REASONS! ON FIREDUPTHURSDAYS
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REASONS! ON FIREDUPTHURSDAYS
A Relationship Lasts Longer When You Own Your Part
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The butterflies are easy. The long haul is where most relationships either deepen or quietly fall apart. We go point by point through what we believe actually keeps a long-term relationship healthy when looks change, stress piles up, and the “new” wears off.
Coach G brings a psychology and attachment-style lens to the conversation, starting with emotional self-awareness: can you own your part when you fight, stay curious, and repair instead of blaming. From there we get into integrity and consistency, the day-to-day follow-through that builds trust and calms the nervous system. Yes, we even get into the texting debate and why what seems “small” to one person can hit a deep fear of rejection for someone else.
We also talk about the traits people underestimate: a sense of humor that connects instead of offends, genuine kindness that shows up everywhere (the waiter test matters), and trust that protects vulnerability rather than using it as ammo later. Then we zoom out to shared life vision: values, money, kids, religion, where you want to live, and how to spot misalignment early. We close with the real test of partnership: when hardship hits, do you feel like a team or like you are alone.
Subscribe, share this with someone who needs it, and leave a review. What is your number one nonnegotiable for a lasting relationship?
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Technical Glitches And Ground Rules
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up, what's up, what's up, baby? We know we're a little bit uh technical difficulties, of course, but I got it. But it's your boy Fuel in the house. And of course, we got our co-host in the house. Coach G is in the house, baby. That's what's up, that's what's up. We're gonna get this, we're gonna go ahead and get this started. We're gonna get this show started. Um we apologize, of course. I ain't apologizing. Y'all here, just come on in and join in and join the conversation because we always got some juice for you. You know what I mean? So um, I guess you because geez, she's got something, she's got something set up for me, I guess. You know, and you guys see the title. It's he say, she say. So if this gets a little rally, don't um um report us. Oh my. Yeah, don't report us because it might get a little crazy. I don't know. We'll see. We'll see. All right, what you think?
SPEAKER_01I think it could be colorful.
SPEAKER_02It's colorful. Uh-huh. I don't know if that's a mean word for for women that's greater to bash on me or something.
SPEAKER_00I would colorful.
SPEAKER_02I would never all right. So, so what are we talking about?
SPEAKER_01Okay, well, first of all, take 47, right?
SPEAKER_02Today of all that get this going. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01So we are here. Um, so we are gonna talk about what we each feel like is important in a long-term relationship.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_01Okay. I'm not talking about the initial like attraction and you know, she's cute and he's hot, and what we're we're talking deeper than that. Like, because we're all gonna get old and wrinkly and kind of out of shape, probably to some degree, right? Like, we're okay, we're not gonna stay beautiful like we were.
SPEAKER_02I am well, you see. The only reason it's great is there's a he shape was what we restarted already. We're about to uh okay, uh it's on like uh whatever.
SPEAKER_03Where'd that come from? All right, so okay, all right, so where are you?
SPEAKER_01So I kind of sat down and I thought about um what was important to me, what I see as useful or helpful for long-term relationships, and then I kind of bounced it off of from a attachment style standpoint, from you know, from um the ability to connect and stay connected and communicate.
SPEAKER_02I don't know where it's coming from.
SPEAKER_01Why do I sound like there I'm in the toilet?
SPEAKER_02No, no, it's the water, just the something vision going on here.
SPEAKER_01So um I kind of bounced it against from a psychological standpoint and from a safety, emotional safety standpoint. And so I came up with my list, and I thought it would be fun for me to kind of just hit my nine main things that I feel, and you can choose to agree or choose to agree.
SPEAKER_02Okay, I have a feeling, I don't know. I have a feeling this is going to be uh controversial. I don't know.
SPEAKER_01You really have two choices here. You can agree with me or you can agree with me.
SPEAKER_02See, that's what I'm talking about. You see what I'm saying? Y'all know, y'all, fellas, y'all gonna have to help me in this one, all right? Y'all gonna have to come on and help. And yeah, I it look like I'm gonna need some help. So uh, all right, let's let's let's get started. Let's get started.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and we would love to hear what other people think about um my being right and you maybe not being right. So, all right, no, just kidding. All right, so we're gonna start right. Remember, we're not talking about how how attracted we are to somebody initially. This is really more long-term, right? Because uh not that to say that the attraction goes away, but you kind of get used to seeing your partner with them for a long time, right? It's not the same as that initial stars and butterflies and
Emotional Self-Awareness In Real Conflict
SPEAKER_01all of that, right?
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_01Okay. So the first one for me emotional self-awareness. So what do I mean by this? I mean you don't, well, first of all, you don't really know if they're emotionally self-aware until you get into that like really like first fight.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_01And then it's the other person not taking responsibility for their side of the argument, if you will. And you're all you're all the problem, right? When when they say you're all the problem and they can't take their side of the street and be responsible for that, that to me is um a lack of so of emotional self-awareness. So if they have low self-awareness, um, plus some curiosity about what the other person might be saying, and they can be open to maybe I can, you know, listen and potentially see some truth in it, then I think you've got something to work with. But low self-awareness and no curiosity is no bueno.
SPEAKER_03Okay, gotcha.
SPEAKER_01Right for me.
SPEAKER_03Okay.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_03For you.
SPEAKER_01For me, and you're gonna agree.
SPEAKER_03Okay, for you.
SPEAKER_01Okay, so tell me, Fuel, what do you think about emotional self-awareness?
SPEAKER_02What do I think about emotional self-awareness? What I think about emotional self-awareness.
SPEAKER_01I don't know why he's fidgeting in his chair, but I mean, what I think about it.
SPEAKER_02Is it is are you asking me what I think about it as uh being a thing, or are you asking me what I think about it as just having it or or not having it?
SPEAKER_01I'm asking you, do you think that is critical for long-term relationships?
SPEAKER_02To have emotional self-awareness.
SPEAKER_01And what does that look like, you know, from your eyes? Because you know what it looks like from mine.
SPEAKER_02Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I I think it's I think it is good to have emotional self-awareness if you're with someone that you're uh uh plan on being with, um and you know maybe what triggers them, you know what I mean, to either cause an argument or escalate into a big disagreement, you know. And if you're in of course, if you have that awareness, you're kind of gonna approach it in a different way, I think. You know, but sometimes in the midst of things, you don't think of it.
SPEAKER_00True.
SPEAKER_02And doesn't mean that you you don't have that awareness.
unknownShoot, am I agreeing with him?
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you are. Yeah, see, I'm winning already. Don't mean that you uh, you know, it doesn't mean that you don't have that awareness. It's just that sometimes emotions jumps ahead of you. You know what I mean? Uh mentally in the moment, you're you're not thinking of that awareness or that person and how they make them feel about something that you probably should have kind of sat back and thought about before you presented it.
