Repair After The Blowup

Your worst argument is not proof your relationship is doomed, but it might be proof your nervous system is driving the car. We break down what actually happens after a fight when the heat is still in the room, the dishes are suddenly getting slammed, and both people are stuck between “say something” and “do not make this worse.” 

We dig into the Gottman idea of flooding: the physical stress response that hijacks your brain, spikes your heart rate, and makes good communication almost impossible. From there, we talk through a practical repair plan you can set up before conflict hits, including taking a real break (20 to 30 minutes), promising to come back, and using small repair attempts that lower the temperature without dodging the issue. We also walk through nonviolent communication so you can separate facts from stories, name feelings without blame, and make requests that your partner can actually respond to. 

Then we widen the lens with attachment styles. If you lean anxious, delayed texts can feel like abandonment even when you “know” everything is fine. If you lean avoidant, reassurance requests can feel like pressure. We talk about negotiating agreements that work in real life, plus the repair traps that keep couples stuck: “I’m sorry you felt that way,” trying to smooth it over with sex or jokes, and weaponized therapy speak. We also connect it to pop culture with Jelly Roll and Bunny XO’s public split and what respectful communication can look like under a spotlight, and we close with a powerful Black excellence feature on Cashmere Nicole of Beauty Bakerie. 

If this helps you, subscribe, share it with a friend who argues like you do, and leave a review with the one repair phrase you want to try next.

Transcript

Welcome And What We Cover

SPEAKER_01 0:02

Right, all right, all right. We in here. It's live, baby. We about to get the show started in a minute. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Seven o'clock. I know we're prompt. Don't, don't, don't, don't mess with us. We know we prompt. We seven on the dot, man. What was what y'all talking about? Uh we got we got a show. We got a great show coming up, you guys. Just want to make sure you guys come in. Make sure that we live, you know, hit us in the comments. Make sure that you guys, you know, communicate with us as we do this, as we do this. Uh, go ahead and share. Make sure that your friends are watching with you. You know what I mean? We got some informative information for y'all, like we always do. So, you know, come on in here and join us, all right? And you know what? I mean, I I usually do an intro or whatever the case may be, but I mean, we're running behind, so forget the intro. We're about to go ahead and get it started, all right? Hold on. Crowd. Come on, crowd. All right, man. We're about to go ahead and get it started. It's fired up Thursdays, and you already know what time it is. Get ready for a conversation that matters, the stories that inspire, and reasons behind all. This is reasons, y'all, where a passion meets purpose, and every voice has a story worth hearing. It's your boy Fuel in the house, and I got my guests in here. Of course, I gotta let them introduce themselves or whatever.

SPEAKER_07 1:25

Hi, everybody. Glenda Gennati again, back in the house.

SPEAKER_06 1:30

Oh, fat boy, you already type time. I was just letting the ladies go first. I don't know.

SPEAKER_07 1:35

That was nice of you, Fatboy.

SPEAKER_01 1:40

That's right. Shells got the news, got the gossip that's going on. Uh Fatboy got history and blackness, and of course, uh, we have.

SPEAKER_07 1:50

Why you staring at me?

SPEAKER_01 1:51

Why why why are you staring at me? Every time, every time I I get stuck on your name. I've been telling people that.

SPEAKER_07 1:58

I've been What are we gonna do?

SPEAKER_01 2:00

What are we gonna do, guys? What are we gonna do here? I've been telling people that every time. I don't know why I get stuck on Glenda's name, y'all. I don't know. It's I don't know. This is a I don't know either. I don't know any Glendas. That's maybe that's what I'm gonna do. Yes, you do.

SPEAKER_07 2:11

You know me. Right here.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

That's what's up. That's what's up.

SPEAKER_07 2:15

I'm gonna put it right here on the wall for you.

SPEAKER_01 2:17

I know, right? I'll probably need it. That's probably exactly what I need or whatever. Uh, but we got a lot to talk about, you guys, today. So um, actually, we're going to talk about. Let me see here. Let me see here. Let me see. Um, got quite a few things we're gonna be talking about. I'm trying to you need some help. Do everything, you know, I'm trying to do everything at one time or whatever. You know how that is. Me with off with 50 hands and and legs and all the type of stuff, whatever. Um, but yeah, but we're uh we're we're talking about active listening, basically. You know what I'm saying? We're talking about having a fight with someone and uh what happens after the fight with a relationship, stuff like that. We got uh history and blackness with Fat Boy. We're talking about um what's the name? History and blackness, fat boy? Cashmere Nicole. Cashmere Nicole. We got Cashmere Nicole, and then we got the gossip with shelves about your boy Bonnie. Uh what no, your girl.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

Bonnie is Jelly Rolling, Bonnie.

SPEAKER_01 3:17

Bonnie X, yeah. I don't know why he's flustered today, guys. Hey, I don't like coming in late, that's why. And I get I got a woo-sah. I got a whoossa.

SPEAKER_07 3:28

We got a woo-sa.

SPEAKER_01 3:29

Okay, all right. So uh let's let's get it started. Let's go in. We're gonna go into the main topic first.

Why Repairs Matter After Fights

SPEAKER_01 3:34

We're gonna talk about uh uh repairing after a fight, you know, and what to do afterward, you know. So we have our expert here, you know, Glenda's gonna give us a little outline of, you know, what's happening.

SPEAKER_07 3:45

What's what's I think fuel's the expert now because he remembered my name. So we're we're we're good. We're good. Um guys. Okay. So um what we're gonna talk about today is really kind of understanding why when some people fight hard, um, at the end they're stronger, and others it makes the the relationship weaker. Um, some things we can do about it, some things that don't work. Um as with all of this, you know, we're gonna throw a lot of information at you. So I suggest, you know, just grab on to the one thing that really you feel like you can move forward with. And saying thinking of one thing, we're gonna do this before you guys try to get out of it. Tell me about your sleep thing that you promised to do last week.

SPEAKER_01 4:30

Oh your phone.

SPEAKER_03 4:31

Oh I actually I did.

SPEAKER_01 4:35

I did you? I didn't really. I uh I did maybe a few days. I didn't do the full week.

SPEAKER_07 4:40

I did probably like four days, and then I consecutively or three or four days and I fell off the wagon.

SPEAKER_01 4:47

Okay, but it was ended up it wasn't a phone, though, it was more it was TV instead of a phone. All right, you know what I mean? Yeah, but uh, but yeah, I mean, and I feel it actually when I do that, I do sleep better. You know what I'm saying? I have recognized that, you know, realized that that's what so yeah.

SPEAKER_07 5:01

He thought he was gonna get away with it, you guys. This is a hard note. Shelby, you promised to do something. What was it?

