPEAKER_00I mean, if I yeah, if I it depends on how deep of a of the conversation, you know, it depends on how bad the uh the conversation going to be it was. You know, if it was something simple or something, you know, we just had a disagreement or whatever, you know, and I know there's something that's easy for us to fix, yeah. I can confidently go to sleep and say, oh, we'll we'll we'll finish this tomorrow. It'll be all right, you know what I mean? Uh but if it's something to the point where you're angry while you in bed, it's hard to feel like it's gonna be a fix.
SPEAKER_03Why would you be angry?
SPEAKER_00Because you didn't solve it. The conversation wasn't solved.
SPEAKER_03Okay. So that goes back to like that need to or that that energy around that that um the anxiousness around like getting it solved straight away, right? And so that would be where I would say, you know, if you were working with someone who could help with understanding that it doesn't need to be solved right now in order for you to be okay to go to sleep, right? Um that what are the patterns underneath that make you feel like it needs to be solved right now? I don't want to go to sleep angry, I want to get this done. You know, so that and that's very common, like very common where people want to hurry up and get it solved when it gets uncomfortable, right? So there's discomfort in not being on the same page. But you know, it is possible to still feel connected, still feel love and and those sorts of things, and not agree with something, right? And not have it solved tonight.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_03So that would be a lovely place to get.
SPEAKER_00Right, right, right, right. Okay.
SPEAKER_03Then maybe then maybe you could sleep that and a couple melatonins, and I'm not and not the other thing that you talked about. Like in your secret under I don't know what you talked about. Yeah, okay. So um, so I think social media has really glorified the oh, we never fight. We're the perfect little couple, we never fight, right? And so because so much of it impacts us, what comes in, right? Makes us think that maybe we should be doing doing it like that too. Um I think that's something to really look at. That, you know, if you believe we can have problems or have disagreements or have things that we want to work on, and we can call it a fight or we can call it whatever, like you know, um next week we'll talk about fighting right. But if you believe that um we can have those things and we can work on them together and solve the problem, not attack the person for being a certain way, um, you can be much more relaxed about it. And you don't need to look at these social media posts where people never fight and be like, oh my gosh, our relationship is a disaster because we do fight, right?
SPEAKER_00Because if you're fighting a fight and argument, is that the saying?
SPEAKER_03Well, I don't know. You tell me. I don't think you think it is. So you tell me.
SPEAKER_00I I I never see I I don't see an argument as a fight.
SPEAKER_03What about a conflict? Is it conflict a fight or an argument?
SPEAKER_00Um a conflict.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I mean, I I I mean I I see it, you know, a disagreement or yeah, conflict maybe, but I just don't I don't know what I don't know, fight seems so like, you know, harsh or so what what bad arguments is like disagreements. Okay. You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_03So so So what is a fight for you? What would put it in the fight category? Like what would be need to be happening for you to be like, oh, we're having a fight.
SPEAKER_00Well, I'm from Kansas City. I mean, fighting is is hands. That's not what we do. That is not what we do, people. That's why I said that's why I said arguments. You know, we have arguments, heated arguments, conflicts, you know, that type of thing, and not fights. You know, you know, so I I was just wondering, you know, I'm saying, is that is that what most people call fights? Just that, you know, their arguments, they call it fights.
SPEAKER_03I don't know. I would say that most people do that. Um, I don't I haven't taken a survey.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03I don't know.
SPEAKER_02Gotcha.
SPEAKER_03Um that's an that's a good. It's kind of like when you ask me the question, do you people call it a highway or a freeway here? It's kind of like that, right?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um, I call it a freeway. I don't know. Some other people might call it a highway. Yeah. I don't know. But I call it a freeway. Um, it's it's kind of like that, right?
SPEAKER_00So um, you know, I remember meaning the same thing, but it's it could be the same thing. Okay, right?
SPEAKER_03It could be the same thing. But how is it in your mind? Like if in your mind, if you're like, oh, well, we had a disagreement and that feels like not that big of a deal and we can connect together, that might be somebody else's version of a fight, right? So you have to kind of sort that out yourself of like what does it mean to you? I mean, if if if thinking that you're gonna have a fight creates angst.
SPEAKER_02Create what?
