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REASONS! ON FIREDUPTHURSDAYS
Most Relationship Arguments Are Really About Needs
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We pick up part two of “It’s Never About The Dishes” and get honest about why small arguments keep coming back. We share simple tools that help us name the real need underneath the trigger so conflict turns into connection instead of another blowup.
• Recap of the hidden needs under “small” fights: respect, value, fairness, emotional safety, being seen and known
• Tool one: naming the real issue in the moment, especially when it feels risky
• How anxious attachment and nervous system fear can block honesty
• Why partners are not mind readers and why needs still must be said out loud
• Tool two: nonviolent communication with observation, feeling, need, and specific request
• The difference between feelings and thoughts that sound like feelings
• Why repeated arguments can mean unmet needs, unclear asks, or poor landing
• Chores, emotional labor, and the mental load as sources of resentment
• When “refusing to argue” is maturity versus emotional avoidance
• Conflict versus shouting, flooding, and taking space to regulate
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Welcome And Part Two Setup
SPEAKER_00We're gonna go right into it. You ready to go right into it?
SPEAKER_01Ready.
SPEAKER_00We're about to go right into it. We're live now.
SPEAKER_01Ready, ready.
SPEAKER_00Hit that subscribe button. Come in and join the conversation, y'all. It's reason because we're about to get it on and popping in just a few minutes. All right. We're going to get right into the conversation. I ain't got time to play with y'all today because I got a lot of questions for Dr. Dr. G uh Dr. G. A lot of questions. I got a lot of questions, all right? All right. So we are going to get into this and everything. How's it going?
SPEAKER_01How's it going? Dr. Doing. It's going. What's up?
SPEAKER_00What's up? Everything good?
SPEAKER_01Is happy Thursday.
SPEAKER_00Happy Thursday?
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00It's fire Thursday. Fire. It's fire Thursday. I dressed for the case.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you got the fire. We got the fire open.
SPEAKER_00That's what's up.
SPEAKER_01I'm blending with the uh the room.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that's what's up. That's what's up. So uh welcome to Reason, you guys. We're talking, we're recapping also on what we talked about. This is part two of uh what is our part two? It is never about the ditches. Yeah. It's never about the dishes. That's what it is. It's part two of never about the ditches. If you guys seen uh episode uh before, one before this past last one, uh two weeks ago, then um I had the camera on you talking. Anyway, uh I'm good at this.
SPEAKER_02You're so good at this job. You're so good at this job. I love it.
SPEAKER_00Uh but yeah, we we got it was so much, it was so much for that uh conversation that we had to do a part two. So we guys, we got I got questions. I got a bunch of questions for Dr. G today. So I'd be a part three. Yeah, it might be it might be a part three. Uh but these questions I want you guys to come in and tap in on too as well, you know what I mean? Because I need to I need to know the real, you know what I'm saying? We can we can get the educated version, but let's get some of the street version as well. Did that make sense?
SPEAKER_01That makes sense.
unknownSo good. So good.
SPEAKER_00All right, so you want to recap on what we talked about last week or a couple weeks ago.
Why It Is Never About Dishes
SPEAKER_01So let's do a quick recap. So um two weeks ago, we had a very colorful conversation around um what's really beneath the, and we we really were talking about a cup that didn't get pushed away or put away, but really it could be anything, right? You you're not responding in a certain period of time, or you're not saying it could be anything that that really is kind of a trigger for somebody, right? Um, and so we talked about that it's not about the cup, it's not about the dishes, not about the cup. It's what's underneath it. Um, you know, I should ask Fuel if he remembers what the four things are, but uh no, no, you already know not that is he gonna ask me like 12,000 questions, and I think it's only fair, right? Um, so what's really beneath that, the real needs are one was respect. Somebody doesn't feel respected, right? They don't feel valued, they don't feel like things are fair and equitable, and their emotional safety is not there. Really kind of five things this is a slash. Um, and they're not being truly seen and known. So that so it's not about the cup, it's not about the cup, but you can't see it, but okay, there's a cup here. Here, it's not about the cup.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um, it's about the what's underneath, right? Oh, so did I even get close? No, no, okay, never mind. I'm putting the cup over here where it doesn't belong, right?
SPEAKER_02So good.
SPEAKER_01Yes. So this week, um, if fuel will allow it, we're gonna talk about four kind of tools that we can use. What what is the face?
SPEAKER_00What you say allow it, like yeah, because you got like 7,000 questions.
SPEAKER_01So what you know, you might not let it get. I mean, you might be like, we're not talking about that at all.
SPEAKER_00We're talking about okay.
SPEAKER_01I'll give you the and if not, we're gonna do a part three. Right.
SPEAKER_02It's okay.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's all good.
SPEAKER_02It's all good.
SPEAKER_01Um, so that's kind of the goal today is to just give some tools around what do you what can you do if you're irritated by the cup, right? Knowing that it's not really about the cup. So tell me, fuel, as you're trying to get all organized over there. See, I like to get him when it's like when you go to the restaurant and your mouth is full and the waitress is like, how's everything? It's good, right? I like to get him in those moments. He's busy busy doing all the things. I got you. So after our conversation two weeks ago, because you've had two weeks to like kind of notice, right? Um, has anything kind of percolated or you know, been like, wow, yeah, I feel I see it differently now that from what we before than before the cup, you know, the cup, the dishes conversation. Has anything kind of shifted for you or personally?
SPEAKER_00Just anything shifted personally for me?
SPEAKER_01Not he wants to say no.
SPEAKER_00No, no, no, I'm no no no, I don't want to say no. I don't I I I how can I put it? I am I'm more patient, you know what I mean, with a with a conversation. Um more patient with uh uh the time, you know. Um like any like if it's an argument or if it begins to be an argument, I'm kind of more patient to kind of like step back a little bit, you know, think about what we're gonna talk about, you know. Um, but I haven't had any, you know, no sit no no real situations though, right now. You know what I'm saying? It's not really nothing.
SPEAKER_01No, I mean that's fine, but just the awareness, right?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, then yeah, I have yes, I've learned the awareness.
SPEAKER_01You're like, well, maybe it's not about the dishes, right? Right, right.
SPEAKER_00You know what I'm saying? It's kind of like, yeah, it's not about that. And that's the other thing, that's the whole thing about this, that is it's it's not about the small things, it's a it's a bigger or deeper thing that's going on in order for you guys to start communicating and and uh uh talking to each other, you know, and finding out the root of the problem as opposed to you know what's on the surface right there.
SPEAKER_01Surface counter.
SPEAKER_00Surface counter. What's on the counter? Are we using okay, okay, okay? I thought you were like, you know. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_01It's Thursday. If we did this on Monday, I feel like we might not be so goofy. Like, you know.
SPEAKER_00Oh, we I think we'd be goofy either way. Either way, either way.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Did you want to hit me with a question or should we start with tool number one?
SPEAKER_00Uh let's let's start with tool one before because I want to see what tool one is before I get into these questions. Yeah, I wonder. All right, yeah, all right, okay.