SPEAKER_00 5:07

Okay, I did, but I kept my promise. So I did keep my phone. Um, I left it in uh in my bedroom and I went out to uh brush my horse and be out with my horse because I have a little cold and he's two years old. So he's in my back door.

SPEAKER_07 5:21

How was it for you? How was it for you leaving the phone behind?

SPEAKER_00 5:26

I think it was good because um I mean I usually take it out there just you know in case something happens because horses, you know, have a mind of their own. Makes sense also to listen to music because I love music as well. But um, I think it was nice just like having it in the in the house and just not having it on me.

SPEAKER_07 5:42

Great. So for those of you who oh Fabboy missed out and he didn't have to do anything. I know, right? He got lucky. You're gonna have to make up, dude. Okay. But for those of you who don't know what the heck we're talking about, um, last week's episode we talked about how lack of sleep um and taking technology to your, you know, bed with you like your whoopie um impacts your relationships. So go back and listen to that if you didn't hear it. All right, we can now officially move on to this week. All right. So, why do some couples, when they fight, get stronger and others not so much? Um, here's what we're not gonna talk about today. This is not an episode about how to fight better. That needs to be a whole nother podcast. So we'll learn how to do that later. Um, but it's really how to come back to each other after and and what kind of tools and things might um might help with that. So, you know, just kicking it right off, uh you three, tell me what is fighting with your significant other or a significant other or somebody close to you look like for you? Like, how does it usually shake out?

SPEAKER_01 6:50

Who wanna who wanna go first?

SPEAKER_00 6:54

Um it's very very hard for me. I'm a very emotional person, but also I've been going through this whole year and my nervous system has been like experiencing for the first time like a shutdown. If you if you I think it was um I think it was in the beginning of the year, I had a lot of stress, and I think my nervous system was kind of like this is enough. And so um I've been experiencing like shutdowns lately, and anytime like I've gotten in a fight with somebody close to me, which has happened more times than I'd like to admit this year. Um, I my nervous system just shuts down and I I it takes me a few days to recover.

SPEAKER_07 7:32

Hey, I know somebody can help you with that, Shelby.

SPEAKER_00 7:35

I would love to know.

SPEAKER_07 7:37

She's right here.

SPEAKER_00 7:39

She's right here. Right.

SPEAKER_07 7:41

She's right here. Bat boy, what you got?

SPEAKER_05 7:44

Um, I haven't had a debate in a relationship. I haven't been in a relationship so long, you all.

SPEAKER_07 7:51

It could be with somebody that just is is important to you, right? Like uh, you know, a parent or a sibling, or it doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic part.

SPEAKER_06 8:00

It depends, right? Um, and the reason why I say that it depends, it depends on how I'm triggered in the moment and how I'm able to process that trigger. So sometimes I'm able to process that trigger right away and be able to take a deep breath and use all of my training and of my tools. But sometimes it may be a level of embarrassment, right, that I've never seen before. And I may react unusual or maybe revert back to the my safe space prior to that. So it actually fluctuates. Now, my ideal way to respond in a confrontation or a um a situation or a riff with a family member or significant other is as you started the conversation with, as just being an active listener, right? And not listening, as Black Lith used to always say, not listening to respond, but listening to understand. And so I think having that ability helps me navigate to and through those difficult conversations that you will uh receive in those intimate relationships or those relationships with people that you care about. However, I'm learning the more I learn, the less control you have when you are hit by a lot of those triggers. And I learned that you have to essentially reach those negative points or not negative points, those situations where you don't do as well because then you learn from that and say, okay, here when I'm uncomfortable, I need to either not engage or I need to take a big breath, or I need to just actively listen and respond afterwards.

SPEAKER_07 9:42

Yeah, beautiful. Those are all great things for when we talk about how to manage, you know, the fight part better. Those are those fantastic stuff. So I think we've all been there, right? We we we argue with somebody, um, we're still in the same room, the tensions are high, one person sitting on the couch, one person's doing the dishes very loudly, right? And nobody knows what to say or who's supposed to go first or you know, any of that. And that's perfectly normal. Um, it's really, and Shelby, to your point, um, it's a really a nervous system issue. And when we are in that kind of a dysregulated nervous system place, it's really difficult to um to kind of know what to say, what to do next, where to go. Um, perfect, you know, perfectly normal.

Flooding And Taking A Real Break

SPEAKER_07 10:29

So what um the the official term that the Gottmans call is a diffuse psychological arousal called um DPA, also known as flooding. We're gonna call it flooding because it's a lot easier to say than diffuse psychological arousal. So what this what happens is that shutting down that you're talking about, um, Shelby, when you shut down like that, um, you are in a flooded state. And when you're in a flooded state, really your your heart rate spikes, it's usually past 100 beats per minute, your amygdala gets hijacked, um, and it just it goes into this fight or flight mode. Um, and it's in survival, it's not in trying to like have a nice fighting conversation, right? Um it's perfectly normal. So, what do we have to do about this? So, what really we need to do is we need to take a break. We need to go to our separate corners, right? But with the intention that we're coming back. You need at least 20 or 30 minutes. Say lean to 30, because then we're then we're pretty covered.

SPEAKER_01 11:34

In real time, though. In real time. In real time. In real time, though, sometimes you know, you get in heated conversations or whatever to the point where nobody's thinking about separating and taking that break, you know what I mean? And which of course allowed the arguments to escalate. And so basically you end up saying things because now that it escalated, you're not really listening, you're not hearing the other person or whatever. You know, uh, I don't know if there's some sort of exercise that you're, you know, maybe can can uh uh help us out with when when it comes to that to help us recognize it, you know what I'm saying? I wonder if that I mean if there's something like that or whatever. I mean, what do you guys what do you guys think?

SPEAKER_07 12:17

I mean, do we know when we're like just kind of fighting and getting nowhere? Most of us know, right? Like we're just arguing to argue.

SPEAKER_02 12:26

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_07 12:27

Um, that is your clue, right? But I think the important part is when you are not fighting with the person that you care about is the time to say, hey, here's what's happening. We're we're it's flooding. We need to agree that when one of us gets to that point, that it is safe for us to say, We need to we need to take a break. And we are gonna come back in 30 minutes.

unknown 12:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 12:53

Right. So you don't want to do this in the middle of the fight because that doesn't work, right? Then it's like, don't tell me what to do, or whatever. So, you know, you you need to do it when everything's calm and say, this is what's happening, so that you know it's safe for you to tell me if we're in a fight, not that we're gonna ever fight because I'm gonna always win, just you know that it's safe for me to say, hey, I'm feeling flooded right now. I need to take 20 minutes. Well, can we reconvene back at 6 30? Right. Right. And that and if you do that ahead of time, you know, your body knows that you are fighting.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

Yeah, but sometimes you you can't, you you're not thinking of being that uh uh calm or or rational in the midst of it. You know what I mean? Uh I mean, I have learned though myself. I've learned how to basically like, okay, just kind of let it fade out, but it's not a good thing to let it fade out and not reconvene.