SPEAKER_03Like anxiety. I said angst. But you know, it's you can use that. You can use that word.
SPEAKER_00That's a professional word.
SPEAKER_03No angst. It's not.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it is. I ain't never heard that.
SPEAKER_03Go ahead and use it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I will.
Social Media Glorifies "We Never Fight"
SPEAKER_00Girl, you angst.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_03Use it the right way, though. Girl, you got angst.
SPEAKER_01Is that how you do it?
SPEAKER_03You don't got angst.
SPEAKER_01It's not like a disease.
SPEAKER_03You've got angst.
SPEAKER_01Angst, don't you? Don't give me your angst.
SPEAKER_03It's causing turmoil. Is that one better?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_01It's causing turmoil.
SPEAKER_03Um don't use it. Don't use that word. Gotcha. Gotcha. Like, okay. You know, call it a freeway. Call it a highway. I don't know. Gotcha. All right. But uh my point about social media is, you know, we uh and we've talked about this about many things. Like we look at social media and we think that that's and I think we're most of us are smart enough to go like that's not real. Most people are not real, you know, most of them are not real, right? But our shit.
SPEAKER_02What is happening?
SPEAKER_01I'm laughing at lettuce. You can't put this stuff on here. Maybe I shouldn't let you be reading that over. Yeah, I shouldn't be.
SPEAKER_03I take it this is I love it though. I love when they comment, though.
SPEAKER_01I know, yeah, I know. But I lose you for you. I know you lost me. I'm sorry. I am so sorry. Go ahead.
SPEAKER_03We were talking about pumpkins. Goodness.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, nothing about pumpkins.
SPEAKER_03Making sure you're stuck with me.
SPEAKER_01All right, go ahead. Finish. All right.
SPEAKER_03I think most of us are smart enough to realize that a lot of what we see on social media is not real. Right? It's pretend. Um, but our subconscious doesn't always know that, right? Right. So, you know, if it's going in and somewhere back there is like, oh, that's what my relationship should be like, even though you know the one you're looking at is not real, that can be problematic. Right. So okay. All right. Unless you're unless you're watching us, limit your social media.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. That part. Let us say, hey, give me that, and we can get back to being mad after, if necessary. That's what I was laughing about. But she did say, she did say, um, all of this requires healthy conversation and level of emotional maturity. And then she was saying that fight a fight is what happens when someone cheats.
SPEAKER_03Everybody has their definition.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, that's a different definition for a fight. Yeah. When someone cheats. Interesting.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, that is interesting.
SPEAKER_00Okay, what do we got?
SPEAKER_03So, what do we think it costs us um to be the people pleaser or the person who keeps the peace instead of being honest about what is really happening for me or you know, so if I'm not telling you what's really going on for me, what do you think?
SPEAKER_00It costs who?
SPEAKER_03It costs us, the relationship, my person, me, you.
SPEAKER_00It costs a lot. It causes you time, it causes you emotional distress, it causes you uh uh um to have your guard up for anyone else in the future.
SPEAKER_03You know?
SPEAKER_00Can so yeah, I mean it it can it can it can be very you know mental, you know, it can mess with you mentally, you know, as to you know, it can scare you to to not want to talk about something something, certain
People Pleasing Leads To Resentment
SPEAKER_00things to certain people, you know, that you're with or whatever, you know. So yeah, it can it can cost a lot.
SPEAKER_03It costs a lot, yeah, yeah. And I think you know, we we become resentful, right? Um, by holding this in and not saying our our truth. Um, and so you know, I kind of like to say like resentment builds where the words don't go. So if you aren't saying the words, resentment, you're kind of feeding that resentment account every time you don't say what's actually true for you, right? Right? And I shouldn't really even bring this one up because fuel's gonna go spiral again, you guys. But so intimacy, don't go there. What really cannot exist without honesty. You cannot get truly to the level of intimacy with somebody. I'm not talking about I'm not talking about that. You guys should see his face right now, like it's something else, right? What intimacy? Well, the connection being really like you know, you can't uh let's just take an easy one, okay? Okay, like actually looking at somebody, right? Like really looking at them and seeing them and you know being close in that way. No touching, we're not touching yet, okay. But if if I'm not honest with you and you're not honest with me, we can't get there. Gotcha, right? We can have superficial fun, right, right? But it's not, you're not getting all of me, and I'm not getting all of you because it's not an honest relationship.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_03Trying to keep that as safe as possible. Because you already know.