Tool One Name The Real Issue
SPEAKER_01So tool number one is naming it. So a lot of times if you've heard Shuel and I having conversations, he'll say, but in in real time, in the moment, like what do I do in the moment? Like when it's all when it's heated, right?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um, and that's a great question because when you know, when you know, let's say it's me, I know it's not about the cup, right? Right. But uh for whatever reason I'm not feeling safe enough to tell you that like it's something deeper, right? Um, you know, the conversation is going nowhere, right? We're gonna talk about the dishes 27,000 times over and not get to what you're talking about is the root, right? And when we're in the heat of that, one of the things that, and it has to be the person who who has the underlying issue, right? Because we can't, I can't be arguing with you about the cup and you're thinking it's actually the cup, it's actually the dishes, right? You can't do this part. I have to do this part, right? Right. And the part is naming what's actually happening, right? So this is probably the hardest one of the tools that we're gonna talk about because depending on going back to attachment styles, depending on your attachment style, especially if you're an anxiously attached, it doesn't feel safe to tell you what's really going on. So, you know, this is this takes a lot of bravery, right? Right. Um, so it's simple, but it's also probably the hardest. And how do we do it? So it it looks like you know, we're talking about the dishes, and I'm saying they're always in the sink, and you're, you know, like, no, they're not. I did one, you know, I did one cup last week and I put it away. You just didn't notice whatever. So the onus is on me, because this is really my whatever it is for me, if I feel like it's not being, you know, if it's not the fairness or you value me or you don't see me, whatever. Um, for me to say, okay, wait a minute, fuel. It's actually not about the cup.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01It's actually about that. I feel like you don't realize how much I'm carrying around here. Um, can we talk about that instead? Now simple.
SPEAKER_00But yeah, and that's on the but hard, right?
SPEAKER_01Simple but hard.
SPEAKER_00Do do do it do you think that some people um do you think some people don't are are are are I want to say the word I don't want to say the curse word.
SPEAKER_01Go ahead, go ahead and say it.
SPEAKER_00Pussyfoot around the real conversation, because they may think the outcome may be so bad that they might end up breaking up.
SPEAKER_01A thousand percent. Yeah, yes, a thousand percent, especially if it's somebody anxious, right?
SPEAKER_00So if it's somebody but shouldn't that honesty just be honest, and you know what I mean? Because if it's meant for that, it's gonna happen regardless, however long you kind of delay.
SPEAKER_01Logically, yes. Logically, yes, right. But when we're talking about the fear in your nervous system is so powerful, so over you know, overwhelming that that you're just gonna do whatever you can to try to control this potentially inevitable outcome that we might break up, right? Um this this this feels a lot bigger than me just telling you that I don't feel like you recognize how much I'm doing, right? It feels monumental. And so on a on a um on a logical standpoint, you should be like, well, you should just be able to say that.
SPEAKER_02Right, right. Right.
SPEAKER_01But if you're anxious and you're worried about like that those core wounds about being abandoned and being left and being rejected are so powerful that they kind of take over, it's really hard to say those words.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01It's really hard to say those words because the even though the you've given me no indication that I can't say them, right? There's something inside of me that's much bigger than the way that you're showing up and you know the things that you're saying and the things you're doing.
SPEAKER_00Is there a practice that one can do though with for self to uh get better at these things? To get better at that, yes.
SPEAKER_01Like yeah, so the practice comes in doing, right? Is doing and saying things that that are uncomfortable that you but you start with something that feels a little bit risky to say, right? And then your brain starts getting the feedback on okay, well, I survived that, that was okay. And then the next time it's a little more risky, and then a little more. You see what I'm saying? So it might be like let's say you say, Where do you want to go for dinner? And and I say, Oh, I don't really care because I'm trying to people please and make sure that you're not mad at me and you won't leave me because I want Italian and you want Mexican, right?
SPEAKER_02Right, right.
SPEAKER_01But you say, Okay, how about Mexican? A little thing might be, you know what? I'm actually kind of feeling like Italian.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Right? Versus, okay, that sounds good.
unknownRight?
SPEAKER_01It felt feels relatively safe because if you said, Oh yeah, I just don't feel like Italian tonight, we could still default back to Mexican and and it, you know, right. I would feel relatively safe in saying that. So it's those little practices that we do that feel a little uncomfortable.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, because I don't think I I can you don't think you can do Italian? No. No, I don't think I can practice like that. I don't know. I because I'm I'm I try to be straightforward and whatever I say from the beginning is what it is, I think, you know. Um but like I said, I mean, but this is for you guys that need to practice this.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, well, and it depends, right?
SPEAKER_00You have you're you're you like I'm perfect, don't I? I'm not perfect. You kind of do. I'm not no to be honest with you guys. I mean, I I I learned a lot from uh uh Dr. G because you know, even though I might play around and talk crazy sometimes or whatever, but I've trust me, I have learned a lot, so you should too. Um, real quick before we go, yeah. Someone just asked heel, just ask, are you a therapist?
SPEAKER_01I am not a therapist and I do not play one on TV.
SPEAKER_00And tell them yes.
SPEAKER_01Um, I am a coach. Um I've been to a lot of therapy. I feel like I probably could be a therapist if I really tried. But um, I from my perspective, I was more concerned with not where I've been so much, right, but where I'm going and how do I get there. And so that that's more of a coach angle.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um it's useful to know what makes you kind of tick and how you're wired. And I absolutely, you know, get into that with my work. But the people that I work with are really like, well, here's where I'm at, and I don't want to be here anymore. Right. Like, where are we going? Because where I've been, unless it's a really something really traumatic, it doesn't really matter that much.
SPEAKER_02Right. Right.
SPEAKER_01What matters is where you want to go. Um, so thanks for the question. We're we're completely transparent here.
SPEAKER_00Yes, indeed.
SPEAKER_01Indeed.
SPEAKER_00Yes, indeed. Uh okay. Can I get into my questions? No, wait, wait.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh, I guess. Yeah. Yes, let's go. Are you not gonna rattle like 50 at one time at me? Are you like a I don't know.
SPEAKER_00They might be back to back. I don't know. I mean, you get all the main, but uh I've value your opinions on these
Needs Are Not Mind Reading
SPEAKER_00things. So is repeated conflict evidence that partners are avoiding the real issue?
SPEAKER_01Um that's a tricky question. And the reason that I say it's a tricky question is because um it depends on what we're arguing about, and it depends on it could be the actual issue, right? And the other partner is not hearing it, and the partner that keeps saying it over and over again doesn't know how to say it any other way that might land differently. Okay, right. So it it could be something else, could be I'm arguing about the cup, and it, you know, it's really not about the cup, but it might be about the cup, might be about the I don't like a dirty sink, right? Um, so that's why it's tricky because it's there's not a it depends.
SPEAKER_00It depends. So that's the answer. It depends.
SPEAKER_01It depends, yes. You have to get more context around it for I can really answer it, but okay um okay, bet, bet, bet.