SPEAKER_01If that makes sense. Yes. So what I'm hearing you say is being aware of what might impact your partner. Sometimes you don't pay attention or you're not in your groove. I guess my question for you is how important do you think it is that you recognize um your part in in being aware how uh aware of how your emotions are and how stable they are and how there's a possibility ready for this? That you might have a part of this problem, might be part of the problem. I'm never the problem. But go ahead. All the people are like disagreeing with you right now.
SPEAKER_02No, they're not. They're in there. The fellas are with me. They we are we we ain't never the problem. No, go ahead. I know.
SPEAKER_01So, you know, that so what are you thinking about? What do you think about that? Like, do you think that that's um important that we as individuals are self-aware of our emotions and how they could impact the relationship long term, and that there is a possibility that it might be part uh part a you issue and part of me issue.
SPEAKER_02Well, only if it can be helped. If it can be helped.
SPEAKER_01What's it?
SPEAKER_02Huh? I mean, because I mean if it if some things can be helped, some things can be, you know, uh um doesn't have to be or as as serious as one may think it is. But like put it this way what's serious to me may not be serious to you. And what's serious to you may not be serious to me.
SPEAKER_03Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02You know what I mean? So if I uh if I have this certain awareness about what may trigger you about something, that our conversation may escalate it, and I, you know go on go in on it without having any sort of uh um repercussion for saying certain things or regret for, you know, putting it out there, whatever, that's been thoughtless of me. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_00Yes.
SPEAKER_02So agreed. So yeah, I I I think I think you know, to have the awareness and be able to practice that awareness or whatever is a good thing. Not, you know, it's something that we should, you know, try to do, but it doesn't always happen like that. It doesn't always work like that. Of course. So the thing is, is what how do you get out? How do you if how do you uh uh um fix that as far as the you know once you make that mistake? How do you fix that? You know, and and sometimes we don't know how to fix it because our emotions are all bowled up on both sides.
SPEAKER_01But the fact that you're asking the question to me of how do you fix it tells me you are emotionally self-aware. Because somebody who is not emotionally self-aware is not gonna look at and be like, well, is there a part of this that is my this deal? Or there's something that is there something that I could do? They don't, it's not they're not seeing it that way, right? It's not they're not curious about, well, oh shoot, how can how can I make this better next time or what did I do or what you know what's what are they feeling or any of that? They're just kind of like, well, this is kind of how it is. Right, you know, so points for fuel in being emotionally self-aware, or at least at least pretending to be on TV.
SPEAKER_02No, I see trying to put me under the bus. All right.
SPEAKER_01Um, because that curiosity is really what it's all about, right? It's not we're not gonna be perfect, right? But but if you're curious about you know what's my part here, that's that says a lot.
SPEAKER_02Okay, all right. So I passed that one.
SPEAKER_01Kudos. I didn't, yes, you passed. Yeah, I passed.
SPEAKER_02All right.
SPEAKER_01Barely, but you passed.
SPEAKER_02I mean, y'all can tell me, y'all can tell me if I passed or not, and you know what I'm saying? Y'all can get your opinions too, you know, as as as what we're as we go along with this conversation. Go ahead. All right, all right. You ready for number two on my list? I think so.
SPEAKER_01You think so? Why was one too much? Like I take a little break or go.
SPEAKER_02Oh no, no, no. I'm I'm you see me. I'm up here trying to I was trying to put it up here for them for the people to know what we're talking about.
SPEAKER_01I wish you guys could all be a little bit more. Trying to do 20 things out of it. Yes, he's like, you know, an octopus with yes, eight arms doing all the things, and I'm just sitting here, you know, living my best life. Okay,
Integrity As The Basis Of Safety
SPEAKER_01as it should be, right? Right. Um, okay. Second one for me is integrity. Now, integrity to me um is really the foundation of what makes us feel safe. So when I know you're gonna do what you say you're gonna do, um, that is really calming to my nervous system. And when I feel safe, I'm you know, I'm in it for the long haul. Right. Right. So what do you think about that?
SPEAKER_02As far as integrity. Integrity. Is it one of your top give me a give me a say give it to me in a sentence? What is integrity?
SPEAKER_01So integrity means to me, um, you are um your actions are in alignment with what you tell me you're gonna do. So if you tell me you're gonna whatever, take take the car and fill it up with gas, making this up, right? And you do it, then I then that helps build trust that you are gonna do. You're gonna do that.
SPEAKER_02I don't think that's the only thing, don't worry. Something with the screen going on.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh, if you guys heard what I'm hearing in my ear, it's like something else. It's like the toilet's flushing. Um, so to me, that builds trust because your words, your actions match your words, right? And over time, that helps to calm my nervous system because if you say you're gonna call, you call. If you say you're gonna do something, you do it. You you know, so for me, that is integrity. That's a foundation for me to feel um safe and calm because I know that I can trust in what you're saying.
SPEAKER_02What I'm saying. So is the question is do I have integrity?
SPEAKER_01No, the question is, is that would that be on your list for long a long-term relationship? That the person that you're with have integrity. Uh and what would that look like for you?
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_01Yes, just the short answer. Yes.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I mean, the yes. I mean I wouldn't want to go through a relationship without, you know, having to second guess what a person's gonna do with me or around me. And I don't want that person to have to have to have a second guess of what I'm gonna do, especially when I say I'm gonna do something. Um but I don't also want I don't want that person to assume that I'm gonna do something as well, if that makes sense.
SPEAKER_01Tell me more. Tell me more.
SPEAKER_02You don't put you trying to put me in a session. What the hell? I know what the heck you doing. I know what you're doing. Um no, I mean, like, like I can handling I can have every intention of doing something and sometimes get caught up without doing it doesn't mean I don't have integrity or or or or the means of doing something. You know what I mean? I basically have very intent every intention to doing something that I say that I'ma do, but may have gotten sidetracked, you know, but that, you know, but being sidetracked is different from someone looking at you as if you just don't, you know, either care or you didn't think about it, or you know, you just let it go, you know, under, you know, the side of the waist or whatever, and I'm not thinking of them. You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so I kind of see it as um your your beautiful brain has very black and white thinking of like it's all in or all out.
SPEAKER_02Like you, yeah. No, it's not.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_02There's a he say, she say, no, it's not. It's not. Yes, I am not black and white. It's not black and white. No, I don't, I don't believe it's black and white.
SPEAKER_01I I believe now we're going. Now we're going.
SPEAKER_02Come on. I don't, I don't believe it's is it's black and white. You know, it's just it's just life. It's basically some things happen. You know, I think if you're together long enough to understand each other long enough, you know, you're going to understand that that the intentions wasn't there to not, you know, or to ignore something that they probably said they was gonna do. It's not their intention, you know. So so but but you were so cute. But that's not black and white, though. That's pink. No, no, well, well, well, um you said something that was kind of interesting.