SPEAKER_04 13:44

That's correct.

SPEAKER_01 13:45

The calm, you know, the conversation on a calmer uh uh note. That's correct.

SPEAKER_07 13:50

Yeah, because when you're just letting it fade out, it's not getting resolved, right? So, you know, that's that's not really the solution. Um, but you know, when you feel that your blood pressure is rising, when you feel like, you know, they say emotions high, intelligence low, when you just feel like you can't think of something good to say, you're kind of spinning around in circles and circles and circles.

SPEAKER_04 14:12

Right.

SPEAKER_07 14:13

Those are kind of clues that you need a minute.

SPEAKER_04 14:16

Right.

SPEAKER_07 14:16

You need a minute, right? And the best thing you can do is take that minute. But your point, Feel, you have to come back.

unknown 14:23

Right.

SPEAKER_07 14:24

You have to come back. You can't be like, okay, we're gonna go to our corners and then you just forget about it and push it under the rug, right? That does not solve the problem. Right. Right. Um okay, so does that sound like something that you would feel comfortable? And we could act this, ask this the listeners if there's anybody's out there um joining us, comfortable in having a conversation prior to you fighting to say, yeah, learn this thing, right? When when we're in this kind of like battle, what's happening is we're becoming flooded.

SPEAKER_06 14:58

Yeah, but I think you would have to, I'm sorry to cut you off. Yeah, no, no, no, you're good. Um, I think you would kind of even have to know what the flooding looks like for you, right? And I so I think, uh I guess because I wasn't seeing black women, uh, in order to be a good, to be a good couple, you have to be a good single, right? And which means that you have to have um you have to have these tools and this understanding before you go to the to the argument, right? And understand that, hey, I'm overheating, right? We I'm flooding, which is causing us to flood, right? And being able to put the pen in there. You made a great point, but I think the, I think the the individual has to have an idea prior to the converse, prior to the relationship, and then going into the conversation, like, hey, when you hit below the belt here, I get a little trigger, and it's hard for me to put the pen in here. You get what I'm saying? And being able to be very transparent because it's easy to to to to like kind of like feel said, it's kind of easy to say, put a pen in it, but if I don't know where I'm flooding at, because I'm learning, right? We all learn you don't know where you're flooded at and how you're gonna respond once you're flooded, right? I think learning that before you even enter into that argument.

SPEAKER_07 16:16

So I think what's the best part. I think we're we're um, yeah, so flooding is really a physical reaction, right? Your heart beats faster, you start feeling like sometimes like the the the wind kind of cloudy, like which is different than somebody triggering you by saying something and and you being activated, right? Which can pick you into flooding.

SPEAKER_06 16:42

Hey, that's that's that's the point that I'm making, right? Um, and not to cut you off, yeah. There's nuances into arguments, right? In the midst of a person flooding, they could be triggering me, and now I'm right, and so those things, I'm just trying to be more specific, and to be able to counteract those issues, you have to have the knowledge of self first.

SPEAKER_07 17:07

Yeah, you do you do have to know what what what um what's happening in your body. It doesn't you you might be flooded and the other person not, right? They might be coming at it from a different place. And it doesn't matter if you both are or one or the other of you is what matters is is if you can recognize it in your body and take that break and agree, this is the important part, to come back, try again, right? But that's how we start making movement after you know, after the fact. Because we're talking we're not talking about how we how do we deal with it in the minute. We're talking about how do we repair because we've already we've already been fighting. We're not fighting good right now, right? We're fighting. So how can we how can we use this as a tool to take a break, to go settle your nervous system? They go settle theirs if they need to. And we come back and we try again with tools that we learn about how to fight right, right? Which is another episode, right? We're gonna do that in another episode. So um, so you know, if somebody comes back and they try to repair, it might look like something like, you know, really, I'm sorry, that, you know, can we start over? Might be something, right? Or placing a hand on somebody's shoulder, just you know, it mid mid-fight might be a way to, you know, bring it down. Um, being able to say, I feel really defensive right now. Can we slow this down? Right. Sometimes humor helps. Humor is a tricky thing because sometimes humor can be perceived as lack of caring, or you're laughing at the other person, or you don't take this seriously. And and so you gotta really be really careful with your who you're who you're dealing with, right? Sometimes it's great and sometimes it's not great, right? Humor.

SPEAKER_00 18:48

So yeah, I think to your, I think to all of your points that it's a bit like when the first time I experienced a nervous shutdown, I didn't know my body was experiencing, and it took me a while and going to therapy to realize what was happening in my body. Yeah, I think that processing for a few days for me, like it takes I'm a slow, like I take a while to process things. So I think I'm slower on that end. So I think, yeah, realizing what's happening in your body is like really important. And then I feel like it's different with everybody, like that boy was saying, like, you know, maybe 30 minutes is good for some people where I take a few days.

SPEAKER_07 19:25

Well, processing what's going on is kind of different than getting yourself out of the flooded state.

SPEAKER_00 19:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 19:32

Right. So processing can take a long time. Could take five minutes, could take months.

SPEAKER_00 19:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 19:37

Right. Um, so that's kind of different, but you feel your body coming down when you take that time to, you know, let the heartbeat slow down. Like you you feel it, right? You feel, you feel different. And so you want to be in that state and then come back.

SPEAKER_00 19:54

Right. Yeah, that makes sense.

SPEAKER_07 19:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 19:56

I would like to know when you're I would like to know when how not to get to that point.

SPEAKER_07 20:03

Yeah, well, yes. I mean, that's that's a lot of the work that that I do. Um, some of it comes from your attachment style, right? What is activating you and how can you how can we reprogram your your neurosystem, right? To to not have that thing be something that activates you. Um it's all it's all great work. Um simple, not easy, right? Simple but not easy.

SPEAKER_00 20:31

But yeah, it's all very interesting to me.

SPEAKER_07 20:33

Oh, fascinating.

SPEAKER_01 20:34

I I've got a question for all of us. Um have any one of us ever had like um a disagreement where the repair actually strengthened the relationship? You know, you have the disagreement with your uh significant other and stuff like that or whatever, and then you know, I mean, basically just strengthen your relationship. And if so, like how what did you do to actually, you know, get to that point?

SPEAKER_07 21:02

I'm gonna let you guys go first because I got one for you, but my boy.