SPEAKER_00Okay, so are uh people responsible for explaining their needs or should a loving partner notice them? Just because they're loving partners, should they actually really notice them?
SPEAKER_01Um so no partners are mind readers.
SPEAKER_00That part.
SPEAKER_01Okay, so it's not really fair that you should just know. But obviously, the more that you um are with somebody, you can you you see certain things that maybe you know would either be helpful for you to lean in and say, hey, is this what's happening? Or not do the thing like leaving the cup, right? Um, if it really is about the dishes. Um so I think it's it it's absolutely really the responsibility is on the person who need who needs their needs met to talk about it. Um, but a loving partner can certainly support that in maybe asking questions in a gentle way, maybe suggesting what they think might be going on to just kind of start the conversation and make it feel safe to have a conversation, right? Um, because if I don't feel safe to have a conversation with you, you're never really gonna know what's wrong.
SPEAKER_00Right, right. Okay. And you guys got questions on there as well, you know. Hit us up in the in the text right there, hit us in the comments or whatever. So we'll get your questions asked too, because I got a bunch of them.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yours go everybody else's go before yours. Yeah, yeah. Everybody else can go before you get at the bottom of the list, right?
SPEAKER_00All right, let's go. What two? Oh, we're going to.
SPEAKER_01Okay, we're moving. We're moving. Oh, yeah, we're moving. All right. I just, you know, like I don't know about you sometimes. I'm participating with you. So we've talked about this tool before, and I think it was oh my gosh. I don't even remember what when it was.
Tool Two Nonviolent Communication Steps
SPEAKER_01I I don't even remember what what episode it was, but um nonviolent communication. Okay, so nonviolent communication is a four-step process. And again, I'm gonna be the one that that has to do the work here. So I'm gonna be the one that has the problem with not feeling heard or you know, um respected uh or valued, um, and I'm complaining about the cup. Okay. So what this looks like is for me to say first is the observation, like what is actually happening. Okay, what's actually happening is there's a cup in the sink. That's that's the fact of it, right?
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01What's not happening is you never clean up, which might be what comes out of my mouth when I get to the at the deeper into the argument. Right. I mean, if I've been thinking about this for a long time, this not feeling respected for a while, right? I might say something to you like, you never clean up. You always leave the dishes in the sink, right?
SPEAKER_02So the truth goes out.
SPEAKER_01So what what I this nonviolent communication tool is for me to say what is actually happening here. What's actually happening is the dishes, the cup is left on the on the sink in the counter, right? Um, and how do I feel about that? Right? What does that make me feel? And so this is where I get into honestly, I feel a little frustrated, a little disrespected, maybe. Um, I might feel invisible, like the work that I do around here doesn't matter.
SPEAKER_02Right, right.
SPEAKER_01So how do I actually feel? Now, here's a tricky part. Everybody take note. So what we tend to do is I feel like you don't care. That's not a feeling.
SPEAKER_00That's not a feeling.
SPEAKER_01No, a feeling is one word. I feel frustrated, I feel unseen, I feel um like you don't care?
SPEAKER_00No, I'm just no, I just said that wasn't.
SPEAKER_01I know you didn't know so. This is a tricky one because we do this, and that's actually a thought. I feel like you don't care. It's just a thought, right? Um, so we have to be careful with that because when we say how do you feel, a lot of times we'll answer it. Um, well, I feel like you think I'm the maid around here. Or I feel like da-da-da-da. That's not a feeling. Okay. The feeling is I feel hurt. Right. I feel frustrated. I feel okay. Right, right, right. So watch for that because I'm I'm watching you.
SPEAKER_02Okay. Watching you.
SPEAKER_01Okay. So um, so then the fourth part, um, or the sorry, the third part is what do you need? So, what do I need from you? And really my underlying need is I want us to feel like we're in this together, like that we're sharing responsibilities, that we, you know, we we're we're a team. Um, that's what I really need. It's not about whether or not you put the cup away, right? It's about feeling like you recognize that I do a lot of things or and I recognize that you do a lot of things. They might be different things, and we're doing this together as a team. Okay, the last one is um requesting what you want. Now, this is another one where we tend to not do a very good job. So we might say things like, I'd really like for you to help me out more. Right. Well, okay, when I say that to you, Fuel, right, I'd really like for you to help me out more. What pops into your mind of ways that you could help me out more?
SPEAKER_00Well, the first thing I'm gonna ask is, what is it that you need? What is it that you're uh um, you know, what is it that I may be missing that, you know, that you need help with that I like, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, that would be my response. Getting clarity, right? Yeah, just getting clarity about that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So that's great if that happens, but it doesn't always happen, right? So then they go their separate ways.
SPEAKER_00Well, only that would only happen though if that one person is not uh being thoughtful or not being uh uh, like you said, being helpful. I mean, they're not being uh present.
SPEAKER_01You're talking about you in this you in this scenario? Like I gotta make sure I know which one of us we're talking about.
SPEAKER_00No, no, no, no. I'm just saying, I'm just saying in general, yeah. In general, like the other person, like it only goes that route or whatever because that other person, because it shouldn't, you know, you're you should be having the communication, you know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, we keep circling right back to that, don't we?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, we always because I mean because that's what you should be having. I mean, a lot of people just don't, and because they ignore uh certain things that people are saying, you know what I mean, and and and because of selfishness, you know, because they're doing what they want to do, you know what I'm saying, and not really recognizing that this person is have a real issue going on, you know, with whatever the situation is, you know what I'm saying? When these, like you said, they're not talking about the dishes, they're talking about something else, but you're not paying attention to it, you know what I'm saying? You just kind of want to go in on that argument or whatever, when actually really you do know it's more than that.
SPEAKER_01Do you think everybody knows? I I I I
SPEAKER_00For the most part, for the most part, I I I think in relationships, for the most part, I think people know when something is not right.
SPEAKER_01Energetically they feel like something's right.
SPEAKER_00They they they know that that you know their significant other is unhappy.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00You know, and it and it takes that person to either one, ask, you know, what's pro what's going on, what's really bothering you, or you're gonna ignore it and be selfish about it and be like, ah, she'd be all right. That's all right, you know, we'll get back to it or whatever, talk about another day, she'll get over it. You know what I'm saying? You know, so those are the things that's so so that's why always always talk, yes, communication, communicating or whatever, you know, uh something could be bothering you, whatever it is. We can at least talk about it, you know, and it don't have to uh escalate into a big argument. You know, my problem would be is if we're talking about something and it still ends up an argument about the same thing that we've talked about before, then we're not getting nowhere. We're not accomplishing it, we're not building nothing, you know. So my thing is yes, to I mean, just me is the attention to that person and try to get what they're you know trying to say or really want to say or really want to be at or whatever, so we don't have to go back again.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, yeah. I I know you don't like going back again. I know uh it's like a really like a you know, I don't that is like a like a yeah, I don't know. I can't do it. Drinking sour milk or something for you. I don't know what that is, but um, yes, so agreed, and the person who's who needs to say what they need to say needs to feel safe enough to do that, and that's that's mostly their work.