SPEAKER_01You said um and I think what you were getting at is like sometimes I'm going to say I'm gonna do something, I intend to do it, I have all, you know, for all intents and purposes, I plan on doing it, and then something doesn't go the way I thought it was going to go. And that doesn't mean that I never intended or it isn't important to me, or that person's not important to me. And I think that's a good point that we are not gonna be 100% all the time spot on, doing all the things, being perfect. There is no perfect, right?
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01So this kind of goes back to then how do we repair? And uh this is not a you know a dialogue about repair, but when we talked before in a previous episode how important the repair is and how when you repair well, right actually strengthens the relationship even more than if you didn't have an issue in the first place.
SPEAKER_02Okay. So but that person has to be um, I guess are we talking in we are we talking like in in a beginning of a relationship or during a relationship? In a marriage or what?
SPEAKER_01Well, this whole art, I mean, my list is. I'm just trying to get a a whole ball apart so I can so this is that's a great question because my list is about what do I think is important for a long-term relationship, right? Um, so if you don't see uh a person doing what they say they're gonna do early on, and again, not a hundred percent, right? Because we're gonna make boo-boos, but they say they're gonna do something and they do it, and they say they're gonna do something and they do it, and they say they're gonna do something and they do it, and then occasionally they miss, um, that is gonna give you a sense of integrity, uh their integrity, right? Like, are they going to do are are their words are their actions matching their words?
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01So if you don't see it early on, I would be concerned.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_01If it was me, I would be concerned, right? And so, you know, but we want to keep that going throughout the relationship. We don't want to be 20 years down the road and all of a sudden your your actions don't match your words, right? Of course. But that was a great question because I think out the gate, you should be looking for this integrity, right? If if you want this to be because if you don't feel if you can't feel safe in that they're gonna do what they say they're gonna do, there's always gonna be a level of of uh uneasiness or anxiety, right? Because you don't know. Like you don't know, they're gonna do what they say, right?
SPEAKER_02Okay, so do you do you think yeah, we're gonna try to turn it around here, guys. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Do you think that that um when it comes to something like that, and they don't see the um person, you know, uh it's about of their word or integrity, as you say, um, but yet you're still trained to uh have a relationship with that person, and you're ignoring that or whatever, you know, how you know detrimental can that be to the relationship?
SPEAKER_01Well, very because we are now talking about at some point I can you know kind of pretend like it's not happening, but eventually that catches up, right? And so I'm gonna feel not safe. I'm not gonna feel safe in this relationship because I'm making you the bad guy. Because you're not doing and saying what you you're not, you they don't align, right?
SPEAKER_02She ain't talking about me, but yeah, yeah, yeah, you yeah.
SPEAKER_01He said, she said, okay, you're the he said in this. Um, so yeah, I think it'd be very, very detrimental. And it kind of all goes back to we need to understand what triggers us, we need to understand how to, you know, feel safe with um within ourselves so that we can then not show up pretending, if you will, or ignoring or people pleasing or all the things, so that you know you are you're secure in yourself going into the relationship so that you can see these things and you can call them out for what they are, right? Not trying to just keep it because you're so nervous that you're not gonna get anybody else or that this person's gonna leave you or or what have you. So great question. Good question. I'm gonna give you points for a good question.
SPEAKER_02Well, that's what you get at the end.
SPEAKER_01All right, got anything else on that one?
SPEAKER_02Uh
Consistency And The Texting Trigger
SPEAKER_02no.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Consistency to me is really important. And it kind of goes with integrity, right? So sadly, the dating culture right now kind of um, from my perspective and my experience, kind of glorifies not having consistency. Like, you know, coming when you come when you want, go when you want, seeing the all the people, you know, just it's like the more and it's it's kind of packaged up as um passion sometimes, right? Keeping it different and not doing what we say we're gonna do, you know. And so that's fun initially, but long term, that consistency again, of kind of you know, kind of um going back to the integrity. It's like if you are consistent with the way that you behave, if you're consistent with the things that You do the things that you say, um, that is going to make me feel safer. For some uh people, it feels boring.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_01Right? Because it's like same, same, same, same.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, I don't like boring. But anyway, go ahead.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I know you don't like it.
SPEAKER_02I know you don't like it.
SPEAKER_01Um, but from a nervous system standpoint, it feels safe, right? Because I can count on it, right? I know this is kind of what's gonna happen. Not to say that you can't have new experiences or different things or try different things in your in your relationship. Of course, you should. Um, but do I can I trust that my partner is going to be consistent with certain things that that make me feel safe, right? That they are going to do and continue to do, and it's not a on again, off again. Sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not gonna do it kind of cycle because that feels very dysregulated.
SPEAKER_02What's what's give me some examples of those cycles or some of those on and on's fitting? Give me some examples so I can kind of disagree.
unknownOr agree.
SPEAKER_02So I can agree or disagree to it. Yeah. What kind of examples are we talking about here?
SPEAKER_01I I I love the texting one because we just it's a thread that we've just been doing, right? So if somebody is consistently, and again, we're not gonna be 100%. So I'm not saying 100% of the time. Sometimes things are gonna come up, but if we've kind of gotten in a pattern where I know that I'm gonna hear from you at some point during the day via text, right? And then a day goes by and you don't text, or or the or the um the kind of the message of the text doesn't feel congruent with what you normally text, um, that can feel inconsistent, right? So occasionally you're super busy, whatever, you don't have time, or you you know, gotta handle something and you might sound short in the text, that's fine. But if we see this over and over again, that becomes very inconsistent and I don't know what what's really going on and I don't I don't feel safe, right? So, you know, sometimes you do text, sometimes you don't, sometimes you say a lot of words, sometimes you don't have to.
SPEAKER_02Is that more of a of a um I don't know that that's that's that's a more of a self problem though, too, I think. Well for for for for for you to be kind of like banking on hearing from somebody in order to make yourself feel wanted or needed or thought of or whatever, I think that's more of pressure on yourself. You know what I mean? It's more it's more like, you know, and and especially like you said, you know, if if you're with somebody or whatever, and and it's not intentional, but then you yet bring it up to be a problem. Yeah, the problem because of yeah, the other person bringing it up to be a problem or whatever, and it's because they're thinking too much into it of themselves or whatever mentally, as opposed to the person that's maybe either busy or either wasn't, you know, just in the uh right place to be able to, you know, text you back or whatever like that. And then you're, you know, and it's in this and and and once you get that that that confirmation of of of why from that person, but yet you're not you're not caring about that why. You're caring about it just didn't happen and it didn't do it, or you didn't say it. I mean, you I didn't hear from you. You know what I mean? And that's more so of a of a uh thing with yourself where you're fighting yourself about something like, oh, he don't think about me, he don't care about me, he don't this or this or whatever. I guess I'm not that important for him in the day or whatever, you know.
SPEAKER_01So I'm gonna go back to that individual.