SPEAKER_06 21:08

Okay, um, I got an easy one. My brother, rest in peace. We I got into like an actual physical altercation. And then how we resolved the altercation was actually conversing and realizing that other people were kind of responsible, not directly for our actions, but loosely, right? Just kind of he say, she say. And um, it was actually the first time I before therapy, it was the first time I actually had a man-to-man conversation, an uncomfortable conversation. And I we grew to be like best, best friends. We hung out all the time after that. Um, and our up until he passed away, our bond was unique uh because of that moment that we shared. We we shared a level of vulnerability and transparency with each other. So, yes, that I have experienced that.

SPEAKER_07 22:02

Hang on, fat boy. We don't hear you.

SPEAKER_04 22:04

You couldn't hear me?

SPEAKER_07 22:05

And I'm sure you were saying something fascinating.

SPEAKER_02 22:07

No, no, no.

SPEAKER_01 22:09

We heard the last one. We heard the last one. I just thought for some reason it just kind of like fades out on YouTube.

SPEAKER_00 22:15

We're having techno difficulties today.

SPEAKER_01 22:18

Well, yeah, it's on you guys in the mics because it's just regular you use your phone. Oh, okay. At least I'm blaming it on y'all, not me.

SPEAKER_07 22:26

Yeah. Can't possibly be found with it.

SPEAKER_01 22:31

That's so funny. That's so funny. No, that's all good. Uh okay, so Linda, you say you had?

SPEAKER_07 22:37

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I can tell you that um I've done a lot of this work, right? Which is amazing. Um, and every time I go to repair and I am vulnerable and I share what's how something really impacted me without blaming the other person, right? Just like when this happened, this is how it landed for me. Every time it has strengthened the relationship, um, there's not been a single time that it hasn't. So, you know, it's being feeling safe enough to not judge yourself for feeling a certain way or thinking that this is silly or maybe I shouldn't feel this way, or maybe I shouldn't say it, or maybe I'm wrong, or any of that, right? When you we start like kind of gaslighting ourselves, um, it it prevents us from being vulnerable and being honest. And so when we can, if we are in a safe relationship and we can be honest, if we aren't, if we can be honest and they don't reciprocate, you know, then maybe it's not the right right relationship, right? But but when you do, um, every time it has been it is strengthened.

SPEAKER_01 23:48

So have you ever um have you ever say some of the tools that you basically you know teach? Have you ever not caught yourself, you know what I'm saying, using the tools yourself?

SPEAKER_07 24:01

A thousand percent.

SPEAKER_01 24:02

How did you I'm a human? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how did you yeah? So how did you like, did you like just kind of cut the conversation and and go and then kind of think about it? Or did you, you know what I mean? Just how did you Yeah?

SPEAKER_07 24:13

So I I I try to get in the habit of going back and really using um, okay, what actually happened here?

Nonviolent Communication For Repairs

SPEAKER_07 24:22

So there's something called um non violent, this is a weird name for it, but it non-violent communication, um, where you go back and you're like, what actually happened? You know, Joe said these five words to me. Right. How did it make me feel? What was I feeling? Not was I not was I thinking about it because what I when I think about what I was I think about, it's like, well, he doesn't care that much. And if he really cared, he wouldn't do that. You know, right. So what did I feel? I felt like hurt or sad or ashamed or what have you. Um, what, you know, what did I need? What did I need in that moment? I needed to know that we were okay, right?

SPEAKER_04 24:56

Right, right.

SPEAKER_07 24:56

Um, and so when I go back and think about it again, not in a flooded state, but when I go back and I really just take the time to be like, okay, let's let's look at the facts here. This is these are the words, or this is what happened. What else might it have meant? Did I ask? What did you mean by that? Right. Like, and so then I can go back with a clearer head and clarify. Like, I heard you say this, and this is how I took it. I took it that you don't want to spend time with me. Right. What did you really mean? Right? Because that was hurtful.

SPEAKER_04 25:26

Right, right.

SPEAKER_07 25:27

Right. So, what what were you meaning by that? Oh, I was meaning that I'm really tired and I've got a heavy workload and I can't do it right now, but I'm happy to spend time with you on Saturday. Like, right? It's it's the yes. So yes, we get activated when by our attachment style and what we think somebody's um words or actions or whatever mean before we actually find out what they mean. And that's the hurtful part, right? Or the defensive part or the you know, so so yes, going back afterwards and really thinking through it, like what really just happened here.

SPEAKER_01 25:59

But what would you say about about people that would say something that they can never come back for?

SPEAKER_07 26:07

Painful.

SPEAKER_01 26:07

That's you know, that's the that's the that's the thing, especially in a in a uh heated discussion in a relationship, you know what I mean? They may say something that was so hurtful that they can't take it back because that person, at least like I know myself, I like if you say something to me, I I think because you've been thinking about it for a while. Or you or you've you know it's probably been something that you've been wanting to say for a minute and you know, you waited to this moment to get it off, you know, but yet even if you didn't like or want to hurt my feelings or feel like it was too harsh once it came out of your mouth, you know, it's kind of hard to forget that and take it back. So how do you, you know, especially in the relationships, you know what I'm saying? Because now you're thinking about, you know, okay, we went here, is you know, when do you know that the relationship probably is over when it comes to you know well, there's not a one-word answer for that question.

SPEAKER_07 27:02

That's that's right. Like when they say five, you know it's over. No. Um, okay, so a couple things here. So what I'm hearing you say is I am assuming if you say these this nasty thing to me, my brain is assuming that you've been thinking about this for a long time. That's a thought, that's not a fact, right? Your thinking that they've been thinking this for a long time is going to compound the impact for you, right? What if that wasn't true? What if it was the way that their mind and their body thought that what they needed to do to protect themselves from whatever was going on in their mind? And it really had nothing to do with right. They're protecting themselves, right? Because that's what our that's what our mind does, right? We got to keep ourselves safe. So without having the conversation and saying, hey, when you said X, Y, Z to me, that was extremely painful. And what I was making it mean was you've been thinking about this relationship not being great for a long time. This has been on your mind, and you know, it impacted me because I've invested a lot of time and I really care about you and whatever. What did you mean by that? What was the reason behind why you said that? Right? Which is most people don't do that part. We just think we know and we act based on that, right? Right. Um, so you know, is it possible they've been thinking about it for a long time and then they were trying to hurt you and get out of it? Yes, it's possible. And don't you want to know to actually want to know that? That's the fact. Yes, you do, because then you know maybe it's time to move out, right? So it's funny what our brain does in terms of making meaning out of things before we actually know what they mean. Right. Right. And that's that's what hurts us. That's what we re- respond off of, right? Um, you know, if you grew up in a in a um environment where you felt like you were gonna be abandoned all the time for whatever reasons, and somebody says something that's negative that makes you then feel somatically in your body that you're gonna be abandoned, you're gonna take it really hard.

SPEAKER_01 29:05

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right? True, true.