SPEAKER_00That's what I was gonna say. Yeah, that's kind of on them to be able to safe to say, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I mean, you know, you play a part in it, of course, right? Like if you don't make the environment such that that I obviously don't know.
SPEAKER_00To make them feel like they want to say, yeah.
SPEAKER_01But I still have to, I still have to do my work so that I can feel safe enough to tell you what's really going on.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01And to not feel like, you know, I know it seems it seems like a funny thing, right? That that if I have no evidence that what I say to you is gonna lead to us breaking up or you leaving me or whatever, how it can can be so powerful. And I know if you don't feel that, that if it seems so weird, like why why won't just say the thing, right? Right, but it's real, like it's real and it's it's powerful and it's overwhelming, and the fear is so strong.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_01Right. And so that requires me to do my work so that I can get to a point where I can say to you, I kind of feel like you don't realize how much I'm doing around here. Right? Um, and sometimes we might have to have the conversation 14 times before I can get the words out.
SPEAKER_00No, I don't know, no, no, that's a that's a that's a no for fuel. No 14 times for you have to tell me.
SPEAKER_01You don't have to you don't have to be in that relationship, right? Like that's that's a that's a decision point for you, right? Um, but and it's not everybody, it's not for always 14 times, but I'm saying that that for some people, that's real. Like it takes me, um I could think the conversation four hours straight and think about all the ways I'm gonna say it and be ready and prepared and feel confident, and then I'm sitting in front of you and no words come out or something different, like I say, you know, you always leave the dishes in the sink.
SPEAKER_00Um is that a isn't that a way to though to um also mess things up because you know, you know how like like we talk about, you know, it's better to listen before you know we speak, or it's better to, you know, and sometimes if you basically have it all in your head right before we get in there and having a conversation, and say for instance, we get in a conversation, now you got to get that out of your head. So now you kind of kind of like you know, like wanting to get your words across or whatever before it leaves, you know what I mean? And and that could cause fliction between the person that you're trying to communicate with because they have something to say to not intervene, but you know what I'm saying, they want to respond to certain things, but you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_01That wouldn't that cause more it it uh sure it absolutely could. Um but from the anxious person's standpoint, we practice those things over and over again to try to build the confidence to be able to even say them.
SPEAKER_02Gotcha, right?
SPEAKER_01So it's it's it's um you know, it's a strategy, right? Because like I really want to say this to you.
SPEAKER_00And I so I keep replaying it, replaying it, replaying it, replaying it in my mind, um, thinking that you know that's gonna make me feel braver or make the end result turn out differently, or but but the price should be at two as a as a calmness, too, because I mean you can be at home or whatever. Oh, I can't wait till you get home because I'm I'm gonna tell him this and I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that or whatever. And you know what I mean, you know what I mean. And so that that's a little buildup because you race waiting, waiting for it to happen, and then when when that person comes, unless, like you said, they feel like oh I can't I can't talk about it right now, or I can't, you know what I mean. But yeah, when you reared up or whatever, you have to be able to, you know, let a person respond to the situation or whatever the problem with the conversation, you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_00And because I mean, I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm not arguing. Um well, yeah, I'm kind of arguing it because that's what we do. That's how we go. I'm kind of arguing it because because I mean my my thing is this, I at least I know if I know something that I'm gonna tell somebody before I see them or whatever, I gotta get it out right then. It's gonna be hard for me to practice it in a certain way because after, say, for instance, we might have had a conversation a week ago, right? And now I've thought about it like how I'm gonna respond to it because I didn't respond to it well the week ago. So, how am I gonna respond to this now? You know what I'm saying? When I get and and and when I approach her, you know, I might come at her like, hey, you know what, we talked about such and such or whatever, and and this is what I think, and this is how I think because I thought it over my head, and you know, and I needed to get it out or whatever. That will escalate a little bit more because I think that that person's gonna feel attacked.
SPEAKER_01They could for sure. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And that's what we don't want. So, how do we avoid that?
SPEAKER_01Well, we'll get to that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Are you trying to like give me the segment? No, no, go ahead, go ahead. Okay, we'll get to that. So, um, so getting back to because that we we didn't get to the request part yet. Like, number four on this one, nonviolent communication, is being very specific about what you want, right? So, can we like can we talk about how we share responsibilities in the kitchen so that it's not all feeling like it's on me? That's very specific, right? Or can we, you know, talk about how you know the dog poop's gonna get cleaned up because I don't really want to do that. And you know, whatever, whatever it might be. But very clean up no dog poop. I'm not either. So we gotta call that company, you know, that come and they clean up the dog poop. No, I got you. I don't know. Yeah. So um, you know, so again, the important the really important piece on this one here, excuse me, here is recognizing what your actual feeling is um and not confusing it with the thought that starts with like, I feel like you, right? Because that's not a feeling.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01Okay. So so watching for that. What are you actually feeling? I'm feeling hurt, I'm feeling frustrated, I'm feeling, you know, um unheard, I'm feeling annoyed, uh, whatever it is, right? Right. Okay. All right. Any more questions before I move on to tool number three?
When Talks Loop And Time Limits
SPEAKER_00Uh no, but we got comments. We got comments.
SPEAKER_02Let's go.
SPEAKER_00Let's go, let's go, let's go. Uh Jay Man, what's up? 27 and 6. What's up with you, man? He said that is a passive aggressive. That's passive aggressive. Uh, I think I missed it. Where we was talking about where he were, I guess. I don't know. Did I say something passive aggressive?
SPEAKER_01Oh, probably. I mean, I don't know.
SPEAKER_00It says uh uh uh siren arrow, what's up? She said, hi, what's up? Hi, what's up with you? What's up, Greg? D night what's DJ Greg's in the house. Sleoshies he's in the house. What's up? Appreciate you guys. Uh, Slushy Hero. I don't know if that's a guy or girl, but Sushie's in the house. And I see my cuz um and my niece toy toy. What's up with you? Uh join me in the conversation, y'all. Join in the conversation. Uh Jay said, limit it, limit the time of the discussion. That's a go. Limit the time. Well, well, how do you limit the time though? How do you how how do you limit the time, uh Jay?
SPEAKER_01So so we enlighten me on that. Well, that's so you don't have to listen for four hours, right? I mean, like, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Well, you. Oh, me? Yeah, yeah, tell me so I don't I can limit the time with somebody. No. Um, no, I mean, I I mean it it is a good idea though to to try to, you know, talk for a certain amount of time or whatever, you know, and hopefully if you didn't get any results or whatever, you can come back to it and you know, as long as there's the discussion is, you know, uh uh calm, cool, and you know, it's a discussion. It's a you know, that's it, not an argument.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Um, so I I feel like you're learning things.
SPEAKER_00I do though.