SPEAKER_00I was gonna say so. If you're having sex and not looking at each other, oh my god, he's going there.
SPEAKER_03Oh my god.
SPEAKER_00Nope, nope, all right.
SPEAKER_03He's on fire too. I'm not on fire.
SPEAKER_00Okay, can I can I I got a real good question?
SPEAKER_03Oh yes, you can ask me.
SPEAKER_00Or your opinion. I don't know if I yeah, question, opinions both part of the same. Um partner be allowed to tell you how you are permitted to speak when you're arguing when you're angry?
SPEAKER_03Well, the short answer is no, you're not the boss of me. Okay.
SPEAKER_00However, here's a however.
SPEAKER_03Here's a however. We need to have a whole episode on this. This however. And this is that um you can request that they talk to you in a certain way, right? You can say, like, please don't raise your voice, or please don't curse at me, or please don't tell me I'm an idiot, or you know, I don't appreciate it. You can request. Um, they may or may not comply, right? Um, but for you, if you don't want to be spoken to in a certain way, don't speak to them in a certain way. That that too, like you know, freak what you sow. Yeah, but also um this is where boundaries come in, right? This is where you say, look, I really want to have a conversation with you, but it needs to be in a calm, peaceful way. And if it if if that can't happen, I'm leaving the room. Right. And you leave the room, right, right, right, right. So that's protecting you. It's not against them. You can ask them not to speak to you in a certain way, and they may or may not comply, like I said, but you can say,
Boundaries Around Tone And Respect
SPEAKER_03This is what I'm gonna do for me, right? Because I'm not gonna be spoken to in that way. Right. Um, and if it happens, I just am telling you now I'm gonna have to leave.
SPEAKER_00Right. And you do. The conversation is over. And then does it make that person even more angry though?
SPEAKER_03Maybe, but this is not about them, right? This is about you protecting you. So you ask, and and ideally, you have this conversation, you don't have it in the middle of like, don't talk to me that way. Like, that's not the moment. But you know, if you've noticed in the past that they raise their voice or they're cursing or they're calling you an idiot or whatever, and things that are just should the conversation just be cut short right there.
SPEAKER_00Like once a person starts talking about you in a certain way, I wouldn't, then it's kind of like yeah, I might as well just go ahead apart because it's not gonna go anywhere. That's not that's not gonna be a good conversation, right?
SPEAKER_03Yeah, right. But you really want to bring this these kind of things up when things are not escalated, right? So, hey, I just want to let you know, you know, that this this is kind of landing hard for me. And so I'd really appreciate it if when you know when we have hard conversations, if you could speak to me in this way.
SPEAKER_00Well, would that person get defensive? Uh you know, because you because you say that.
SPEAKER_03Well, they might. Yeah, they might, but this is not about them, it's about you.
SPEAKER_00I mean, but I'm saying how you handle that though. If a so if if you come to someone, we're like, hey, I'm not like the way that you're coming at me, you know, we need to, you know, if you're if you're then they defend anybody, what do you mean? Like, you know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_03Yes. So the way that we want to approach all things like this is that when I hear somebody raise their voice, or when I hear somebody downgrade somebody else, um, it makes me feel very nervous. It makes me feel very whatever it is for you, a very insecure, like scared, whatever. So, you know, um, you know, the next time we have a conversation, like I just want to let you know that if I'm starting to feel that way, I'm gonna have to leave the conversation. You're not saying don't talk that way. You can talk however you want.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_03But what I'm gonna do for me is end it is protect myself because it's not landing good for me, right? So you're not ever saying you are the problem. What you're saying is when I hear it this way, it impacts me in this way, and uh, that's not good for me. So uh this is what I'm gonna do. And they'll either choose to change, you know, and if they're like, I don't understand what you're saying. You you can give examples. You can say, like, well, hey, you know, the last time we had a conversation, you know, you called me an idiot, and uh, you know, and it really landed hard for me. And uh, you know, so if you could not say things like that, I would be really great. If they ask, right? But um, but it's about what you're gonna do for you, not against them.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_00So it's it's about the wording and how you at what point does fighting for the relationship like become fighting against each other, though?