SPEAKER_04 29:07

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:09

Uh, we got Nick Nick. I see you, Nick, Nick, out there. Go ahead and get in the conversation. I know you you probably got questions about, especially uh in relationships, you know, repairing after a fight. Uh I know you need, I know you need some of this. I know you need some. Talk to us, talk to us. Uh, what else we got? What else we got?

SPEAKER_07 29:28

Well, hi Nick, by the way.

SPEAKER_01 29:30

So there's that. Yeah, right, right, right.

SPEAKER_07 29:33

Um, okay, so let's let's review the the nonverbal or the nonviolent communication. So what actually happened, right? This is when you have time to like settle, sit down, like you you and I talked about, like not in that moment. You can't think straight in that moment.

unknown 29:47

Right.

SPEAKER_07 29:48

So what actually happened? What was I feeling? Fat boy, I'm gonna, we're gonna practice. You and I are gonna practice, okay?

SPEAKER_06 29:54

Uh uh.

SPEAKER_07 29:55

Pretend like we pretend like we just got in a really big fight.

SPEAKER_02 29:58

What'd you say, Fat Boy?

SPEAKER_07 30:00

You and I just got in a really big fight, okay. And you know, I I um you texted me and I didn't get back to you for like, or let's go the other way. I we text I texted you and you didn't get back to me for like four hours. Okay. And uh my mind was thinking things, right? So I'm like, what's going on? So what I what the uh observation was is when you didn't respond in four hours, not what I'm making it mean. What a lot of people do, like he hasn't responded in four hours, he obviously doesn't care that much, right? So when you didn't respond in four hours, I felt anxious and hurt. Okay, so that's the feeling. What I needed was I needed to know that we were okay. So my request for you would be if you're like knee deep in work, can you just shoot me a quick text and let me know so that I know I'm not making it mean you don't care about me. That's kind of a tool, right? That we would use. The other is Oh, hold on, let's back up. Hold on, hold on. Back up. Oh, we're gonna play. We're gonna play. Let's go, my friend.

SPEAKER_01 31:07

Just lie through that because I've been through that. Okay, let's go. Um, and it's not, I at least I feel it's not necessarily about me not caring or me not, you know, uh don't want not wanting to respond. It's probably because I was too busy to respond.

SPEAKER_07 31:26

A hundred percent.

SPEAKER_01 31:27

And and the person that I'm responding to, one, to me, I feel would have to understand, especially with my line of work or whatever, and what I do, and you know, understand that I'm gonna I'm gonna get back with you, you know. I mean, because I basically explain I'll get back with you as soon as it, you know, whatever's going on, whatever is not intentional. You know what I mean? So is there so another, you know, is there another way that someone or not uh how well how do you fix that? How do you fix that? Because basically, you know, it's nothing intentional. It's just basically, you know, I don't have time, I I looked down, I probably, you know, had a, you know, especially with me, I'm talking to people all day, customers and all that or whatever.

SPEAKER_07 32:10

Makes perfect sense, right? So it makes perfect sense. The person in this scenario, if it's if this person that you're talking to, talking about, right, was upset because you didn't get back to them in a timely fashion, they are anxious, they need reassurance, right? So this is kind of a you you have to negotiate, right? You have to sit down, you have to negotiate, and you have to say, look, this relationship's important to me. I care about you. I when I'm at work and I'm trying to sell a car or doing a whatever or some talking to people or having a meeting or whatever, I am I'm like in it. I'm in it. I may not have, I may not be able to get back to you as quickly as you're wanting.

SPEAKER_04 32:49

Right.

SPEAKER_07 32:50

And that doesn't mean I don't care.

unknown 32:52

Right.

SPEAKER_07 32:52

So what I will promise to you is that before the end of the day, whatever you guys agree to, you and I will talk. When you know you can commit to that, right? You come to an agreement of I might not be able to respond in 10 minutes, but I promise you, if this is what we agree upon, that before I go to sleep at night, you and I are gonna sync up and we're gonna talk and we're gonna ask about how our day is.

SPEAKER_01 33:18

So what if that's not say for us to if they don't agree?

SPEAKER_07 33:21

Well, you have to come to something you do agree to.

SPEAKER_01 33:23

Like, what if they don't agree?

SPEAKER_07 33:24

If they're like you have to respond to me in 10 minutes, that's not something you can do. And that's not a that's not a fuel problem, right?

SPEAKER_01 33:30

That's some work that they need to do on is there is there some part of insecurity with that? Yeah, yeah, my question.

SPEAKER_06 33:38

Yeah, my question would be wouldn't they, isn't there there a deeper reason for the anxiousness though? Yes, yes, yes. So I think instead of just correcting the anxiousness, right? Why wouldn't we because now if I'm in this relationship, then as the boyfriend, I'm gonna ask, What well, what gives you anxiety when I'm not answering? Do you think that I'm cheating? Do you think right? Because there's not you can do it right, yeah. There's a there's a mean underlying meaning to the anxiety because anxiety is a feeling, yeah. And so it's usually triggered or or it's coming from a place. So before I understand why you were announcing the anxiety, but we also, if we're trying to really get to the solution, right, we want to address the anxiety as well, because the anxiety is leading to a greater issue, and that's gonna keep coming up, and then we can come to the conclusion at the end and say to assist with this anxiety, right?

SPEAKER_07 34:39

So we can talk about it 100%. But here's the thing I think we need to think about is that sometimes the person who's anxious, like in this case, doesn't know maybe they don't think you're cheating, maybe they feel like they're gonna be left or they're not wanted or they're not being and they don't really know what it is, right? And so you might not be able to sort out where the anxiety is coming from. So coming to an agreement of what's something that you can live with? Are you okay if I, you know, call you at six o'clock when I get off of work? Or are you, you know, how can we come to some so that they and you do that, like you do something that you can commit to, right? That helps to calm the nervous system to where at some point they can get to a point where you can have the conversation of, yeah, I'm realizing that, you know, I've you know, feeling like people always leave me.

SPEAKER_01 35:33

Or my thing is is I don't want to feel like I need to hurry up and do this before they feel a certain way.

SPEAKER_06 35:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:40

I have to hurry up and do that every time before something happens. You know what I mean? Yeah. I don't know.

SPEAKER_06 35:44

And that would create anxiety for you.

SPEAKER_01 35:46

Exactly. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_07 35:48

And so at what point in the middle do we kind of mean the well, and this is where we have to we have to come to an agreement, right? We have to you have to say, like, I'm really busy at work. I care about you. This relationship is important to me. I want us to continue on. Um, it's not always possible for me to reach out in the middle of the day. It doesn't have anything to do with how much I care. What what you know, how can we meet somewhere that works for both of us? Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 36:11

You know, yeah, for me, I have an anxious attachment style. So I feel like if somebody just communicates that they're just like, oh, busy, like I may know they're busy, but if they don't respond for like the whole day, like in my experience, I don't like necessarily think they're cheating. I just think that like, oh my gosh, my nervous system is kicking in that I'm gonna be a bandit again. Like, and I don't actually believe that, but that's what like my body is telling me.