SPEAKER_01I learned right now. Um, I don't I I I don't know if that will work. I think that's not a bad idea. Um, but from my perspective, we have to think about you know, is the conversation progressing? Or are we just kind of at a standstill? If we're at a standstill, probably somebody's becoming flooded, which we've talked about before, right? Like they're feeling overwhelmed, whatever. In which case you need a break anyway. Um but you know, my my guess is there could be an another level of of pressure, or um if I know I only have I only get to talk to you for five minutes or 10 minutes or whatever, you know. So yeah, yeah, yeah. So now I'm feeling like uh oh.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I don't you get home and you only got like 10-15 minutes to talk to somebody.
SPEAKER_01Right, right, right, right. Get them all out.
SPEAKER_00Right, right.
SPEAKER_01You know, and so get it. I don't know. You know, I don't know. I don't I don't know.
SPEAKER_00We could say she's she is right. That's what Jay says Jay said you're right.
SPEAKER_01So thank you, Jay. But you know what even feels better is if you tell Fuel he's wrong.
SPEAKER_00Ah, kidding. I should have hit the mute button. I'm just kidding. No, I know. Uh did I ask this one already? I don't know. Ask it and I'll tell you. Are recurring arguments more about unmet needs or incapable personalities?
SPEAKER_01You did not ask that one.
SPEAKER_00Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_01Um, so if we're having the same argument over and over and over again, um obviously the the need has not been met, right? Because we're still having the same argument over and over and over again. The challenge comes in do we know what the need is? Like have we really gotten to that level, hence why we keep having the same conversation over and over again without moving the needle, right? Because we're just we're still talking about the cup, but really my need is to feel respected, right? It's it's something different. So, um, and what was the second part?
SPEAKER_00Personality, yeah, or incapable, uh incompatible personalities. Are they incompatible personalities?
SPEAKER_01Personality is such a funny thing. Um, I I would say it's more around the attachment style and how you how comfortable you feel in sharing your needs, how safe you feel in sharing your needs, um, less than less so than a personality. Um, because let's say it's the person who wants to bow out of the conversation quickly, right? Um, if they don't feel safe to be vulnerable to talk about feelings, that would make sense, right? It doesn't mean they have a terrible personality.
SPEAKER_00It means that there's a pattern of but that means it it would be uh incompatible though. Basically, if they can't, if they if they can't get on the same page, they they know what I'm saying, then they pretty much are compatible, you know. Even though they had an attraction with each other to start their relationship and uh, you know, may have fun at the beginning or something like that, but when you learn each other's personality, you know what I mean? It could be in, you know, it can it can be that in uh incompatible.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so I look at personality more like um you have a personality where you want to party all the time and you want to be out and you want to be social and you want to do all those things. Um, and and I have a personality that I don't want to be with people and I don't want to go out and party, and I don't that to me, um, one's maybe an introverted, one's much more extroverted. That's different to me.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um, because what are we gonna do together? I don't know how that that's gonna work, right? It might work, but but that's different than your attachment style, which is really how how you feel about getting your your needs met, not you know, your your social calendar or something like that. So to get back to your question, it's challenging, right? If we can't communicate, right, but that doesn't necessarily mean we're not compatible. It means we've got work to do to figure out how can we share each other, how can we share what we need to before we can decide if those needs are in alignment. Because right now we're just not talking about it in the way that we need to talk about it, to know whether or not we can meet each other's, you know, needs in a relationship. Right? So it's kind of tricky. But if you don't want to do the work, then yeah, obviously you're not compatible.
SPEAKER_00Right, right. That's so that's the thing. It's kind of like you're gonna be able to do it.
SPEAKER_01Or you just don't want to do it, right?
SPEAKER_00No, no. I mean, but I mean you could you have you have, um, and I could say when I was younger, right? I will go to the clubs, we kick it, or whatever. I'm up till three or four in the morning and all this type of stuff, whatever. And then I meet somebody that's a homebody, don't like that or whatever. But we get along when we're around each other, we good, we you know, laugh, have fun, or whatever the case would be. But then if I still want to go and do all these other things or whatever, I don't want to feel like guilty of doing it or or or feel like I have to change completely to do it or whatever, which means that our personalities are not compatible. No, no, no, what does it mean?
SPEAKER_01It means that we haven't had a conversation about what your needs are that. No, what if we had it? What if we had a conversation? Well, and have I said I don't want you to go out partying? If that's the case, then that's different. But if I say, well, let's come to an agreement. You see, I I'm gonna stay in because I don't want to go party, and you want to go party, but we agree to see each other three days a week and we do something that we both like to do.
SPEAKER_02Compromise.
SPEAKER_01So does that work? Like, right? Okay, I get I can compromise. I can could you do that?
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01But if I say you have to stay home all the time, or or or you say you always have to go out to the club with me, that's probably not gonna work.
SPEAKER_00Right, right.
SPEAKER_01Because I don't want to do that, right? And you don't want to stay home all the time.
unknownRight.
SPEAKER_00Well, I'm I'm I'm the homebody one now.
SPEAKER_01Well, I know, but you know, we're just we're we're just playing here.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. Sorry.
SPEAKER_01Okay. What else you got?
SPEAKER_00You know what? I got a bunch.
SPEAKER_01I know me over there because they come before you. I don't know. Okay, anything we need to address? No. Yeah, I hear that.
SPEAKER_00She see how she does me, man. She just Love you all.
SPEAKER_01Him sort of.
SPEAKER_00No, there's nothing. Um okay,
Chores Respect And Emotional Labor
SPEAKER_00okay. Uh let me see. I did have another one. Um is an argument about chores or really an argument about respect.
SPEAKER_01I mean it could be about chores, but it's probably more that somebody's feeling um disrespected in a way, right? Like they're they're doing all the things and you're not doing the things.
SPEAKER_00Or their their their concerns are not not heard or being met or whatever.
SPEAKER_01Because really, uh when we look at these problems, right? Things like dishes or things like that, or whatever it might be, um it's not about like, am I right or am you are you right? It's about like the problem is X, fill in the blank, right? And we are on the same team and we should be figuring out collectively how to solve the problem. The problem isn't that you leave dishes on the counter, right? And the problem isn't that I'm you know I you know, I'm doing the dishes. The problem is I I feel a certain way, I I need to be heard, we need to work on the the the chores together, right? Whatever that looks like. Maybe it means hiring a maid, I don't know.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01But um so if we can if we can work in a way that we're we're on the same team and we're tackling a challenge that we have together instead of my way's right or your way's right, right, um, that goes a long way in getting us moving, right? Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_01Alrighty, alrighty. Alrighty, alrighty, alrighty, alrighty.
SPEAKER_00Hey, this this this show is gonna be a lot of question and answers today, man, because it's a lot, it's a lot of questions when it comes to you know this type of thing, you know, because you want to talk about the fairness, you want to talk about the chores and the mental load, you know what I mean, that one has um in these type of situations in their relationship, you know. Um one of the brings me to this next question that I had here, um, and I'll put it up here for you guys so y'all can answer it too. Um can unequal housework be a form of emotional neglect?
SPEAKER_01Sure. Um but again, we go back to like what is what is the arrangement, right? Because let's say we've agreed that you're gonna work 80 hours a week and I'm gonna stay home and clean the house.