SPEAKER_02I know we get into this text thing. Uh I I guess I get a little touchy or something about this old little text thing. I don't bring it up because it's kind of fun for me.
SPEAKER_01Um, it's just nice to keep the same thread. We could talk about something else if you'd like, like making the bread, not making the bread. I don't know. But um, so I'm gonna go back and I'm gonna say the person who is overly anxious about something like texting has some work to do for sure, right? We have we have some work to do around that. And if you care about somebody and you want to be in a relationship with them, they're going back to self-awareness and kind of what is your role, can you, what can you do to help ease that as they're working through their their growth around that?
SPEAKER_02I guess the thing with me is I don't want to make it seem like it's a job. I don't want to make it seem like it's a routine. And if it happened naturally, yes, let's let it happen naturally. But you gotta give it time to let it happen naturally too. You know, say, for instance, if if you put in that that this is bothersome to me, I didn't hear from you all day or whatever, you know what I'm saying? Then yes, naturally, I'm gonna have to be like, all right, holler at my girl. You know, maybe, you know, she's having a bad day, maybe she needs to hear from me or something like that or whatever, you know. So I'm gonna be thoughtful in that way. But say, for instance, if you still, though, end up busy or end up doing something or whatever to the point where you didn't get to that, you know, mentally, I don't think that other person should be on some defensive uh uh uh negative objective to what happened because I get that because your um your brain sees it as not a problem, but the other person who might be anxious, right, might be anxious, has things below the level of I just didn't get a text.
SPEAKER_01It's more like uh, you know, I'm not good enough, I'm gonna be abandoned, I'm you know, not worthy. I'm there's things below the just the the activity of I didn't get the text that if you don't have those core wounds, you're not gonna be able to understand that, right? It doesn't make sense to you. You're just like, okay, well, I was I cared, I just didn't have time, right? So it's coming from a different angle. So again, back to there's work to be done, right? Because if I think every time I don't get a text from you, and it's not you necessarily, but it's just the inconsistency, that that's gonna result in my mind, those wounds way down in my, you know, in my core, thinking that I'm gonna be rejected or I'm gonna be kicked to the cur. You know, I'm not gonna be.
SPEAKER_02But that's it's not gonna be the first thing I think of. If I don't get a text from somebody or if I didn't hear from you, the first thing I'm gonna, I'm not gonna think of nothing negative. And that's just maybe just me.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's you. You know what I mean? Because I'm an anxious human.
SPEAKER_02Right. I'm not. And it's kind of like, you know, I don't, and I guess that's probably why, you know, it could be a little difficult for me to understand, yeah, is because I don't feel that way when, you know, if somebody don't text me or something like that or whatever, or I feel like I hear have to hear from them, you know, I just don't have because I have other things in my mind going on throughout the day to the point where, yeah, no, once we get to a point where I can where I where I'm chill or whatever, and I do hear from them, yeah, it's nice, it's lovely. I love it, it's cool. But if I don't, it's not like it's still nice. It's lovely. Um because I know I'm gonna see that person later. You know what I'm saying? Or are we gonna make a plan to to you know to meet up or you know, something's gonna happen. It ain't like that, you know, that person is, you know, uh being ignored forever, you know, or for days, or anything like that. It's just that maybe I don't uh uh feel any kind of bad emotions behind it. And even though they do, and it makes me work harder because I like that person, and I want them to feel not feel bad, and I gotta feel like it's a job, though. I don't want to make it feel like it's a job. I wanted to always make it feel like it's natural. You know what I mean? I don't want to feel like it's forced and just because. You understand where I'm coming from?
SPEAKER_01So let me ask you are there things that you do when you're in a relationship that maybe you don't love doing, but you do them because the person that you care about really okay.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01This is one of those things.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01This is just one of those.
SPEAKER_02So if you if you think of it as a job, it's gonna feel like But not to a point, not to the point where where it's gonna upset me. You know what I mean? And that's the difference. It's it's kind of like I'm and I don't know if I'm just that that laid back to where it's kind of like maybe it could be my upbringing or whatever, too, to the point where it's not that serious to me uh uh if it doesn't go exactly my way. You know? Yeah. I might not like it, I might be, I might be uh uh uh frustrated, you know, but me, I'm of I'm I'm I I look for other routes, other ways to doing things or whatever the case may be, if it doesn't go my way. Yes, you know what I mean.
SPEAKER_01And I'm gonna tell you from you know my experience working with one-on-ones, working with couples nobody wants to feel anxious. We're not we're not choosing they're not choosing to have those underlying um wounds of that get triggered by inconsistency. Like nobody wants that, right? So but it's also kind of until they do the work, it's out of it's kind of out of their control. It's almost like something takes over.
SPEAKER_02You know what that what we used to call that? I'm scared. No, I mean I'm just saying when we were younger, we just we used to, at least in growing up, whatever, we used to call it just needy. People are are very needy about, you know, there's there's certain people that need attention in order to feel a certain way, or certain people that that need uh uh uh uh confirmation of of uh compliments or you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. In order to feel a certain way, you know? Yeah. And if they're not getting that, then they feel like that other person doesn't care or yeah, and I uh yes and you know my yes and and my yes and um yes, and I think you know, um you're way older than me for starters.
SPEAKER_01No, I'm not.
SPEAKER_02I yeah. I'm only 10, I'm only 10 years younger than you. What are you talking about?
SPEAKER_01What are you talking? What are you talking about? He said she said okay. All right, so in our growing up times, right, right, um, we didn't know as much as we do now around what's underneath that needy gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. So it presented like as uh they're just kind of a pain in the tuckus because they need all these things.
SPEAKER_00True, true, right, right.
SPEAKER_01And now we understand that it's something much deeper. Um and maybe can be a little bit more open to the possibility that they don't want to be that way.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01Right?
SPEAKER_02That it's it's they're that way. But if it's causing confliction with the person that you're with, you know, those are the things we need to know as far as like the exercise or whatever need to take to do to you know what I mean.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I mean, this is why we talk about these things, right? So that there's awareness of you've got a couple of choices. You can be like, I'm not dealing with somebody who who's that needy, right? I'm just not doing it. Or maybe there's something underneath it and maybe there is room for growth on both parts um so that we can find a way to make this work. Really kind of the couple choices, right?
SPEAKER_02Gotcha, gotcha. Uh in be love, and be love, and be love, and be love. What's up, what's up, what's up? She said integrity is about whether uh you behave and live on moral principles and honesty. Act that honor, no matter what. It is not just the relationship, but overall in life.
SPEAKER_01Agreed, not just relationship, yes.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and that's that's that's what I was kind of too. I was like, not just this, you know, we're not just talking about in relationships, we're talking about overall. Yes, you know what I mean.
SPEAKER_00So yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02The the uh comment there, be love and be love, appreciate you, appreciate you.