SPEAKER_07 36:35

That's what your body tells you. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 36:36

Well, a whole day too. I mean, if that that's that's understandable. It's like, I mean, that's the discussion you have. Like, if you're talking about a whole day and not hearing from someone, then you know I'm saying I can understand that you need to have that discussion or whatever. But if you're talking about a couple of hours, a few hours when you know that they're somewhere or doing something, you know.

SPEAKER_00 36:55

Yeah, I don't think I panic with a few hours, but if it's more than like five hours, I definitely like the panic sets in for me. Like in my previous relationship, I felt really secure, but like one day he didn't respond for like it was quite a while. I don't remember exact the exact like time.

SPEAKER_01 37:11

What was the what was what was the response when you told him?

SPEAKER_00 37:13

Like, what when you told him that was he uh Yeah, I kind of just didn't really voice it because it was in the beginning of the relationship, and I did voice it later on, and I was like, Hey, but he I didn't really need to like a lot later because he was pretty good after that, but it was still the beginning relationship, so I didn't really like feel like it was my place at that point to be like, Hey, you need to communicate better, but then he started communicating better, so it all like it worked out, but I did like mention I'm like I you know, I'm kind of an anxious attachment style, so if you could just like check in every once in a while, it just makes me feel like that.

SPEAKER_01 37:46

You told you told him that at the beginning?

SPEAKER_00 37:49

No, I told him a little bit later on, like when we were not so bad.

SPEAKER_01 37:53

Is that something is that something though that that that should be able to discuss at the beginning about it? That's a personality trait, right?

SPEAKER_07 38:02

Well, it's a learn it's a learned a a learned way that we from childhood, right?

Attachment Styles And Texting Triggers

SPEAKER_07 38:08

We learned how to get our needs met or what was what we had to do to be safe, what um, you know, what love looked like. Um and so we all have we all have an attachment style, right? And they're different, you know. And so when we look at somebody who's anxious versus somebody who's avoidant, avoidant feels like they've they've had to just do it all on their own, right? They don't they are not worried necessarily about um somebody leaving them because they've have to figure it out, like they've had to figure it out, right? They didn't get the emotional needs met or the emotional, they didn't have those kind of conversations when they were growing up, right? Versus versus anxious may have gotten that, may have been um unpredictable. Sometimes you get a lot of love, sometimes you don't get a lot of love. You're like, what does this look like? How do I, you know, how do I know when love's coming or not coming? You know, it's kind of inconsistent. So imagine, if you will, you're a person who isn't really comfortable with sharing emotions because you didn't grow up that way. You've just had to deal with it on your own. You dealt with things, everything's fine, you're just, you know, you're doing the thing, and you're with somebody who's super anxious who needs reassurance because it's been very inconsistent for them.

SPEAKER_04 39:19

Right.

SPEAKER_07 39:20

Right. They haven't gotten love on a consistent basis. They don't know what it looks like. They're leaning in and it makes you feel like you need to lean out, right? Right. So, you know, knowing that was one thing, but then having the conversation, being able to have a conversation, and it's kind of hard to do if you don't have the tools to have a conversation to say, look, this is where where I'm coming from, right? And they're like, Well, this is where I'm coming from. So this is the work that I do, right? Because people need to be able to understand what makes them tick and how do we rewire it so it feels safer for Shelby to wait six hours instead of four, right? For you to not feel if you're um avoidant to you for you to not feel like you're being smothered or being asked to to you know show up more often than you're comfortable. It it's a dance, right? Right, right. It's a dance.

SPEAKER_00 40:12

Yeah, Glenn, I love that we're talking about this because I've been doing a lot of like research and learning about the different attachment styles. And I, you know, I've realized that I'm an anxious attacher and I've I've done a lot better. Like I've worked a lot on myself, but I've always wanted founding like my past relationships. They've all been avoidant guys that I've picked. I don't know if that's like a subconscious thing. I would love to like dive deeper into that one day.

SPEAKER_07 40:36

But we'll we definitely should we definitely should hit these hard, but it's very common.

SPEAKER_00 40:41

Very common for those two to like personally, I didn't feel safe, like you're speaking about in my childhood. I didn't feel safe with um my stepdad. So um, and I only had my mom because my dad died when it was like two months. Kind of too deep for today, but just a little inside of the back of my story. And that's I feel like that's how my anxious attachment style was kind of um formed, to be honest.

SPEAKER_07 41:03

Yeah, makes perfect sense, right? And until you yeah, until you have um the support that you need and the and the tools to be able to kind of reprogram that, your body responds before your brain does, right?

SPEAKER_00 41:17

Like your body's like, this is not safe, and you know, then then it gets followed up with maybe things you didn't necessarily want to say or Yeah, in my last relationship, you know, I thought I felt safe, and then I want to, you know, in the end, he like left and I was like, that just destroyed me because I was like, I finally let my guard down. I finally felt my nervous system felt safe, and then you know, he just left again, and that abandonment just kicked right back in. And I felt like all the work I did was kind of just like went down the drain, to be honest.

SPEAKER_07 41:47

Yeah, it's painful.

SPEAKER_00 41:49

Okay, really painful.

SPEAKER_01 41:52

All right, guys. We got we got we're gonna wrap this one up. You wanna wrap it up? Yeah, this one up and we're gonna get into our next topic. Uh go ahead, wrap it, wrap

What Does Not Work After Conflict

SPEAKER_01 42:01

it up.

SPEAKER_07 42:01

Okay, I'm gonna let we'll just I'm gonna say a couple things that that do not work, okay? So y'all know. So the non-apology apology. Okay, when somebody's like, I'm sorry you felt that way. That's that's not that's apologizing not for their part, but that you feel something. Sorry, you don't feel happy about what's going on right now.

SPEAKER_01 42:24

I think I might have used that before.

SPEAKER_07 42:27

That's most of us have.

SPEAKER_01 42:28

That's not an actual repair to because because I don't want if I don't want somebody to feel a certain way, and I made them feel a certain way, I am apologetic about making them feel that way.

SPEAKER_07 42:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 42:40

That makes sense.

SPEAKER_07 42:41

So yes, but you can't really make somebody feel a certain way.

SPEAKER_01 42:45

Right.