SPEAKER_00But you know, sometimes with and some people when they get together, yeah. Well some people when they get together, those those are not one of the main the conversations. No, but it should be, yeah, and it should be, right?
SPEAKER_01We need to figure out what does this look like.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's and that's that's the that's that's what I was trying to get at.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00That's what it should look like. You know, that's the conversation that that one should have, especially if you're you know moving in together and all that or whatever, you know what I'm saying? Because they don't want to feel you know neglected by doing everything, and you're not, you know, at least concerned or or trying to be a part of whatever's going on. You know what I mean? So that's why that was that was why that of that question.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I just thought of a funny example has nothing to do with um housework, but kind of I think makes it maybe a little bit clearer. So let's say we're not even moving in together, we're just hanging out, right? And I've been the one to always decide what the date looks like, where we're going, what we're gonna eat, like how we're gonna get there, what time, all the things, right? And I just keep doing it and I just keep doing it. And you know, and I start to get a little resentful that you're not.
SPEAKER_00What did that what if he didn't ask you to do it?
SPEAKER_01Right. So here we go, right? So I start getting resentful, right? And you're over here thinking, oh well, she's probably loving it because she gets to do exactly what she wants to do. She's planning it the exact way that she wants to plan it, right? So again, even the simplest things, uh like who's you know, how do should we figure out this date thing? Like, or do we wanna do you do you want to be the one that takes it on? Do you want me to take it on? Do we want to split it? Like, do I do one week? You do one week? Like, what does it look like? Right, instead of just starting and then that resentment.
SPEAKER_00Right?
SPEAKER_01Because if you're thinking if you're just thinking, well, she's doing it, she must like it, and and she probably wants to just control where we're gonna eat and what we're gonna do. And I'm over here saying, Why the hell is he never stepping up to do the thing and help me out here? Or why do I have to plan it all the time? Because it wasn't a conversation.
SPEAKER_00Which you're right. Why question something that you've never even talked about or asked?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you haven't had a conversation about it, right? You just start doing and then then the resentment happens, right? Right. Because we haven't talked about it. Talked about it.
SPEAKER_00J-Man called it uh emotional labor. Yes, emotional labor. Yeah, interesting.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's exactly right. I had a I had to think on that one, which is interesting because I I won't we won't get into the whole he and she scenario, but right, but um but as a general rule studies show that women carry an invisible load, mental load. Oh, that's that's facts that that you know I I think we'd love to. Drop, but we just don't, right? So I'll say you need to take care of the insurance. But in my mind, I'm like, I hope your remembers take care of the insurance. What if you took care of the insurance? She's gonna make sure that you take care of it.
SPEAKER_00Did the insurance get still a responsibility on her to feel like you know, right?
SPEAKER_01Where we just can't, so and that takes bandwidth, right? So I'm doing my things, but I'm also worrying about even though you're totally capable, it's just something that happens, right? More so for women than men. So it's exhausting. So y'all be nice to us. That's all I gotta say about that.
When Preferences Become Control
SPEAKER_00Is it controlling to expect uh tours to be completed in a particular way?
SPEAKER_01Um, kind of. It is controlling. It can be controlling. It can be controlling. Yeah. Um, but I I think the question there more is what is the person who wants it done in a certain way making it mean that it that if it isn't done in that way? Right. So um I like in my cupboards, I have round plates and I have square plates. Okay. Okay.
SPEAKER_00Well, you can't put the square on the round.
SPEAKER_01Correct.
SPEAKER_00That is correct.
SPEAKER_01That's the right answer, Fuel. That is the right answer.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01But not everybody would think that that was true. Like all the big plates go here and all the small plates go here, right?
SPEAKER_02Right, right, right.
SPEAKER_01And so um is that wrong to put the small the round plates and the square plates together? I mean, I think so. But that's just me, right? But is it really wrong? No, it's probably not wrong, but I like it a certain way because it makes me feel calmer. But is it controlling organizing? Well, if I'm forcing you to do it that way, then I then because it ticks you off to see it a different way. Well, if I told you, like I feel kind of anxious when the plates are all mixed up. So would it, you know, would you be able to put them in the the rounds with the rounds and the squares with the squares?
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01Um, could you do that? Because now you know, like I get like a little anxious, right? That they're not in the right order order because it like messes with my mind. If you know that, now you get a dis you have a decision point, right? So you get to say, hey, like, do I really care if I put the rounds with rounds and squares with the rounds? I mean, then maybe it doesn't feel controlling, but if I'm like, it has to be done this way and you don't know why, that feels a little controlling, right?
SPEAKER_00Well, I mean, the fact the fact that that that I don't know, when you tell somebody something once, you shouldn't have to count telling them again when they know that that's obviously something that's bothersome to the person, to the, you know.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So yeah.
SPEAKER_01So, but I'm glad we're on the same page about the rounds and the squares don't go in the same pile together.
SPEAKER_00No, no, no. I mean, I mean, and that using that in in other scenarios, you know what I'm saying? Just basically knowing that, you know, if my woman has certain a certain something a certain way, you know what I mean, and I do it in a different way, and then yet go back and do it in a different way when I know that she wants it a certain way, is being inconsiderate and disrespectful to her feelings.
SPEAKER_01Yes, but also to that, I would say if the way that you were doing it the other way was better, was it won't be better. It won't, it won't be better. So we just need to be borrowing. It's always better. What are you talking about?
SPEAKER_00It's not really better.
SPEAKER_01But um there might be a reason why you do it that way, and so sharing that could change the other person's thought on it, right?
SPEAKER_00Because half the place would be in the square and the circle and the other one just at just the square.
SPEAKER_01I cannot.
SPEAKER_00No, I get it, I get it.
Avoidance Flooding And Healthy Conflict
SPEAKER_00Is uh refusing to argue emotional maturity or emotional avoidance?
SPEAKER_01Refusing to argue?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, like is refusing to argue emotional maturity or emotional avoidance.
SPEAKER_01Okay, so I don't love the word argue. I think I'm bad.
SPEAKER_00I think I'm oh, but go ahead, go ahead.
SPEAKER_01I don't love the word argue, right? Because we are gonna have conflict if we're with somebody. It's it there's gonna be conflict, right? How you go about communicating can make the relationship better, right? So if you disagree on something, somebody wants to share something that's important to them, and you don't want to talk about it, that's avoidance. That's not maturity, right? Um, how you communicate could show maturity, right? So if we talk in a way that we're on the same team, we're trying to solve the problem, like we're we're kind and respectful to each other, you know, that's maturity. Yeah, that's emotional maturity, right? But not but not talking about it at all, yeah, that's avoidance.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Well, maybe I need something to work on because uh because I'm not an argument, I'm just not an argument type argument type person.
SPEAKER_01Again, it just shouldn't feel like an argument, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. But if it feels like an argument and I'm trying to stop it because I don't want to argue, then does that make me immature? Or avoid emotionally avoided?
SPEAKER_01I mean, you're immature. Whatever, not just not like I mean, is that a real question?
SPEAKER_00Whatever, whatever, folks. Um, but does it does that make me, you know, uh uh emotional avoidance?