Humor That Builds Connection
SPEAKER_01I like the name.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, what's the all right?
SPEAKER_01My next one, number four for me, is having a sense of humor.
SPEAKER_02Oh, that's me all day. I don't know. So I don't know. It is you all day, all day, all day.
SPEAKER_01I got a sense of it's important for me, and I don't but everybody don't have senses, but not everybody has a sense of humor, and and I I I look at it kind of two ways. One, I want to be able to laugh and feel light and feel silly and you know, be able to be goofy or whatever. Um, and I want the person, if I'm telling a joke or saying something that I think is funny, um I want that per, even if they don't think it's funny, to kind of be engaged so that I so that they're not, they're not eye-rolling like, oh my god, there she goes with a stupid joke again. Or, you know, the it's like you don't have to think the joke is funny to be with me in my bid for um connection by me trying to be funny. Right. So I don't have to actually be funny. What I'm doing by doing that is I'm saying, hey, I want to kind of connect with you, right? I'm saying something that I think is funny, maybe you don't. Um, and if you I roll or you or you're like that's ridiculous, or something like that, that does not feel like we are connected. Connected, right? It feels like you think I'm something else.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Oh, all right, all right. So where would you go when it comes to humor? Um of course everyone has a different um idea of ideal of what's yeah, of humor.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02You know, and my humor might not be your humor.
SPEAKER_03Oh, for sure.
SPEAKER_02And your humor could be more insulting than what my, you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_03Yes.
SPEAKER_02It's kind of like, and and sometimes, you know, like people will say things or whatever and say, oh, I was just joking. It was just funny. It was like, you know, no, but to me it wasn't. Yes, you know, yeah. So how do you learn, especially if you're with somebody, if you learn, yeah, you know, like I can okay, okay, all right. Let me see. How I'm trying to I'm trying to put this in the right.
SPEAKER_01How can you Do you want to give an example? Will that help?
SPEAKER_02Okay, all right, all right. Without this, without uh I don't put any names out there.
SPEAKER_01We're gonna protect the innocent or guilty, whatever.
SPEAKER_02I don't know all right, yeah, yeah. I don't put any names out there unless you know she wants me to later or something like that. But we went out last night, right? And she says the funniest thing I probably you know, and it was it was it was almost like it was like that's my type of humor type of thing. As opposed to sometimes you might have said something, it's kind of like, oh okay, it ain't all that funny, but you know, but okay. All right, so we went we went to a jazz, you know, uh deal last night, and um uh it was it was uh uh Jeff Goldberg. Goldberg. It was Jeff Goldberg. And his wife, you know, she's real thin and she was dance, she's like a ballerino, you know, but she does the uh arrow, what you call that stuff, those dances.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, like the circus those things.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, like one of those things with the ribbons and all that type of stuff, whatever. But she's you know, and she's real limber and she's doing these positions on the top of the tight on the top of the piano.
SPEAKER_00Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_02I don't know why she won't be saying her name. But anyway, so young lady I was with, you know who you are.
SPEAKER_01She said I hope she knows that she was there.
SPEAKER_02She said, I'm gonna put my piano top down. We're gonna practice. And it was the way she said it or whatever, because I guess because I was filming it or whatever, you know, and everybody was like, oh, and clapping and all this stuff or whatever. I guess she thought that I said, I got a piano.
unknownOh my god.
SPEAKER_02So it was just funny, it's kind of like, but one, I can't play a piano, and then two, she can't do those talk. And it was just going through my head on that, and it was just so funny though. You know what I'm saying? So it was, it was it was good to see someone on the same humor, you know. Uh uh I mean it but it was like for I don't know if it was it was I don't think it was intentional for her, how she knew how funny it was to me or whatever until I started cracking up about it or whatever, but it was just type my type of humor, you know what I mean? It was it was funny. It was just funny being or or hearing something that's not really trying to be funny, but was funny as hell, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. So yeah.
SPEAKER_01So I think, yes, that's funny. That is funny, especially when people don't even know they're really that funny. Yeah, so um okay, so two things. One is I think we do have to have at least um i not exactly the same same sense of humor, but to your point, you know, I I don't want to feel offended, and I don't think the humor should be about each other, right?
SPEAKER_02I shouldn't be saying well, yeah, no, the jokes should be about towards each other about them. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01That's kind of like you know, but if you are like 5,000 miles away on your humor factor, then you might not be having the same amount of fun together, right? Because it's just whatever. But even if we're a little off, I you don't have to laugh at my jokes, but don't laugh at me.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_01That's different, right? Right, right, right, right, right. Right, right, right. Right? Like it's because that laughing at me makes me feel right rejected. Right, right, or any number of other things. Right. I don't like that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Okay.
SPEAKER_01I don't think that's good for us.
SPEAKER_02Um, I think another thing is is is sometimes when you're with somebody for a certain amount of time, it kind of rubs off to him.
SPEAKER_01They start to learn.
SPEAKER_02My best friends, my best friends and their wives, trust me, it's kind of like they're like like two peas in a pod or whatever when it comes to joking. When we we're together and we're talking about something or whatever, and uh my friend Eric, he could be saying, you know, uh joke about one thing or whatever, and then she'll just come right on it too, and it just be so hilarious or whatever. And it's because they've been together so long, it's kind of like they can play off each other and stuff like that, you know. So that's you know, humor within within a relationship or within a couple to me. Yeah, you know what I'm saying, to be able to, you know, laugh off each other or or you know, joke off of something or whatever, and the other person is kind of like, y'all stupid, you know, y'all, you know, where y'all get that from, or how y'all come, you know what I mean, that type of thing or whatever. That's good humor.
SPEAKER_01Yes for me. And it feels light, yeah. Right? So that lightness, that fun, that that, you know, even if it really wasn't that funny, but you know, you're just like oh my god.
SPEAKER_02They crack each other up.
SPEAKER_01Right, right, right, right, right. They crack each other up. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay, got anything to say about that? Do you agree or disagree?
SPEAKER_02Uh no, but when it comes to humor, I I I I I agree. You know what I mean? I mean, I I I I uh agree that you shouldn't, for one, it shouldn't be about you and the other person. It's just basically your your humor about certain things or whatever is funny to you. It's not funny, you know. Now, I have been with people where, you know, it's funny to them, and I just be like, mm-hmm, you know, but not really, it's not really that funny. You know, I'm talking about even like uh um uh people at work, you know, your work, you know, uh um call them.
SPEAKER_01Your colleagues, your colleagues.