SPEAKER_03Well, when you're starting to do the contempt, the eye rolling, the criticizing, the attacking your character, as opposed to what's the problem, right? Because there's two separate things. You could have a behavior that I don't like, that is not who you are, that is a thing you do, right? If you are um, you know, a person who raises their voice, that is a behavior. That doesn't make you a bad person, right? Right. So we're so if I'm I'm if I'm attacking you as a person, or you know, thinking that what you're saying, you know, can like the eye rolling, like I said, where I think what you're saying is ridiculous. And right, you know, that is not productive. That's not solving the problem, that's attacking the human, right? And that is not gonna that's not gonna go well.
SPEAKER_00True, true.
SPEAKER_03So don't do that shit to me.
SPEAKER_00Right, right, right. Yeah, okay.
SPEAKER_03You got we got a couple more yeah, well, one more question. No, no, go ahead. You can have oh, I was just gonna I was just gonna say you have one more question. Um all right, so um, but this kind of goes with what you just said, but I'm gonna say it again just because I think it it bears repeating. So unhealthy conflict attacking the person, not the issue, using contempt, sarcasm, stonewalling, that's like you know, ignoring talk walking away or not having conversation at all. Um ending the conversation and not repairing. So we might not come to a resolution right now, like you said, with the going to bed mad thing, but we don't just ignore it then. We need to come back, circle back, and and end it, right? So, how would it look if it was healthy? Um, we would be talking about the behavior, not the character of the person. We would stay curious about what's their side of how do they perceive it? Like what's happening for them, right? What's happening on their side of the street, um about their experience in this situation, not just my experience, not just my side of how I feel things, how do you feel things? And we would, you know, make attempts to repair. Like we're both people feel heard heard. We're not having a conversation, and I think this is probably something we should talk about at some point, but we're not having a conversation where I'm saying something to you and your mind is thinking about what you're gonna say back to me.
SPEAKER_00Right, right.
SPEAKER_03We're having a conversation where you're hearing me.
SPEAKER_00But that's selective hearing, basically, right?
SPEAKER_03Well, you're worried so worried about defending your side of the street, right? Like, well, what am I gonna say back to her? Like, maybe not thinking it that way, but like, what am I how am I gonna respond? Versus, can you just hear me? Can you just hear how I'm experiencing this? You'll have a time, a moment to tell me how you're experiencing it, but right now I just want you to hear me, right?
SPEAKER_00And then you know, you know what I think I have a problem with sometimes, is because you know, sometimes people, at least I do. Sometimes I think I have so much of a valid point that I want to make that I may
Healthy Conflict Listening Repair One Topic
SPEAKER_00interrupt you so I don't forget it. Not that I ain't trying to be rude or overbearing or power, you know, over the conversation, but I just don't want to forget this valid point that I feel may either help us, you know, get to an understanding, then you know, say for instance, um if you arguing with me about something, right? And I have already in my mind now that maybe what you're arguing about could be wrong.
SPEAKER_03You're not hearing me.
SPEAKER_00No, no, no. No, if you if you if you say stated what you were saying, but you're not hearing me.
SPEAKER_03But you're listening, I'm listening, but you're not hearing me.
SPEAKER_00No, no, no. I can be hearing you.
SPEAKER_03Well, if you're thinking, I'm telling you right now, well, no, no, not thinking, not thinking why you're talking.
SPEAKER_00I'm just saying, like yeah, like well, well, say for instance, I take a breather. Yeah, say for instance, yeah. If it's say for instance, yeah, say for instance, you stated what you wanted to say or whatever, and I listened, I heard it, but then I know that it's wrong, and then I'm ready to hurry up and tell you what why you were wrong. And I'm willing to hurry up and tell you because I don't want to forget, you know what I mean? And then if I was wrong about that, then you can continue because no, you know, and tell me that no, that's not what it is, that's not what it was. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_03I hear what you're saying.
SPEAKER_00You feel you, yeah. No, and you don't feel what I'm saying. And I uh I mean, but that that that is a bad thing for me.
SPEAKER_03I think I don't like you know it this I'm telling you this from my own experience and from from the people that I work with. We all want to be seen and heard. You don't have to agree with me. That's fine, right? But if you are interjecting and not able to just tell me what you heard me say and how this how I am feeling.