SPEAKER_01I mean, because I mean don't want to argue about maybe, but uh I don't know with you because when it's important to you, you want to bring it up and you want to talk about it. So you're complicated.
unknownYeah, okay.
SPEAKER_00I'm using I'm using scenarios, it's not just all about it.
SPEAKER_01Okay, but we're pretending it's me and you, we're pretending, we're pretending here. Um, so you know, I I have to know more before I can answer that question about whether or not you're avoidant or the pretend you're avoidant. Um but you know, I I think if we can shift the thinking and the wording just a little bit to say because argument feels like we are gonna be doing this, right? Where conflict is normal and good. If you're never arguing or having a conflict about anything, you're probably both avoiding all the things that you really want to say. Like there's no way you're just going through life and not having a conflict.
SPEAKER_00Have some sort of disagreement.
SPEAKER_01You got to. You're two different humans, right? So if we look at it from a perspective of conflict is normal, and it probably will bring us closer once we talk through it, then it doesn't feel like we're gonna be banging heads.
SPEAKER_00But see, I think people can mix that up. I think I think people can or can be confused with that, you know, by saying by saying conflict is normal, is almost saying like arguments are normal. You know what I'm saying? And that we're gonna argue or whatever, you know, and and some people can just live by that. I mean, we're gonna argue. That's not, you know, it's just a thing, it's just life, it's part of life or whatever, which I don't feel like should be a part of life for someone to feel like that, you know, we're gonna argue and we're gonna get through it, but it's an argument. But those arguments can can can can uh draw uh a very bad uh situation, you know, for people.
SPEAKER_01So what I'm what I the vibe I'm getting here, the vibe I'm getting is the vibe that you you or this person we're talking about. Um no, anybody.
SPEAKER_00I mean, no, it's just anybody. It don't have to be, I mean, I'm not talking about annoying material. I'm just saying that some people are like say I have past relationships where where they don't feel like that uh uh the relationship is good because we're not arguing. They don't feel like the relationship because because you know, I don't uh uh uh uh uh escalate an argument. I do I want I try to diffuse it, I try to like you know, let it go or whatever, you know what I mean? Uh say what you say, feel what you feel, or whatever, and then you know, let's live go to the next day, you know what I mean? Uh resolved or not resolved, whatever is kind of like if it gets to an escalation to a point where I gotta holler or you gotta holler, that's an argument, and that's not normal. That's not, you know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_01Okay, so that's the that's I I'm glad you said that because um it it it sounds like argument to you means like it this could turn into a screaming match, right? Right, which is why I like don't like that word. Um, because we can it's okay for us to not agree on everything, right? Yeah, I can understand that, yeah. Okay. And it's okay for us to talk about how we don't agree with everything, okay, right? And it doesn't have to get into a screaming match. Right. So if if we don't disagree on something and we can have a uh conversation where we both feel heard, right? It doesn't mean we have to then agree with what the other person says, right? But we both feel heard, our our sides have been spoken and we feel like the other person understands. Um that's very good for a relationship. Right. The screaming, the yelling, the stomping out of the room, not so much, right? So call it an argument. But I in my mind, I I think what you think, right? Is like that means that we're we're our voices are getting louder and or we're, you know, I mean, in some cases, people are throwing things or we're stomping around or we're leaving the room or whatever. Um you know, that's not really very healthy. But what's underneath that, getting to what the their truth is of what how what what's really going on? What what need is not getting met here? If you can get to that by using the right tools to be able to communicate, and you know that, and I understand that about you, and you understand that about me, that's a beautiful place to be. Like that's a that's great for your relationship.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, yeah. I like I said, if you don't, if it's if it's not getting out of hand, if it's not, you know what I'm saying, it's more of a uh a discussion than argument. Yeah, I get it. But if it if it escalates to the shouting match part of it, it'll be where it's not.
SPEAKER_01And we talked about this a few weeks ago too, where when you get to that point, you're in a flooded state and you're not getting anywhere.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01Like you need to we need to now get our nervous system back regulated. Exactly. So, and that requires some space. It requires some space.
SPEAKER_00So let's get in, let's get into some deeper relationship dynamics. Can we can we get there? Can we do that? I know, right? I told you, I told you I had a bunch today.
SPEAKER_01I know, and we talked about this five minutes to end. That's right, and I've only gotten to tool two.
SPEAKER_00Oh, shoot. Well, well, we got two. Okay, what do you got? Well, actually, after this, the deep the deep relationship dynamics, you can give me those that third tool, right? That kind of coincide with relationships, right?
SPEAKER_01I don't know. I don't know. I uh you've exhausted me today. I'm like, uh fork in me, I'm done, people.
SPEAKER_00I mean, because these are these are questions, man, that that that that um look if we have to do a round three, I'm happy to do a round three. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I don't want to rush, I don't want to rush any of it. So tell me what you got. All right, so part 75.
Power Struggles And Unmet Needs
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_00I know the people, the people want to hear this. The people want to hear this.
SPEAKER_01Let's go.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_01Let's talk about it.
SPEAKER_00Uh are most couples conflict, uh, couple conflicts really struggling over power.
SPEAKER_01I don't think I understand.
SPEAKER_00But then is a couple's conflict, you know, when they have conflicts, is it really struggles over the power of the relationship?
SPEAKER_01Of the relationship, like who has the who has the power?
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um in a in a in most relationships well, if you have like narcissistic.
SPEAKER_00Male shovelness, pigs.
SPEAKER_01Yes, if we have that. But in most relationships, it's not about who's more powerful, it's about being heard.
SPEAKER_00In the in the perfect relationship, in a good relationship or a good relationship.
SPEAKER_01But if I feel like you hear me, you understand me, you not that doesn't mean agree. You don't have to agree with everything that I say, but I feel heard and seen. I I don't need to be the powerful one. And you and you probably don't need to be the powerful one either. Because we do that, we escalate things because we don't feel like we're being heard and seen.
SPEAKER_00But does does I mean, I I think when it comes to male and females, I think most people or most guys do struggle with the trying to have the power over the relationship.
SPEAKER_01So tell me.
SPEAKER_00Even though, if even though they're they can be wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they can be, like you said, male chauvinists or whatever. You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_01Uh so does the power to you mean when we are have a disagreement or whatever that uh you win, like you're right?
SPEAKER_00Basically, right. You know what I'm saying? It's kind of like I'm always right, you always wrong, type of thing. You know what I mean? Um, and I think I mean, you know, like I said, unless we use these tools like you're, you know, uh putting out there, of course, you know, most men don't get it.