SPEAKER_07 42:46

That's their thinking that makes them think. Right. Right. So really the and I and I think fuel um Fat Boy. Fat boy, sorry. My brain is like, I need coffee. Fat boy was saying, see, you don't I don't know your name either, your name either. Anyways, I don't know if you're whatever, okay. Whatever. Um Fat Boy was um saying how you know you you don't know kind of what's gonna trigger, you don't know where it's gonna come from, you don't like all of that kind of just smoothes together until you can dissect it from really like a watcher standpoint, not you being in it, right? This is very common, but when you're trying to repair after a fight, saying, I'm sorry you felt that way really is kind of condescending, right? In a way, it's not really like how can how can we figure out how to make this better? It's not really saying that. Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 43:39

Okay, and that's kind of where you can get it.

SPEAKER_07 43:41

Okay, you guys are gonna be bummed about this, but making up without talking through it. So, you know, sex, humor, affection, that is not the way to repair after a fight. I like it. Might be fun, it might be fun, you might enjoy it, but it just the next time you have an argument, you're just kind of landing more. on that same bruise. Okay. So we have to repair it.

SPEAKER_01 44:02

And then try and a lot of people do that. A hundred percent. Yeah. You know, they try to, you know, do sex or you know, romance, whatever, to discover the wound.

SPEAKER_07 44:13

And it's not solving.

SPEAKER_01 44:14

It's always going to be it's going to be there.

SPEAKER_07 44:15

Right. It's going to feel good in the moment, but then you know trying to fix it while you're flooded. So really like knowing when you're flooded, that's not the time to fix. You've got to you've got to go your separate ways. The other one that doesn't work and everybody's using a lot is therapy speak. So if I'm saying do you feel you know it sounds like you're really dysregulated right now. Maybe you need to go do something about that and then we can come back and talk later. That also does not work.

SPEAKER_04 44:41

Right, right. Because it's make it worse it makes it it makes it worse, right?

SPEAKER_07 44:46

So our takeaways nervous system, we need to bring it back down so that flooding, we take our time away, right? Repair attempts can be very tiny. So after the fight, you know, just you know like hand on the shoulder like I said or uh I'm, you know, I'm sorry can we can we try again? Like that didn't come out the way that I wanted it to, right? Owning your piece of it is huge. Like you don't have to own the whole argument. But I guarantee you there's a part of it that that you can own, right? So owning that piece and then it you know making sure that makeup sex is not the answer to it. Yeah. So there we have it. Lots more where that came from.

SPEAKER_01 45:25

Cool, cool cool. Also we want our listeners to think about this. What's harder for you admitting you're wrong or forgiving someone who hurts you. So you guys out there is listening, you know, hitting us in the comments. Let me know what you think about that. And we're going to go on to the next, to the next one, to the next one of we got a celebrity deal going on here. Shelves always got the news on it. So let's go ahead and tell what what's going on in the in the celebrity news these days.

Jelly Roll And Bunny XO Relationship Rumors

SPEAKER_00 45:56

Thanks, Bill. Yeah today um I'm going to talk about Jelly Roll and Bunny XO, their divorce um I felt like it was a good topic because it kind of goes in line with our topic today that we picked as far as like communication and um how you know relationships can affect your mental health. And then they they kind of found each other and they explained um that they kind of saved each other through their marriage um and Jelly's daughter as well because they were both doing drugs when they met um and their daughter kind of got them clean. So they've had they've been together for like 10 years at a 10 year marriage built basically a dynasty together and Jelly you know created his career. He's top charting artist right now and then he lost a bunch of weight recently. So there's been just a lot of rumors spiling around um why they're getting divorced.

SPEAKER_04 47:02

Right.

SPEAKER_00 47:03

And um I watched Bunny's podcast because she's a podcast as well and she kind of shut down all those rumors saying that um you know they weren't getting divorced um what like everybody thought was like the they thought that they cheated. They thought that it was because um all these sorts of things and so all the rumors basically she said weren't true. But the one thing that is true she's pregnant and they're still gonna have the baby together um but they are getting divorced and Bunny explained that one thing that kind of made them grow apart was communication and actually to your point Glenda that she was really flooded one day when they got an argument around Mother's Day she explained and um she said let's get a divorce so then Jelly went and filed a divorce and then she was like oh my gosh kind of blindsided a little bit because you know she was like I said that in the moment where I was flooded basically um but how did that get to the social media though?

SPEAKER_01 48:11

I mean that how did that get out about that? You know what I mean? If you mean something I don't that's one thing about social media it's like what do you why it how did it get out about them being or wanting to get a divorce or whatever if you really didn't want that.

SPEAKER_00 48:26

No exactly I um she explained on her podcast that's how that part got out but all the I don't know how this yeah I don't know how the rumors speculated but that's why she set up the podcast because she wanted to know all the rumors um that were going around the internet and she basically said the internet's a liar um but the one thing was true that she is pregnant. They tried IBF for years um and lost several embryos together but she is pregnant and they said they're gonna raise the baby together. They're still best friends she said she will ride hard for him basically forever and they're still best friends and she you know shows deep love for him um but she said you know some people are just meant to go on their own path. So I feel like I want to ask you guys like why I mean how do you think this weighs on their mental health being in the public eye so much and um yeah what do you guys think?

SPEAKER_01 49:25

Oh okay I I I think it shows a lot of maturity mentally for them. You know they didn't let social media uh dictate what they were going to do or or how they break up is going to go whatever the case would be say for instance you know her having a baby and everything and you know doing the typical uh uh separation and arguments and baby mama drama baby daddy drama type of thing you know I I commend them for being adults and still being cool as friends just feel like realize that that maybe certain things just didn't match up and work right or whatever and they rather have a better life or or or be a happier in life doing you know their separate thing than being together and still can be cool with you know what I mean and and I'm not saying I could be cool with you still no matter if we break up if we're cool we're cool if it's genuine friends it's genuine love it's it's gonna be there. You know what I mean? But if if it's on some you know uh uh you only with me just because type of thing then no you know so it I don't think it's gonna uh uh work out you know but I rather have that type of uh uh uh genuine uh relationship like they did or whatever than to have a a messy breakup you know what I'm saying yeah especially when you in the line life and in the in the uh uh uh uh social media and then all that type of stuff that's that's my take that's my take on it your five cents that's my five so um I I I kind of um second what fuel said and I you know I think relationships are hard right I I don't if if somebody tells you they're not they're lying right right they're hard they take a lot of compromise they take a lot of learning to communicate like they're they're just it's not you know even the best ones are not easy being in um the limelight the you know being celebrities it just compounds that so you know you can even you can't I mean I can't even imagine like you know for the average folk it's really it's really difficult.

SPEAKER_07 51:32

Um so you know bravo to them and also not every relationship's meant to last forever. And that's okay that's okay right and if we can be okay with that um that there was a you know a time that it worked and then there's a time that it doesn't you know did they try everything?