SPEAKER_00No, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about like if I repeat it, what you said, because I've already I've heard it, but I have a point of of saying that it's not your turn to talk yet.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, that's my no, no, this is where we get it wrong, right? It's not your turn to talk until you have checked with me, and we can go through this whole, we can practice one of these days. That'll be fun on here. We'll get people on to practice until you have checked with me that I feel like you understand my viewpoint, that there's nothing missing in the way that you fed it back to me, that you can somehow validate a piece of what I said to to say, like, well, I can understand why you would feel that way. Or I I, you know, if that happened to me, I'd probably feel that way too. And and until that part is done, and I'm can say, okay, you understand me. Yeah. Then and only then is it your turn. And I do it back to you. Well, if what I'm hearing you say is from your perspective, this and this and this and this, right? Did I get that right? Do we, you know, is there anything I'm missing? How can, you know, do you think I heard you? Because what it says to me when you come back right at me is you're not really hearing me. You're just thinking about how you're gonna dis dispute to my or to respond to what I'm saying. And that you can't do both.
SPEAKER_00But if I repeat if I repeat what you said, obviously you mean that I'm listening and I'm trying to make a point to the to the fact that you're probably wrong about what you're what you're saying. Because I repeated to you, you know, and it's not untrue, it's not the is it's actually factual, you know, that I basically what I repeat to you, and I say, you know, you know, we're arguing about one thing, but what we talked about before was not the argument then, you know. So why would it be an argument now?
SPEAKER_03Okay, well, that's a whole nother thing, and I think we need to keep it.
SPEAKER_00I think I got off. I think I got off. You got slightly offly off. I think I like that though.
SPEAKER_03That's good. I think you know, another little tip, and I I really do think we should probably talk about this at some point, but that is that we keep the discussions about what we're not happy with to one thing at a time.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03We don't bring like 53 things in.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_03Like what is the one thing right now, right? Um, and that both people have the opportunity to s to sh express how they feel it and make sure that the other person understands their viewpoint, doesn't have to agree, right? But how it's landing for me is how it's landing for me, whether you think it's right or wrong. And how it's landing for you is how it's landing for you, whether I think it's right or wrong.
SPEAKER_00Gotcha. Gotcha.
unknownRight.
SPEAKER_03All right, okay. I think you wore me out.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah, yeah. We did we did a lot today. We did a lot.
SPEAKER_03There was no way we were gonna get through this. I know I know the second part.
SPEAKER_00I know, because I still have some other, but that's okay. That's okay. Uh is one other thing you want to wrap up with?
SPEAKER_03I I I no, I just want to say I'm tired now.
SPEAKER_00I got you tired. All right, all right. Well then we go. Let me let
Win Less Understand More
SPEAKER_00me wrap it up.
SPEAKER_03You wrap it up. You wrap it up.
SPEAKER_00All right. What would change in our relationship if the goal of an argument wasn't to win? Or would it change? Or what would it change? If our relationship and the goal of an argument wasn't to win, but to understand each other and leave the conversation feeling safe enough to tell the truth again tomorrow.
SPEAKER_03Is that a question for me? Or is that a question for our people? That's for and I love it, and it's so in alignment with what we've talked about. So I'm proud of you.
SPEAKER_00So I would like you guys to put that in the comment, you know, with what I just said, you know. So tell me, tell us what you think.
SPEAKER_03Say it one more time.
SPEAKER_00What would change in our relationship if the goal of an argument wasn't to win, but to understand each other and leave the conversation feeling safe enough to tell the truth again tomorrow?
SPEAKER_03Love it.
SPEAKER_00Yes. I need to live by that as well. I love it.
SPEAKER_03I love it.
SPEAKER_00That's what's up. That's what's gonna, that's what's gonna do it for us today. And we will see y'all next Thursday at 6 p.m. on time.
SPEAKER_03Yes, on time. On time? Yes, on time. It's have to be on time.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it will be on time next week. Uh, we appreciate you guys tapping in. And always remember, if they're talking about you behind your back, they behind you for a reason. Peace.
SPEAKER_01I think we're my theme music. There we go. Peace out, y'all. We see y'all next week.