SPEAKER_02Colleagues, yeah, your colleagues at work. Um they might joke about something or whatever, or they're thinking they're real funny. And I'm just kind of like, yeah, it's not it's not even funny, like, you know, and then you have some that's laughing, he ha highing or whatever because they're trying to, you know, kiss ass basis for lack of a better word, you know, kiss ass, whatever they lack, you know what I mean? And you could be offending somebody. Right, you know what I mean? And the other person over here laughing or whatever, but that person might be offended by what you just said, you know. Like you can't come every uh uh come with me with every like little black humor, you know what I'm saying, and joke and think that I'm gonna be okay with it or whatever because I'm black, you know what I mean? And I can't do the same thing either, just because you're white. I can't think that, oh, whatever I say is gonna be funny to you, you know what I mean? Um so it is it's a difference, it's a difference. what I'm saying. It's a difference in especially in in a relationship. I think it's a difference in you know colleagues at work type of thing or friends, you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_01So yeah.
SPEAKER_02You know. Oh agreed.
SPEAKER_01Agreed. Agreed.
SPEAKER_02How many agrees how many agrees I get?
SPEAKER_01I think maybe I don't know.
SPEAKER_02Three. I think I'm three four.
SPEAKER_01Two and a half maybe.
SPEAKER_02No, I think I'm three of three of them.
SPEAKER_01And I think the piece of it that's well to me is really important is the ability to um feel like you can be silly. Right? That it can be you can be light. You can be goofy you can be playful that it doesn't have to be serious all the time. Like everything has to be so serious.
SPEAKER_02So what what about what about aggressive humor? Elaborate tell me more aggressive humor. Um trying too hard you know what I mean to to be funny but it's not funny and it's not insulting it's just not funny. And if you're not laughing at their joke then they feel offended because you're not laughing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Okay. So this kind of goes back to well first of all are you know how compatible are we right? But again can you support that person? Can you not think their joke is funny and still support the fact that they think it's funny. It makes sense. You know what I mean? Like can you can you have their can you be light and and and um playful with them even though you think that wasn't a funny joke. And if the answer is no if you're like this is ridiculous this person's ridiculous why am I like you know this is ever then that's probably not a great long term match right you can't just be like I don't think your jokes are funny but I I still you know I still love you and I still whatever.
SPEAKER_02So it's kind of different right you don't have to we don't have to have the same sense of humor exactly and you can still be there to be supportive of them and so you say you're saying that that I I think I'm disagree a little bit I think you have to I have I think you have to be on the same uh page when it comes to humor. I think you have to be I think you have to you know I mean laughter within the the the relationship and everything I think is is healthy. So if you kind of like if you're getting you know it's just like on medicine if you're not getting the right medicine you're not going to be it's not going to be as healthy. You know what I mean? You're not getting that that that that that humor that heals you that laughter within the relationship that heals you or whatever because that person either you're at odds on what really is funny and what's not so I disagree.
SPEAKER_01Ah good okay and I have a cap I have another little piece that I want to want to say here is that sometimes humor is used to avoid having difficult conversations.
SPEAKER_02Well that's but then yeah that's that's within having a a conversation that is difficult or not or whatever and somebody use it as an out that's a whole different thing though. Correct you know what I mean so if I'm if I if we're talking serious about something and I'm laughing it off and then making a little joke about it that means that I'm not really in tone whatever that we're talking about or whatever and I'm ignoring you know to basically go on to something else.
SPEAKER_01You know so yes and so that that that piece of humor right is the flip side right is that I don't I don't want the humor. I don't think the humor's healthy as used as a tool to not be vulnerable. Right about what's you shouldn't you shouldn't use that as a tool to be people do right I mean people do they they don't want to talk about the big stuff the important stuff the serious stuff the Yeah but I'm type person too is kind of like that shit ain't funny.
SPEAKER_02We're talking about this we talked about that and what the hell are you talking about and why you think it's funny. You know what I mean? That type of thing that's the conversation I would probably end up having with somebody you know what I mean if I'm you know in a disagreement or whatever. You know I'm not gonna let them joke about and just blow off and then walk away.
SPEAKER_01Right. So if that were to happen on you know a regular basis that's probably not somebody you're gonna be with for long term right because exactly they don't want to let their guard down and have a real conversation. They want to use humor to get out of having a real conversation or to be
Kindness Versus Politeness
SPEAKER_01whatever. Okay. Yeah yeah I got you good job good job good job okay my next one on my list is kindness um and I think it's pretty underrated because you know I'm not talking about being polite I'm talking about your partner being genuinely a kind human not pretending to be a kind human right but genuinely being a kind human um how do you detect that they're not so genuinely kind yeah go ahead yeah I I think um you know I'm gonna go back to the waiter test because I really like the waiter test. Like you're out to a dinner right and somebody is down talking to the waiter or it's talking changing their tone of how they talk to them or you know something that makes them feel a little bit more superior or whatever and they're just not being kind you you can tell right that it's not their behavior switches situationally and there's just not this underlying um feeling that they just show up kind all the time they're nice to the waiter they're nice to the the guy that unlocks the door they're nice to the doctor they're nice to me they're nice to the guy at the grocery store um that there's inconsistency with that I think is give is a clue that you're not genuinely kind that you are situationally kind okay okay no I'm just trying to I mean sometimes I mean I I I I I try to think of certain experiences I might have or whatever to you know know that somebody is not really a kind person at all.
SPEAKER_02And my experience is more so say for a you know I I sell cars so I I pick up people's personality quick. I can tell if you're anxious I can tell if you're kind I can tell you know just by your demeanor and the way you come and and you know approach me or whatever about a car you know I can tell if you're just a butthole and you just kind of like you know feel like I just owe you everything before you even you know open your mouth I mean before I even open my mouth or whatever. So when it comes to to just being naturally kind or whatever, it's something I think that that you should be able to pick up with without it being phony. Now when you're talking about within a relationship yes you already know when somebody's been suntimey you know what I'm saying when somebody is kind of like you know cool this moment and you know an asshole the next moment type of thing or whatever. Yeah but you also know when when someone you know doesn't mean that they're not kind if they get mad or frustrated at times. No of course they could still be a kind yeah but but on the on the whole front throughout the relationship you should spend you 80% of it should be kindness. 90% of it probably should be kindness of someone if you want to know if they're really kind enough. You know if that makes sense. Yeah you know what I mean um like I can be kind or whatever uh 50% of the time and next other time I'm I'm an asshole.
SPEAKER_01You're like what the f is wrong you know what I mean right right and you know and you're gonna be like the able to tell so there's a pattern of there's a there's a pattern that you can see of unkindness right there's there's so you said something brilliant you said something brilliant I always do I don't know why you be playing and she she know I be brilliant enough and it it was sometimes I'm gonna be frustrated or sometimes I'm gonna be mad or whatever. Yes a hundred percent and that's different because you should you know if somebody's done you wrong or you got you know you need to take care of something that that went astray and you know it crop causes frustration great but we can still be underlying under that kind right as opposed to your point of you know I'm an a-hole sometimes and I'm I'm nice on the surface sometimes right so um now sometimes people can be kind and can trick you as being so kind or whatever in order to manipulate you into getting what they want.