SPEAKER_02You know what I'm saying?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and then that's why you have those male chauvinists or pigs, or that's why I call them, you know what I'm saying? But, you know, that's why you have that situation or whatever, because he's trying to struggle, you know, over having the power, you know, like when they had during the pandemic, you know, when uh everybody was at home, you know, and all the arguments was going on or whatever, and households and households, whatever, that ended up getting divorced because the man felt at the time he had the power. You know what I mean? But when he got in there and had to sit there with all them kids and and you know, the wife is now she's arguing, like you can do something, you ain't gotta go to work, do something, you know. And now she got the power, you know, fill basically, and he's mad now because you know, now I need to go somewhere else or I need to be by myself or whatever. I wouldn't, I wouldn't expect to do all this, you know what I mean? So that's what I'm saying when it when I say conflict or uh you know uh uh uh power of struggles in a relationship, you know, and those do occur, you know what I mean? Um for sure.
SPEAKER_01I mean, you know, for sure. And uh, you know, I always go back to what is underneath that, right? Because what have you learned that made you believe that you need to be on top, powerful, whatever? Is it part of your upbringing in terms of that's how you gained love and respect and care from your caregivers? That you were, you know, always doing the right, that you were always the one that was winning the real. Yeah, like there's so there's so many layers to it, right? Why and and we're all individual, of course, so we all have different things.
SPEAKER_00Everyone's upbringing can can really like what's underneath that, right?
SPEAKER_01Because it we aren't going back to like last week when we talked to Brian, just like we are not born with all of this stuff, right? It's all programmed in, it's patterns that we've got over time. So, where did the pattern come from? Right, and and do we want to keep it, right? Like how is that working for us? Because maybe we really don't want that, you know, it hasn't really gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
SPEAKER_00All right, all right, my last one. This is gonna be my last one. I mean, I got more, but we almost time it.
SPEAKER_01You can't. You're at one minute. You got one minute to ask and answer.
SPEAKER_00Can a relationship be healthy in the same argument never gets when the same argument never gets solved? That's a simple question.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, no, none of them are a simple question. You do this on purpose.
SPEAKER_00Can relationships will be healthy if the same argument never gets resolved. That's can it be healthy?
SPEAKER_01I think that's not a good dynamic. Uh I mean Is that a yes or a no? I'm gonna say it's a no. And the reason I'm gonna say it's a no is because there is an unmet need by one or both parties, yeah, right?
SPEAKER_00Um, that and there are limits.
SPEAKER_01And and fuel has limits. Um there are limits for me. It's it it's not it's not the best scenario, right? Because can it can it survive? Yes. I mean, but one person is stifling themselves, one or both, right, is stifling themselves because if we're having the same argument over and over again, we haven't gotten to what's underneath that. And so obviously, if it's me that keeps complaining about the cup, you don't know what my my real need is that's not being met, right? And so then I'm I'm I'm stifling myself, right? And that's not that doesn't typically end well.
SPEAKER_00Gotcha, gotcha.
SPEAKER_01Okay, all right. All right, you want to go to the next no, we're at 701. I think we can't be having these four hour Hey, yeah, they love us, they we can have all we want.
SPEAKER_00Oh my god. We can't we can't I get it. I we might have to do a part three on this too as well. But um I mean, but I mean this it's I I you answer a lot of questions here, you know. I mean, which I I I appreciate, you know.
SPEAKER_02I got you.
SPEAKER_00Now, do I do I agree with all of them?
SPEAKER_02No, that's kind of the point of this, isn't it?
SPEAKER_00I mean because you know, sometimes it's it's it's like I said, is it's you have to practice those tools you just you know mentioned earlier. You have to be able to be in the mindset or to be able to have your mind go there. Yeah even practice. You know what I mean? And sometimes people mind don't even go there in the moment of of thoughts or whatever that they're going through or whatever to the point where it's kind of like, you know. But if you get into your if you get into a um train of thought to not want something to escalate, maybe you can also think about those tools or whatever to use or whatever, you know. And that's the that's I think that's the best practice. Do get in that train of thought, you know, when you're talking or arguing with someone and you know, use some of these tools to, you know, calm yourself and maybe come back to the conversation later or whatever, instead of escalating, especially if it's somebody that you care about, somebody that you love, somebody that you know you don't want to, you know, break up with or whatever, you know, then those would be the things that to try.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I agree. I think um this time I'm just gonna agree with you. Like, uh, this time like this one time I'm just gonna agree with you. I got some agreements. I want to say that I like fried chicken.
SPEAKER_00What the hell?
SPEAKER_01Anyway, I like fried chicken.
SPEAKER_00That's what the lesson.
SPEAKER_01Certain parts of it, not all parts. Um you know, here's the thing. We talk about all these tools and they're all amazing, and they're simple and they're not easy, right? This is not easy, it's not gonna be an easy not easy, and you know, it's um it's worth it, right? But it's not easy. And our brain wants to go to what's familiar, and what's familiar is to do the same thing over and over and over again, right? But if you're wanting to have a different result, you got to get uncomfortable and do different things, do different things.
SPEAKER_00Exactly. That's what's up.
SPEAKER_01That's what's up.
SPEAKER_00Uh real quick, uh, who's that crown oh crown printing? What's up? What's up? Ain't seen you in a minute, crown. What's up with you? How's business going? I hope everything is good. She said, I agree. Having the same argument over and over will eventually destroy something because, like she said, a need isn't being met. Exactly. Like you said. Like I said, I think I said that. She didn't say that. She didn't, I said it.
SPEAKER_01No, I'm just you can take credit, Fuel.
SPEAKER_00It's okay. Uh, do you know uh speed? What this these are trollers. We got we got some some trolls on here. Trolls that's all good. That's all good. That's gonna do it for us today, man. Um, you got anything before we leave?
SPEAKER_01You exhausted me today. I love it. I love it. Um maybe there'll be a part. Maybe a part three. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe a part three.
SPEAKER_00We get into it because I still got like 8,000 questions. Yeah, I got probably like 40 questions over there. No, I'm just I love it. It's a lot. It's good.
SPEAKER_01No, because if that's what you're thinking, that's what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_00No, but we need something, we're gonna have something juicy next week, too,
Where To Listen And Subscribe
SPEAKER_00y'all. I mean, we got something juicy. We can't tell you right now, but you're gonna want to tune in and tell your friends to tune in as well. You know, I I can't tell them right now. No, you can't tell them. Yeah, I can't tell them. You'll see it. Just look for our posts on Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, all those. Oh, also we're on Spotify. We're also on iHeart uh uh um podcast. Um Apple. Apple Apple Podcast. Yes. I say spot, yeah. Apple Podcasts as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're on all of them. We're all of them. So go on either one. You can be listening to us by driving in your car, or you can listen to us why, you know, uh doing the dishes with your with you know, getting your dinner together and all that, because we come on at 6 p.m. 6 p.m. specific standard time, guys. All right, so tell a friend and tell a friend and come on in, all right? All right, that's gonna do it for us today, man. And uh once again, of course, I appreciate Coach G in the house, you know, always doing her thing.
SPEAKER_01Doing thing.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. But yeah, as y'all know that as as the further we go, the the bigger arguments me and her are gonna have, right?
SPEAKER_01It's gonna be fire.
SPEAKER_00So yeah, y'all gonna get entertained, all right? So that's what's up. But that's gonna do it for us today. And remember, if they're talking about you behind your back, they behind you for a reason.