SPEAKER_06 51:54

I don't know I don't know them so right but if they're they're in agreement that you know this has come to its end right that's okay yeah bad boy you got something on that yeah I'm gonna second everything everyone else said uh great job everyone um yeah it is definitely relationships are extremely tough in private let alone um in the public so what I am proud of is that they handled it like adults it didn't get spicy um they weren't slandering each other they handled it professionally with class so I respect it and um like Glenda said sometimes you know every relationship isn't you know meant to be or it's not gonna last and that's okay you know we all know that and we've all experienced it so shout out to them um I pray that they find what they're looking for and I also hope that they find peace in their situation.

SPEAKER_00 52:58

Yeah I think the biggest takeaway from that is what I wanted to point out was just the the um respect and the love that they have for each other and how maturely they've handled it especially in the public eye and wanting to shut down rumors you know I think is a good thing that she did on her podcast. So everybody has like the story from her but yeah I commend them and respect them as well and I do hope they find happiness.

SPEAKER_01 53:24

I think that um one thing is also that she was saying it has you know destroyed her basically but she is she's wanting to like encourage women as well to like you know you can go find yourself again you know she's not like 20 anymore but she's like I I can still find a new life you know and she's like wanting to encourage people to go find love still and you know reinvent yourself and you know she's moving forward instead of um you know saying you know my life is over basically so I think that they handled it really well yeah and I I I think that that um that conversation or relation spotlight that we have with them today actually really goes well in SIG with what we're talking about you know uh I thought so you know what I'm saying yeah basically uh yeah I think it it goes well with it you know because um it's after the fight after their fight you know what I mean what did you do well how did you handle it or whatever and this is how they handle it so this is a positive you know uh uh uh uh aspect of this type of situation yeah where everybody should be able to learn from it you know from what we've been you know uh talking about lately I mean everybody should be able to learn that for you know from that um and instead of let's learn all the extra drama and the extra crazy stuff you know with you know what I mean because that's always that's what we always end up getting in the social media you know yeah something like this positive especially when it comes to relationships especially when it comes to us you know talking about uh mental health and everything or whatever this is one of the examples you guys can see that you know it can actually work it can actually happen you know what I mean you just gotta take your time think about it be mature about things or whatever and it'll work out yeah that's exactly why I wanted to spotlight it today I also think it's like sad you know if you're in a relationship for that that many years as they were 10 years together I mean that's that's a whole decade you know that they spent together and then you just you know you never see each other again I think it's sad you know just from personal experience you know letting go of someone you love and you never see that person again I think that you know it's really great that they still are looking out for each other even though they're not going to be married. Um bunny she's actually moving she's moving into the house they are building together they built like a farm and she's bringing two girlfriends right that was kind of cool but yeah it sounds like this is an example of the repair made them stronger but it doesn't mean you stay together right like it doesn't mean that's exactly it's all gonna be great like like it was right exactly exactly different it's a different kind of good okay guys on that note we're gonna go ahead and take it on out with my boy fat boy with history and blackness y'all know what time it is you know we got this week man I know we got do you know I know we didn't have to dig too far in the crate for this I said we didn't have to dig too far in the crates for this one can you

Cashmere Nicole And Beauty Bakerie

SPEAKER_01 56:36

hear me?

SPEAKER_06 56:36

Yeah yeah yeah we can hear you all right before I start talking you know how you do over there um no today you all welcome to another segment of history and blackness uh we got a special one a a youngster on our history back and she may be one of the youngest ones we've talked about so far um today we'll be talking about uh cashmere and Nicole Cashmere Nicole is an American entrepreneur nurse and black leader best known as the founder of the cosmetic company Beauty Bakery raised in South Bend Indiana Nicole overcame significant personal and financial challenges including becoming a mother at age 16, relying on public assistance while pursuing higher education and later battling breast cancer. In 2011 she launched Beauty Bakery with the vision of creating high quality cruelty-free vegan cosmetics that create that uh cater to diverse skin tones particularly women of color who had long been underserved by the beauty industry her perseverance transformed the company from one person start from a one person startup into a multi-million dollar global brand sold in more more than 130 companies I mean countries Nicole's influence extends beyond business success through beauty bakery she's uh she's challenged she's challenged industry standards surrounding uh inclusivity and representation introducing innovative product lines designed to serve a broad a broad spectrum of skin tones and advocating for greater uh diversity in cosmetics her entrepreneurial journey from food stamps and single motherhood to leading a global recognized beauty company has become a powerful example of resilience faith and social impact Riley recognized as one of the most influential black female entrepreneurs of her generation casmer Nicole has helped me redefine modern black beauty standards while aspiring aspiring is uh while aspiring get aspiring entrepreneurs around the world that's what's up that's what's up appreciate you appreciate you that's history in black women was cashmere the post you guys want to look that up you guys want to look that up you know what I mean and learn more about her I mean she's doing great things you know for a community she's doing great things for uh her family you know what I mean so you know hey and her uh what's the word um legacy you know what I mean so that's what's up man hey um I know I know our sound was uh on you guys I don't know what's going in and out a little bit I hope we you know was able to catch it at the time you know uh or it's better on the social media hope I hope that's all I can do is for you but that's gonna do it for us today you guys appreciate you we appreciate you guys uh tapping in uh Nick Nick I see I see appreciate you for tapping in anybody else like I said just uh read re-post this you know replay it and and you know you might learn something from it you know so uh repost this follow us subscribe and all that good stuff you know we're getting better and better each week you know as you can see we got a little things new that's going on so it's a little bit adjustment that we got to get you know more tighter I think you know what I mean but hey we got it we got this you know what I'm saying I mean and we're gonna always bring you guys some good content some good conversation you know and a good time you know so that's what it is so uh I want to thank Glinda chill I know chills and you know my boy fat boys in the house you know what I'm saying so I gotta I gotta thank him too you know what I mean but we appreciate you guys tapping in and uh I I'll let you guys give y'all love go ahead go ahead go ahead give you love give you love shout out your shout out uh my shout out is um my love like he's got me all flustered with the whole love thing like some love what does he want from me I gotta ask the questions I can't let fantastic spending time with you all this week hopefully you'll tune in next week and uh for more goodness I don't know what we're gonna talk about yet but uh it'll be amazing oh yeah she helps she helps yeah thank y'all for tuning in again um thanks for listening to my celebrity at Spotlight hope you tune in again next week all right you know who we got for next week yet no I do I'll give it to you soon every spring good that's right that's right that's right that's right what's up fat boy oh thanks each and every one of y'all for tuning in I appreciate y'all appreciate the support uh grateful for the co-hosts as always a treat um and have a blessed one y'all love each and every one of uh cool cool cool cool cool but that's gonna do it for us today guys right right that's gonna do it for us today we appreciate you guys tapping in and uh we'll see y'all next week and remember remember if they talk if they talk about you behind your back your back they behind you for a reason for a reason we're out we're out