SPEAKER_02Yes and then you find out later like where the hell this comes from you know what I mean? This person ain't as kind as you know say for instance you're you're uh um with someone for I mean okay I'm I don't want to always use it in relationships because I want to use it just in the whole general you know aspect. So say for instance like at work or whatever, you know, people are extra nice and extra kind and and then when you go in there and you put this bill down there, oh shit it's not, you know what I mean? And then the real thing come out. You know what I mean? They the real personality come out like you know well or or either they'll they'll have in your mind especially as a as a car salesman they have or as a customer they have in their mind a car salesman is out to get them you know what I'm saying but they're starting off like real kind and you know well this is what I want and this is what I want and this you know I know the car costs this much and this and whatever and I mean you know what I'm saying does that fall in the same yes and I would call that polite versus kind. They're being polite that's a difference.
SPEAKER_01Right? They're and polite to me.
SPEAKER_02Or being a kind I mean no but do you I mean they've been polite or being kind at the beginning and then you see that they're actually butthole kind because kind to me is um a a behavior you have all the time okay right if you're being polite it's situational right like put on like a little coat and be like oh I really like your shirt fuel like what can you get me a deal on this car?
SPEAKER_01You know and then once you say no I'm not polite anymore. Right right right right gotcha gotcha gotcha gotcha okay okay so that's what I got for that all right the next one I have is trust um and I look at trust a little bit differently than just um from the level of
Trust And Protecting Vulnerability
SPEAKER_01loyalty I look at it more from can I trust in that you are who you say you are can I trust that I can be who I actually am and not have to you know be polite or put on a show or act a certain way.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01Um and that you're not going to use my vulnerability and knowing who I am against me at some point. You know like oh you found I tell you something in in you know um that maybe I wouldn't tell somebody else right right and then you use it against me. Oh yeah right that is yeah to me a a big untrust right like I think I might experience something like that when I was younger.
SPEAKER_02Uh yeah I probably like you know and then they used it against me when I you know when we got into it or whatever and and it was more towards the breakup when they actually brought it up you know what I mean um and it's just like it's just like when someone you know you're trusting someone to uh tell them certain things about your childhood or whatever you know and what you may have did or the mistakes that you might have made or whatever but then when you break up with that person that's why when you were such a such a you know you did it or whatever because you don't deserve you know that is yeah right or when they're trying to win an a disagreement or when they want to get something that yes so this is a big one because um for a lot of insecure attachment styles being vulnerable to to speak there you know what's really happening for you your truth or whatever is a big deal and if I don't feel like I can trust you with telling you who I really am or what's really on my heart this is a no go for us.
SPEAKER_01Right right this is a no-go so versus being loyal right loyal is one thing but but can I be vulnerable with you and trust that you're not going to use it to hurt me. Right right right now what if what if that that trust is more than one can handle oh tell me more I don't I don't know more I'd just be kind of coming up with some more no I'm just I'm just kind of like I I I think of what maybe other people would think you know what if it's more than what uh someone else can handle you mean if I'm telling you something about myself that is I'm being vulnerable and then you're hearing this information and you're like oh yeah no I can't be with you because you told me something that was well not even that I mean you can you can somebody can tell you about them and you can trust them and and all that or whatever and at the moment you can think okay that's cool I can handle that that's no you know no big deal but then throughout the the relationship as times go by it may you know do something may happen or whatever that triggers that you know story or whatever that that person told you and it causes more so a argument or a heated discussion or whatever to where you get to a point where okay I thought I could handle this but oh hell no I don't think I can you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah yeah but you know and then others and other and then then in hindsight too I mean if you really cared about that person I guess you would be able to handle it. Maybe I mean right maybe because it it we kind of go back to um just because one of us is being vulnerable doesn't mean it's vulnerable both ways. And so it's possible later on that you know you're saying you can handle it but there's something in there there's something deep down a little you know grain of sand that's rubbing, rubbing rubbing and you just kind of ignore it and push it down because you're like oh they've got so many great qualities and maybe that sand starts getting to be a little bit irritating and you can't take it anymore. Right.
SPEAKER_02So so it's yeah but sometimes people do things just out of you know they want to to just to get what they want out of the relationship.
SPEAKER_01You know say for instance you know if I got my kids you know I got you know I had two kids uh and um the person that I'm with don't have kids and they didn't have kids or whatever and but they're like oh you know I'm telling them the drama or whatever that's going on with my baby mama all this stuff although I have no baby mama drama in my life so you know anyway but uh even though you know you're telling that story or whatever and she's like oh okay okay you know I ain't trip you know what I mean that's that's you know I I'm supportive of you I trust you I'm you know and then because she's more so trying to say for instance um be with someone or or or you know financially to help out or whatever okay and now she trusted it right she trusted him or whatever and now he's there and and now months later maybe even a year later here comes the drama with the kids with the mama or whatever right and then they get into the whole argument because of that or whatever right and then even though the stuff that he told her deeply out of you know and now he sees it's not working with her and he's ready to leave now she's ready to talk and tell his
Shared Life Vision And Core Values
SPEAKER_01shit or or put it back on him you know that's why that's why you don't have that's why you and your baby mama's rhymes because you know you you did it you know I mean so I would say this um that probably isn't the first sign that you got that they're they're trusting that you know that you couldn't trust them fully right probably isn't the first sign right you may choose to ignore them but right there's probably been some other little things that you're like it should have right right yeah yeah yeah yeah so there you go story I'm sticking to it story and is that it what we got we got more I got two three more oh man we almost out of time okay go ahead yeah quit talking just agree with me and then we'll be through this like it's if I disagree we'd really be here for a long time I said just ugly agree oh no no no okay next one for me is a shared life vision so um this I think we've talked about this a little bit before but you know having the same values having the same ideas of where you want your life to go and what that looks like um and I don't think we talk about it early enough on right we're in that like oh I really like him or I really like her and this is so cool and they're so cool and this we're having so much fun and we're laughing and we're doing all the things and we don't talk about like what does it look like later um and this could be kids no kids where do you want to live I want to live in the suburbs I want to live out in the country um you know or the city or you know whatever whatever it might be um and your values right what are you what's valuable to you and so if we you know if we don't talk about that early on and we're just chugging along and then all of a sudden you know I'm like hey I'd like to have a little one or two and you're like yeah that's a hard no we're not in alignment right this is not gonna we don't have a shared life it's some things we're not gonna agree on like maybe I want to live you know in the city not I don't but maybe I want to live in the city and you know you want to have a farm we could probably find some compromise there but big things like kids no kids you know religion no religion um just serious money things like financial situations like how do we think we should spend money is a big one I think those conversations need to have or have need to happen earlier true than than later about you know what our thoughts are on travel and finances and kids and all the you know family but sometimes too you I mean you have people that that um is that an in an agreement at the beginning and not being true to themselves or what they really want.
SPEAKER_02And when I say that I mean say for instance um I remember I was dating someone and and she had you know her thing was real um more of the uh what do you call ranch house flat more you know her decor was more of a to me a country type of vibe or whatever and at first I wouldn't have been true to myself because I already knew I'm more of a uh what do you call it um designer you know I'm more into like modern modern stuff you know what I mean and um but I was going to accept because I liked her you know and I think it and and and I guess having that acceptance or whatever you know um does that make me really untrue to her in a relationship or you know or is it something that may not even last long because deep bed you know inside I don't really want to be there.
Acceptance Versus Tolerance Over Time
SPEAKER_01Yeah in that particular Okay did you were you reading my notes?
SPEAKER_02No.
SPEAKER_01Okay because you just segue to the next one that I'm gonna talk about which is Knowing the things that you can accept and live with, and knowing the things that you can't, right? Because we're you're not gonna get a hundred percent perfect package, sorry, unless you're you know, unless it's you, right? Like of course me. I mean, then, yeah, that's a hundred percent perfect package. I mean other than that, it's not gonna be a perfect package, right? So, what can you tolerate? Um, or what like what's tolerance look like for to you versus acceptance, right? Because, you know, can you tolerate that the person doesn't put the laundry in the laundry basket and just drops it on the floor? Maybe, maybe not, right? So if you're gritting your teeth every time and you're it's you know, like that's probably more than just being able to accept that. True. Right. So in that scenario, the country ranch house, you know, did it feel more like something that you would be able to accept? Or you were just like, no, there's no way I can't live with, you know, cows on the wall and well, that's that's the thing.
SPEAKER_02You know, sometimes if you liken somebody, you you may be trying to accept it for whatever reason to, you know, to be together. And as time goes on or whatever, no telling what you know, what could trigger it as far as the the certain conversation, you know, uh uh another ugly ass picture put up or you know, a horseshoe putting on, I don't know, poop boots, or no, I don't know, you know what I'm saying? Something can trigger to where you'd be like, oh hell no. And y'all could have been together for a couple of years.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02You know what I mean? Yeah, and you kind of like, oh hell no. You know, and that's one because you never was being true to yourself. You know, so when we talk about all these things or whatever, and sometimes people, you know, you know, we want to put blame on the person that we're with, you know, and say, oh, they just don't accept this or they just don't end up. When actually really it's something within themselves, it's something with me. You know what I mean? As as we talked about all the stuff we talked about today, or whatever, you know, sometimes we have to look within ourselves or whatever that's causing the trigger, and how can we fix that, you know? Because these are one of the two things. You're gonna either be able to fix it and move on and and grow, or you're gonna end up get so frustrated and escalating to the argument, you're breaking up anyway.
SPEAKER_01Yes, 100%.
SPEAKER_02You know, right. So with all with the saying and the agreeing and the disagreeing or whatever that we may have about it or whatever, it's still self-infliction of what's going on with you. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I want to leave it there. All right, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Which kind of goes back to point number one, right? Your emotional self-awareness. Like, what is really doing to me? What is this person, the situation, this cow picture on the wall? Like, what is it really doing to me? Right. Um, am I aware enough to recognize that this is something that you can fix or not? Something I can't work on. Exactly. Right? So good job.
SPEAKER_00I think we can end it on that one, though.
Staying United When Life Hits Hard
SPEAKER_03Is that it? Is that it?
SPEAKER_01We got one more.
SPEAKER_02Stop clapping, yeah.
SPEAKER_01We gotta you, I was clapping for you again again. This is this, this is this is just something that and you won't know until you've faced this, but I think can you be united in when hardship hits? Because we we don't get to go through life just like you know, there's gonna be ups and there's gonna be downs for sure. You know, we're gonna lose people, there's gonna be grief, there's gonna be loss of jobs, there's gonna be whatever, breakdowns or or or whatever. Is that person going to be by your side supporting you? Or are they going to be like it's kind of a you problem? Right? Not necessarily saying that, but not supporting you in the way that you feel like I've got somebody's got my back.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_01Um, and you again, that's not something you really a hundred percent can know until you hit one of those big things. Exactly. Right. Um, but when you do, and you will, if they are not there for you, that's probably not a relationship you can continue on with because there's gonna be more. Right. Right? There's gonna be more as we pass through.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01So and that's my nine.
SPEAKER_02That's it. Uh I thought you had a question behind it or something.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, what do you think?
SPEAKER_02No.
unknownNever mind.
SPEAKER_01Oh my god.
SPEAKER_02Never mind, never mind, never mind. Uh well, actually what I think. Yeah, I I I I do feel like, you know, when it comes to the hardship of the relationship and stuff like that or whatever, that's kind of like when you f how you find out if you are actually really, you know, in it. You know, if y'all both are really in it, you know, you kind of like, you know, figure out what is it that you can do to make that other person feel like we're gonna be okay.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_02You know what I'm saying? And if that person is more so ignoring the situation as opposed to trying to discuss and find out what's wrong or what we can do, or, you know, or come kind of or even trying to come with some solution, you know. Meaning if they don't do that, then they're not in it for the for the win, any, I mean for the end anyway. You know, to the end anyway. You know what I'm saying? It's kind of like if someone, you know, is complaining about something and and you ignored it. You know, and it's kind of like, well, that's your thing. I don't got nothing to do with that. You know, as opposed to giving a solution, an idea, or something that may be, you know, able to help, you know, without being offended by it, you know, because it's you know, because someone's telling you, then uh uh that's a means of growth for the relationship to me. You know, it's a means to growth with that, with that, you know, that relationship. So I like I say, if if if if that person is is ignoring it, yeah. You're pretty much in it by yourself.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you're in it by yourself.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And you can see little clues, I think you until there's something big that hits, you're not gonna know how somebody's gonna handle something big. But you know, how do they handle a bad day? How do they handle a fight with a friend? How do they handle, you know, conflict, how do they handle disappointment? Um, those are those are previews, right? Right, into how they most likely are gonna handle something even bigger.
SPEAKER_03Bigger, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_03So cool.
SPEAKER_02All right, all right, all right.
unknownWe made it. They made it through.
SPEAKER_02That's what's up, that's what's up. That's what's gonna do it for us
How To Connect After The Show
SPEAKER_02today. We appreciate you guys tapping in. Don't forget, if you like the conversation, uh share this, uh subscribe, like, all that good stuff. Comment, go ahead and still hit the comments or whatever, and we'll we'll we'll respond. We'll respond to your comments even after the live shows and stuff. So, you know, if that's something that you want to ask us or questions, you can also hit us in firedupbroadcasting at gmail.com, you know, and say, for instance, a talk topic that you want us to talk about, hit us in the email at firedupbroadcasting at gmail.com. That's gonna do it for us today. Um, and I as we always say, remember, if they talking about you behind your back, they behind you for a reason. Peace.
